Monday, May 31, 2010

Lymph nodes

I'm seeing my oncologist on Weds. I'm going to be asking him about lymph nodes in regards to surgery. I don't want all my lymph nodes removed. He had said that the one disadvantage to doing chemo first is that we won't know for sure lymph node involvement because the chemo would kill any microscopic cancer. But, I'm pretty sure a sentinel node lymph node biopsy will still be done. Have to confirm this. This is the first lymph node the tumor drains into. If there is no cancer there, then that's it and they don't remove anymore. But, if there is they usually remove more for biopsy. How many more? Well, that seems to be up for grabs. I don't like that. I don't want to wake up and find out I had 19 negative lymph nodes but, now no longer have those (and I'm just pulling that number out of the hat). Often times if there is cancer in the sentinel node then they remove all the axillary nodes. I need to discuss this with my oncologist and see what he recommends.

You need your lymph nodes. Not having them causes a lot of problems like edema of your arm and we are talking about my right arm here.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Park

Plan on walking to the park today and seeing the owls again. Feeling good and just gearing up for round 3.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

More toothbrush antics

Dear Lord she did it again. Last night she used my toothbrush again! I told her ok I made it so you can not use my toothbrush again. She asked what did you do? I hid it. I hid my toothbrush. And I'm not telling anyone where it is!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Toothbrush saga continues!

So I go to use my toothbrush, my new big girl toothbrush, the other night, took one look at it and ended up shouting "hey, who used my toothbrush!" My mom yells back "Goddamn it. It was me!" I came out of the bathroom "what? weren't you going to tell me?" She says " I washed it in really hot water and no I wasn't, I didn't want to deal with it. How could you tell anyway?" "Well, mom one, my toothbrush was head down in the jar and I always put my toothbrush in the jar handle down, two, its still wet and three it looks like it was used to scrub grout out of tile! I have a dozen of them, why did you think I would get mad?" She just thought I would make a big fuss and she felt like she was in trouble and was frantically trying to just get out of it by washing the heck out of it with hot water.

It didn't work. I threw it out and got out a new one.

Mask

Took Chris and went and saw Prince of Persia today. We both liked the movie. After we went to Gamestop and Barns and Noble. I donned a mask today to fight germ exposure as I'm still paranoid when venturing out of the house. Interesting experience walking around with a mask on. People walk a wide circle around you and avoid eye contact or they just plain out and out stare but still walk the wide circle around you. Made me chuckle. I wanted to say hey I can't give you anything, its what you can give me that has me wearing the mask! But, decided that the avoidance from others was a good thing. So if wearing the mask keeps potential germ ridden people away from me, then that's good.

Maybe I should just write on the mask "on chemo for breast cancer" and draw one of those pink ribbons on it.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Follicilitis

Oh the thing I forgot to mention here is the name for this whole head breaking out. Follicilitis. For me its happening because of chemo but, other people get it when not on chemo. About the only positive thing I have to say about it is that its one of those words that is fun to say like baba ganoush.

Hibiclens

Phisoderm just isn't what it used to be. Major changes to ingredients. Much internet research and I found something called Hibiclens. Seems to be the over the counter replacement for Phisohex. Kills staph infections and bacteria. I think this is more in line with what the nurse wanted me to use. Dad found it at Walmart. Am going to try that but, head is feeling better and looking better just from using baby shampoo the last two nights. I think my head is heading in the right direction! Groan.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Call

They called. They want me to use Phisohex soap on it before doing anything else. Apparently there is some topical stuff but they want me to use this first to see if it helps. I'm good with going conservative before using anything else. Also she said baby shampoo too. I used baby shampoo last night and it did make it feel a lot better. Last time I bought Phisohex they had changed the name to Phisoderm. Dad out getting it now. Nurse did confirm that yes its because more hair is getting ready to fall out and she said it was a good thing I shaved my head before starting chemo or things would be a lot more difficult to deal with and there would be no way to shave it with it being broken out.

Waiting

Well mom starting worrying about my head. Yea its a worse break out than last time but, things are starting to dry up. But, she is worrying. So I called the nurses at the oncologist and left a message. Been waiting for a call back. Didn't hear back. Yet. I don't want to take antibiotics because they always tear up my stomach and Lord knows I don't want that right now. So unless there is something topical that can be put on it, there just might not be much to be done.

Will update.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Special Recognition

I have a score card on my blog here and so far three women have committed to getting mammograms. Someone always has to be first and one of them completed their commitment yesterday.

For my Amanda who had her first mammogram done on 5/24/10. Thank you for being brave and taking care of yourself. Love you.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Famous



Not a complete list I'm sure:
Barbara Allen, American politician, Kansas state senator.
Anastacia, American popular singer (see [1]).
Anita Doth, Popular Eurodance singer from the Dutch duo 2 Unlimited (see [2]).
Christina Applegate, American television actress (see [3]).
Dame Eileen Atkins, British stage and film actress (see [4]).
Kaye Ballard, American actress and singer (see [5]).
Brigitte Bardot, French actress and animal rights activist (see [6]).
Alexandra Bastedo, British model and actress (see [7]).
Allyce Beasley, American actress (see [8]).
Jami Bernard, American author and film critic for the New York Daily News.[3]
Shirley Temple Black, American Oscar-winning child actress and former United States Ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia, who is said to have been (in 1973) the first famous person to publicly announce her breast cancer diagnosis.[4]
# Raelene Boyle, Australian athlete (see [9]).
# Rhona Brankin, British politician, Member of the Scottish Parliament (see [10]).
# Eileen Brennan, American actress (see [11]).
# Nancy Brinker, American founder of the Susan G. Komen for the Cure (see [12]).
# Edward Brooke, African-American former U.S. Senator (see [13]).
# Edna Campbell, African-American professional basketball star (see [14]).
# Robin Carnahan, American politician, Missouri Secretary of State (see [15]).
# Diahann Carroll, African-American actress, singer (see [16]).
# Agnes Chan, Asian singing star and academic (see [17]).
# Beth Nielsen Chapman, American singer-songwriter (see [18]).
# Lois Chiles, American actress (first diagnosed in 2001; see [19]).
# Mary Jo Codey, former First Lady of New Jersey (wife of former Governor of New Jersey Richard Codey; see [20]).
# Sheryl Crow, American singer/musician (see [21]).
# Pat Danner, American politician; former Democratic U.S. House Representative from Missouri (see [22]).
# Ruby Dee, African-American actress (see [23]).
# Simone de Oliveira, Portuguese actress/singer (see [24]).
# Diana Dill, British-American actress; ex-wife of American actor Kirk Douglas; mother of American actor Michael Douglas (see [25]).
# Susan Duncan, Australian author (see [26]).
# Elizabeth Anania Edwards, American lawyer; wife of former U.S. Senator from North Carolina John Edwards (see [27]).
# Barbara Ehrenreich, American author/ethicist (see [28]).
# Jill Eikenberry, American actress and wife of American actor Michael Tucker (see [29]).
# Linda Ellerbee, American TV journalist (see [30]).
# Melissa Etheridge, American singer; lesbian activist (see [31]).
# Marianne Faithfull, British singer and actress (see [32]).
# Edie Falco, American stage and TV actress (see [33]).
# Rita Fan Hsu Lai-tai, Hong Kong politician and Honorary President of the Hong Kong Breast Cancer Foundation (see [34], [35]).
# Catherine Drew Gilpin Faust, American academic, historian, and current (as of 2009) President of Harvard University (see [36]).
# Deanna Favre, founded The Deanna Favre Hope Foundation and wife of American football quarterback Brett Favre (see [37], [38]).
# Caitlin Flanagan, American magazine writer, editor and book author (see [39]).
# Peggy Fleming, American figure skater (see [40]).
# Betty Ford, former United States First Lady (see [41]).
# Wenche Foss, Norwegian actress (see [42]).
# Maria Friedman, British actress (see [43]).
# France Gall, French singer and wife of late French composer Michel Berger (see [44]).
# Liza Goddard, British actress (see [45]).
# Ernie Green, African-American former professional (Cleveland Browns) football player; one of his sisters died from the disease (see [46]).
# Christine Gregoire, American politician; current Governor of Washington State (see [47]).
# Nanci Griffith, American singer/songwriter (see [48]).
# Dorothy Hamill, American Olympic champion figure skater (see [49]).
# Jane Hamsher, American film producer, author and liberal blogger (see [50], [51]).
# Sheila Hancock, British actress and widow of British actor John Thaw (see [52], [53]).
# Julie Harris, American stage actress (see [54]).
# Heidi Heitkamp, North Dakota politician and lawyer (see [55]).
# Darby Hickson, American graphics designer; 2nd wife of Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove (see [56]).
# Marsha Hunt, African-American singer, novelist, breast cancer activist and mother of Mick Jagger's first child, Karis Jagger (see [57]).
# Laura Ingraham, American radio host/pundit (see [58]).
# Kate Jackson, American actress (see [59]).
# Ann Jillian, American actress, entertainer (see [60]).[broken citation]
# Betsey Johnson, American fashion designer (see [61]).
# Melanie Johnson, former British Member of Parliament (see [62]).
# Jennifer Jones, American Oscar-winning star actress (see [63]).
# Susan Kadis, Canadian politician in the Canadian House of Commons (see [64]).
# Joan Kennedy, former wife of U.S. Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA); had surgery and is continuing treatment (see [65]).
# Maeve Kinkead, American actress, predominantly on daytime soap operas (see Maeve Kinkead).
# Hoda Kotb, Egyptian-American television news anchor, journalist and correspondent (see [66], [67]).
# Joan Kwuon, violinist, (see [68])
# Marilyn Lloyd, member of the U.S. House of Representatives who was diagnosed with breast cancer, was denied a silicone breast implant following her treatment because the U.S. Food and Drug Administration had removed them from the market, and became an advocate for legislation related to breast cancer treatment and women's health.[5][6][7][8]
# Sondra Locke, American film actress (see [69]).
# Adamari López, Puerto Rican actress; diagnosed in April 2005 (see [70]).
# Geralyn Lucas, American journalist, television producer, and writer (see [71]).
# Marisa Acocella Marchetto, American writer, cartoonist and memoirist (see [72]).
# Rue McClanahan, American TV/stage actress (see [73]).
# Judy Eason McIntyre, African-American politician - Oklahoma State Senator (see [74], [75]).
# Amanda Mealing, British actress (see [76]).
# Tucker L. Melancon, United States District Judge, Western District of Louisiana, 5th Circuit since 1994 (see [77]).
# Wendy Mesley, Canadian host and reporter for CBC Television (see [78]).
# Kylie Minogue, Australian singer, actress (see [79]).
# Hala Moddelmog, American president and CEO of Susan G. Komen for the Cure (see [80]).
# Diana Moran, British model, fitness expert and journalist (see [81], [82]).
# Shelley Morrison, American actress; currently battling breast cancer, also battled lung cancer (see [83]).
# Jenni Murray, British BBC presenter (see [84], [85]).
# Sue Myrick, American politician, Republican U.S. House Representative from North Carolina (see [86]).
# Janet Napolitano, Current United States Secretary of Homeland Security, American politician, Former Governor of Arizona (see [87]).
# Kitten Natividad, Mexican actress, (see Kitten Natividad).
# Jocelyn Newman, former Senator from the Australian Parliament for Tasmania; treated successfully (see [88]).
# Phyllis Newman, American TV and Broadway actress/singer; widow of American playwright Adolph Green (see [89]).
# Olivia Newton-John, UK/Australian singer/actress (see [90]).
# Cynthia Nixon, American stage and TV actress (see [91]).
# Linda Nolan, Irish-born singer, actress and former member of the 1970s pop band, The Nolans (see [92]).
# Sandra Day O'Connor, first female U.S. Supreme Court Justice ([93], [94]).
# Patrícia Pillar, Brazilian film and television actress (see [95]).
# Nancy Priddy, mother of American actress Christina Applegate (see [96]).
# Judy Rankin, American Hall of Fame professional golfer (see [97]).
# Betsy Rawls, American Hall of Fame professional golfer (see [98]).
# Claire Rayner, British journalist (see [99]).
# Nancy Reagan, former U.S. First Lady (see [100]).
# Lynn Redgrave, Oscar nominated British-American actress (see [101]).
# M. Jodi Rell, American politician, Governor of Connecticut (see [102]).
# Cokie Roberts, American journalist (see [103]).
# Robin Roberts, African-American women's basketball player, ESPN sportscaster (see [104]).
# Margaretta Fitler Murphy Rockefeller aka Happy Rockefeller, American socialite and wife of former N.Y. Governor and U.S. Vice President Nelson Rockefeller.[4]
# Betty Rollin, American author, retired TV correspondent (see [105]).
# Richard Roundtree, African-American actor (see [106]).
# Debbie Wasserman Schultz, American Democratic politician; United States House Representative from the 20th District of Florida (see [107]).
# Debra Shipley, British politician - Labour Party member of Parliament (see [108]).
# Claire Shulman, former Borough President of Queens, New York City (see [109]).
# Carly Simon, American singer (see [110], [111]).
# Jaclyn Smith, American actress, businesswoman (see [112]).
# Dame Maggie Smith, Oscar-winning British actress of stage and screen (see [113]).
# Suzanne Somers, American actress (see [114], [115]).
# Karin Stanford, African-American professor and writer (see: [116]).
# Koo Stark, American former adult film actress (see [117]).
# Gloria Steinem, American feminist activist (see [118], [119]).
# Lynne Stewart, American lawyer/activist (see [120]).
# Gloria Stuart, American actress (see [121]).
# Sarah Susanka, English architect and author (see [122]).
# Ruth Ann Swenson, American soprano opera star (see [123]).
# Stephanie Swift, American adult film actress (see [124]).
# Maura Tierney, American film and television actress (see [125]).
# Jools Topp, New Zealand folk singer, one of the Topp Twins (see [126]).
# Linda Tripp, former U.S. Government federal employee and Monica Lewinsky's former confidant (see [127]).
# Dawn Upshaw, American soprano diva (see [128], [129]).
# Ann Veneman, former head of the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture (see [130]).
# Joyce Wadler, American journalist, writer and memoirist (see [131]; surviving ovarian cancer also).
# Liza Wang, Hong Kong television actress and personality, singer and diva (see [132]).
# Linda Waterfall, American singer-songwriter (see [133]).
# Corinne Wood, American politician; former Illinois Lieutenant-Governor (see [134]).
# Laura Ziskin, American film and television producer, and cancer activist (see [135

Head

My head broke out again.

That's about all I have to say on the subject.

Hats.

Hoarding

We watched a show last night about hoarders. Oh so scary! And it put my mom into a fit and fury of throwing out stuff this morning from the kitchen. And it put my dad in a foul mood. Apparently this is a frequent occurrence around here. She watches the show and then goes on a throwing out binge. It started to get bad and I could feel a major fight coming on between the two of them. I threatened to go home for the day. That stopped everyone in their tracks. I'm not sure what is going on down there right now but its quiet.

So I'm now sitting here realizing I have some serious power I can wield. With power come immense responsibility.

I think I can handle it.

Yarn

Have friends that went to the Maker Faire this weekend. I have gone in the past and there is a vendor there that sells yarn that I love. J. called me and she is bring me back yarn from my vendor! 100% alpaca. Oooooo. I can't wait to see it.

I'm getting yarn!!!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Army of Women (my 100 post)

So what's that widget sitting on my blog, Army of Women? Susan Love along with Avon have started it. Trying to recruit one million women with and with out breast cancer to participate in various clinical trials and studies. Some are just surveys and some require body fluid samples. The purpose is not to find a cure or new treatment, but to find the cause. To Find The Cause of breast cancer because only 10% of breast cancer is hereditary which means we don't know what causes it.

If you join the Army of Women you don't sign up for any trials rather you sign up to receive emails telling you about available ones and then you chose if you want to participate or not.

The idea of finding the "cause" of it really makes sense to me.

Certification

Make sure the facility where you get your mammogram is certified.

The Center for Devices and Radiological Health of the FDA maintains an extensive Mammography Site Database at http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/cdrh/cfdocs/cfmqsa/search.cfm. Women may search for a nearby mammography clinic by entering their state and zip code. Click here for more information on the FDA Mammography Site Database.

Turned the corner

I think. Ate an egg with my crepes this morning. Things seem to be feeling good in there. Energy is up. Plan on taking a walk today.

Yes, its a good day. So far. Yea I don't trust my body.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Good Day, no beans and a Bright Side to Chemo?

Feeling much better today. Energy is up. Ate a bit better and took a walk.
Its evening now and I don't feel totally wiped out. Did take a nap too.

Now yesterday was a bit trying as I made a bad decision to eat some beans. I just wanted them so bad. Baked beans and ate a couple of tablespoons. Results, that night I blew up. Blew up with gas. Didn't hurt but the pressure. Now we have all blown up a balloon, not tied it off but let it go to fly around the room and make a horrendous noise. Ahhh the relief. No more beans for me.

A bright side to chemo? Can such a thing exists? Well to each their own really but for me YES, I found one. I just realized today that I haven't shaved my armpits for about two weeks and no hair. I have hairless armpits. I still have eyebrows although they are thinner and I still have eyelashes but, I don't know how much longer I'll have those but, the hairless armpits, yea I'm going to enjoy those for as long as they last!

I'm a Big Girl Now

My Auntie E. sent me special toothbrushes. They are given to people who have had gum surgery and they are perfect for chemo patients too! Oh a big girl toothbrush. Goodbye Dora. And they came in beautiful colors!

I'm going to be telling my oncologist about the toothbrushes.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Fantasy

There are some things that just bring out the worse in us. I'm having one of those experiences today and the worse it is bringing out in me is a fantasy that I would never ever thought I would ever have in my entire life. Before you read further, I warned you. I am fantasizing about wanting to be standing in front of a run down white trash trailer, donning a wife beater-shirt, taking a drag on a cigarette and cracking open a six pack of beer, all while scratching the hell out of my ass. Why? why would I have this fantasy? Because my butt itches and in that fantasy I could scratch at will and no one would blink an eye or bother to say anything.

Sigh. Reality is its not medically sound. So, I'm taking warm bathes and apply butt numbing cream.

Thank you Leonard Lawrence Marraffino who in 1955 invented butt numbing cream AND toothpaste.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Parents all look a like

My son came home with two beautiful hand made hats for me from the RK teens picnic. Who are they from? Oh, these really nice people. I gave them a hug and they were really really compassionate people. Yea, who were they? Oh man, I don't know. What did they look like? Well, apparently to a 16 year old all parents look the same. Like a parent.

I would like to thank the really really compassionate parents that made me the hats. So if anyone is able to shed light on this mystery it would be greatly appreciated.

Saga of the Bowels

Well, chemo is going to be all about pooing for me it seems. I think I understand now what "moving from constipation to diarrhea" means. Although the concept itself just seems like something one should want to avoid all together. But, since it can't be avoided, do it so you don't end up in the ER.

So, Saturday pass some poo, made me sweaty, faint and nauseous. Did not throw, laid down, feet up and in a few minutes it passed. Went through the same thing on Sunday. Monday finally went without any after effects. Oh happy moment. But, then the bowels started talking loudly and I knew it was coming. Diarrhea made its appearance Monday night. Not violent. Took one anti diarrhea pill and that so far has stopped the process. Eating slowing and bland today.

This round, although not fun, I have to say was more successful than the first one. No hospital stay. That has to be a good thing.

On the schedule:

Next Doctor's appt June 2nd. Will be Dr. Barth, he has more test results. Oncotype DX test and other stuff.

June 3rd will be round 3.

So far that's it.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Chemo Round 2, Day 2

Sleep. Beautiful sleep. Got some decent sleep last night starting at about 5:30pm. Woke about every 2 to 3 hours to pee but, got some much needed sleep. Tired today. Energy low. Not sure it was this low last round or if I have forgotten. But, they said fatigue was what would worsen.

No poo. Not panicking. Taking Metamucil and eating some prunes. Letting everything just take its time. It will move when its ready. I'm not forcing the issue this time.

Getting up some and moving around. Otherwise watching mindless stuff on TV and snoozing. Pushing the water. Staying mellow. I'm half way through.

Friday, May 14, 2010

shot

Got my shot. Next chemo appt will be June 3rd at 10am as I will be there all day again. Going to be getting my chemo slow as that seems to keep me from having a reaction. Will be going to see Dr. Barth before my next chemo. Rachel is working on the appt and someone is going to call me. Tired from lack of sleep. Took my last steroid dose at 3pm. Thank goodness. I think I'm going to go ahead and pop a xanax and see if I can go to sleep for awhile. I'm pushing fluids but I need some sleep.

No poo yet today. But, plenty of gas. Taking the Metamucil. Giving that a chance. Going slow here this time and trying to not have bowels go kamikaze on me!

Rough night

Pushing water. So I was up every hour on the hour to pee last night. Tired but, now have taken my steroid and so tired and hyper. Hate this steroid shit but, need to take it. Today is the last day I have to take them. Will try to take the last one by 3pm so hopefully won't keep me hyper tonight. Although I'll be pushing water for the next couple of days and getting up to pee frequently anyway.

Have eaten this morning. That department seems to be ok. Am going to take Metamucil four times today and hoping for a poo. Been pooing everyday so hope to poo today too. Will see.

Back to bland diet, chicken, plain pasta, mash potatoes, sweet potatoes (did well last time with those) and I am adding yogurt this time. Said stay away from dairy if you have diarrhea but, yogurt is good but, its dairy. Go figure. Seems to be sitting well in my tummy and it has those cultures so maybe a good thing.

Chemo round 2

Chemo round 1 was given very slowly. Took about six hours. This was because they didn't know if I would have a reaction. Was told no reaction then I won't have a reaction during future treatments. I had no reaction and everyone was happy, until today.

Well, guess I just am determined not to do anything the way you are suppose to. About an hour into my cytoxan which is the chemo drug with the less likely hood of reaction, I decide to listen to the wonderful imagery, mediation pod cast that Helen sent me and I have on my iphone. Thank God I did. And Thank God for sending me those Helen because the first thing it tells you is to get comfortable and then take a deep breath. I take a deep breath and dear Lord it felt like I inhaled a lung full of smog and I coughed, so I took another one just in case and same thing. Ok now my chemo nurse watches my butt like crazy because two coughs and she is yelling from the nurses station are you ok? I said well when I breath deep it feels like I breathed in smog and I have to cough. She rushes over are you having tightness in you chest. I don't know. I don't know what that feels like what I'm having is the feeling when you breath in deep on a smoggy day and it makes you cough so yea ok I'm having tightness in my chest. She turns off the chemo and says I'm getting Nicole (that's my PA) so she shows up and she says what's going on with you. I go through the song and dance. She checks my oxygen level which is 99, 100 is highest so I'm getting oxygen then she listens to my lungs. She decides to leave the chemo off and see if I worsen or get better. Ok. Rachel my chemo nurse comes over she says ok we are leaving the chemo off for a bit but you are getting your full chemo today. You will get your treatment, the worse case here is that I will have to give you steroids to get this to stop and she looks very unhappy at this. So I say to her ok so what you are telling me is that you have a way around this and I'm getting my treatment today no matter what. She says yes. I say look I'm not panicking, I can breath, I'm good. Let's give this a chance to subside on its own. She says ok. 15 minutes later she comes back, how are you doing. I say its 90% gone, I have to breath really deep to feel it and its not making me cough. So she turns back on the chemo but really slow and tells me to let her know if I feel anything. Nope. An hour later she checks back and its completely gone now so she turns it up a bit more but not a lot. Finally, finally we get through that bag. Now on to the second chemo drug taxotere the one that is suppose to have more reactions to it. So this one, slowly administered too. I'm good. Nothing happened. We had gotten there at 10am so this happened at 11am. At 2pm I sent dad out to get food as I was hungry. We left at 4:45pm. Yep almost 7 hours later. And chemo nurse tells me next session you are going to want to pack a lunch which tells me this is how my next two sessions are going to go. I'm ok just going prepared, rather take 7 hours than have a reaction. Now the woman in the cubicle beside me had the same reaction. She had a different nurse, who asked her if she wanted to wait it out a bit and see what happened. She said no I want my Benedryl its what they gave me the last two times and it worked. Gee poor thing it must be bad because she was adamant that she wanted the Benedryl. nurse went to check with her doctor and I have to say came back with a syringe of Benedry for her.

So two more long days ahead of me. Its ok. I do get up and go to the bathroom and wonder around a bit. I know they don't want me wandering around much but 7 hours you just got to go look out the window or something.

Next up, the bowels. Making friends with Metamucil!

Schedule for the rest next three weeks:

Nuelstra shot tomorrow at 4pm. Not a bad shot so not dreading it. Will make time appt for next chemo which will be June 3rd.

I will be seeing Dr. Barth before my next chemo round. Rachel was very unhappy that I hadn't seen him but, he was off a couple of days last week. But, Rachel did confirm the rest of my test are in and he will want to talk to me about those. They are going to call me with an appointment. I'm going to give them until Tuesday to call me and then I'll start bugging them because I want the test results.

Asked about having to have a blood count done half way through this next round ( was told would most likely need that) nope. Doing so well and blood counts up high that I don't have to have an extra poke. They will set up the IV, draw the blood from that, double check the blood counts and then hook up the chemo. That's what they did this week and all was good. So this was nice news. I must be doing pretty well.

So, nuelstra shot, see Dr. Barth test results, round 3 of chemo. Not bad. I can do this. If the darn bowels will cooperate it would be a lot easier.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Gotta go pee! Pushing water for the next 72 hours.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Amusing the Medical Profession

I love amusing the medical profession because really how often do these people get to be amused. Especially the one's I'm dealing with. They see cancer patients all day long. They see people battling for their lives. How can there be any humor in all that. But, I think humor is important. I think it connects us in a way that says yes this sucks but, we are living here and we just have to find humor. Not making light of cancer but some of the situations you just got to see humorous because the only other option is to see it as tragic and I just refuse to do that.

So there I am talking to Nicole today my physician assistant and she takes a look at my scalp which broke out, but is healing now that the hair has fallen out. She says oh oh you got... oh dear Lord I couldn't even begin to say much less spell whatever she called it. I said yes but, I read its not uncommon and clears up when the hair starts to fall out so I just kept an eye on it and it never looked infected and it didn't hurt and now its clearing up. She said it will go away and it won't flair up again. If it happens, it happens during the first round. And I say well I really want to razor shave my head now because every time a take a bath I feel like a took a bath with the dog there is so much hair floating in the bath tub and its driving me crazy. Ok she actually laughed out loud. Then told me not to razor shave it until my break out completely clears up. I told yea my mom is refusing to do it until it clears up anyway. she said well your mom is right in this case. So I said ok I'll just continue to bathe with the dog for now. Hey two laughs. Two laughs out of someone who deals with people fighting for their lives every day. And I was her last appointment of the day. Well I really hope that she was able to go home feeling good. It just can't be an easy job.

Xanax, Steriods and Doc Appt. and TUMOR is RESPONDING!

Back from my doctors appt with my physician assistant. Good news is she asked if I could feel any difference in the tumor. I said I don't think I can be objective about that because things were so swollen from the needle biopsy that I can't tell if things are smaller or just the swelling has gone away but things feel....(I wasn't sure how to put it into words) and she finished my sentence for me by saying different? I said yes it feels different. She says well can I see (what she meant was feel but seeing I guess sounds nicer but really what the heck is she going to see) and I say sure and lift the my shirt so she can cop a feel. This is the third time she has seen me and knows now I don't have a problem lifting the shirt for to take a gander and cop a feel because man I just hate the hassle of those damn gowns. Never have managed to get one on right. So she is feeling around and she is nodding her head up and down and she breaks out in a big smile and says oh its responding and the next round you are going to notice even more. Now that's happy news. I said well if I was going to describe what I feel I would say things feel softer, she says yes its softer its responding.

She was very please with how I was doing. And she feels I will have an easier time of it this round. We have decided Metamucil and if that isn't doing the trick to help with only one table spoon of milk of mag and if I haven't gone by the end of the day another one table spoon of milk of mag until I go. So no stool softner and no blasting away with everything. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.

Doing Emend this time. Its what my chemo nurse wanted me on. Its an anti nausea med. I take one pill one hour before chemo and then one day 2 and 3. Physician assistant didn't think I needed Emend since I did well on the Zofran but, she said since I have to go ahead and do it and see if its better than the Zofran. She said maybe it will help with the bowels who knows see if you think its better than the Zofran if not then next round you can just do the Zofran again. Its expensive is what the deal is. Cost for three pill is usually around $300. For me with my insurance $178. But, hell I figure I'm not going to be on this stuff for life and if it makes these last rounds better I spending the money. But will wait and see.

I'm really happy with the care I'm getting in regards that I get a lot of input and say into things.

Now today I started my steroids. I have to take steroids the day before, of and after chemo. It helps prevent reactions to the chemo and boosts energy so the chemo doesn't hit you so hard.

The first round of chemo I had I didn't take my steroids right. Only took one pill twice a day. I'm suppose to take two pills twice a day. So I only took half the dosage I was suppose to. So this round I took the two this morning and took two more a little late. I like to take them around 4pm so I'm not wound up at night but, I forgot to take them before I left for the doctors so I took them about 6:30. I am also continuing to float on Xanax today. So let me say this about Xanax and steroids, right now I'm at this nice mellow floating all is right with the world floaty place and at the same time feel I could build me a small village. Yea so weird. It has this kind of giddy feeling to it. Mellow and hyper and the same time.

Appointment!

Ok somehow it happened. I have an appointment at 4pm with Nicole. My physician assistant.

The woman who does the scheduling. Strange. She called and said can you come around 4pm and see Nicole. I said sure no problem I'll be there at 4pm. Then there is just this long pause, where she says nothing. I'm thinking maybe she didn't hear me? So I say 4pm will be fine, I can do that. She says ok I'm scheduling you for 4pm with Nicole I tried to get you in earlier I apologize. I don't get it, I say 4pm is fine, its not like I told her I had to have a certain time. Whatever. I was nice.

Pushing Fluids

For the next four days I'll be "pushing fluids" which means drinking water when not thirsty. How do you know if you are successfully pushing fluids? If you say oh man I have to go pee again and your pee is clear, as in you look in the toilet after you peed and you can't tell. Yep that clear.

And...I'm being successful!!!

Off to pee and drink more water.

Anxiety, fears and a doctors appt?

I have round two of chemo tomorrow and the anxiety and fears went through the ceiling last night. I hate being scared. Makes me want to punch someone in the nose and then kick them in the teeth while they are down. But, having cancer and not being scared is just not realistic. So, I'm trying to allow myself the fear and then move on. I have found its really easy to move on with a big dose of xanax. Yes sir. So last night while in bed with my mom and having my crying break down, she says let the tears out but take the damned xanax this is why you have to the stuff. So I take .5 mg and 10 minutes later thought oh to hell with this and took another .5 mg. Yea let me tell one 1 mg of xanax is a sweet place to go. Don't worry they come in that strength my doctor had given me .5 so I could have the option of breaking those in half and taking .25 mg or upping to 1 mg if needed. Was still floating a bit the morning and have decided I'd like to maintain that so I popped another .25 mg. Yea and sigh of relief its keeping all that scary crap at bay. Sometimes you just need off the crazy merry go round and a break.

Still don't have a doctor's appt. So I called again this morning. Talked to the woman who does the scheduling. Was nice and all. She, I could tell, was one stressed out puppy. I think someone fucked up and was going to have to go face the music. She is going to call me back but, I guess I'm suppose to see someone before chemo. I told her I'm going to have my chemo tomorrow at 10am was nice but firm about it. I'm cool and not upset, because crap happens but, if my chemo tries delayed because of this, I'll be unleashing the raging inferno of hell on someone and getting my chemo tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Park, and Doc Appt?

Had a lovely day at park yesterday. Yep did load of good for the mental health. Great bunch of people belong to that group. I got an out pour of love and support from every one that was very appreciated.

I saw my physician assistant on the 30th which was day 8 of chemo. She said Dr. Barth was going to want to see me before my next chemo round which is Thursday and she would put in something with his scheduler and she would call me with an appt. Well, its Tuesday and I realize oops I don't have an appt. with him. I called and left a message with his scheduler. If he doesn't have my oncotype dx test results back and the "other" stuff he ran, honestly I don't see the point in seeing him. Will see. They will be checking my blood counts on Thursday before they give me my second round. My chemo nurse said because of the nuelstra shot there won't be a problem. She also said that they would be checking my blood counts about half way through the second round though. Must start effecting more as you get more chemo.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Park

I'm braving my fears and going to Park today. My son goes to a Monday homeschool park group. And I'm going for my mental health. Plan on getting in a walk.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ativan!

Ativan is my current drug of choice. Yes I use it to sleep. It is an anti anxiety and anti nausea med. I was given it as part of my line of defense against nausea but have been using it to sleep at night. What I like about Ativan is it doesn't seem to have the kick back rebound factor of Xanax. When the Ativan wears off I don't feel the anxiety pouring down upon my head. But, you don't quite float as nicely on the Ativan as the Xanax and as my next chemo round is quickly approaching I'm feeling the anxiety rising. I'm going to pull out the Xanax tonight as last night I had a hard time falling asleep with the Ativan. Still Ativan is pretty nice stuff. Here's more information thanks to Wikipedia:

Lorazepam was first introduced by Wyeth Pharmaceuticals in 1971 under the brand names of Ativan and Temesta.[85] The drug was developed by President of Research, D.J. Richards. Wyeth's original patent on lorazepam is expired in the United States but the drug continues to be commercially viable. As a measure of its ongoing success, it has been marketed under more than seventy generic brands since then.

My hair is falling out!

Last night I developed hairy palms while taking a bath. Yep my hair is falling out. I shout hey my hair is falling out! My mom sympathetically says now don't worry it will grow back. I shout I'm not worried, I'm excited the chemo is working. Its killing my hair! My dad was both glad that its working and sad that the hair is falling out. Well I should say the chemo is working on my hair, hopefully on the cancer as well.

Its not falling out in patches, its just a general thinning all over. But, definitely noticeable. Not ready to razor shave it yet but I'm doing that if it becomes too patchy looking.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Chemo day 15, round 1

Energy is up. Feeling better today. Plan on taking a walk. Gearing up for round two by bulking up.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Today

Energy was a bit low today. Need to move my butt tomorrow. Plan on walking and going home for a while. Need to do some stuff at my house and spend some time with my Rosie.

On the chemo front, my hair still hasn't fallen out yet. Head is shaved but what is left should come out too. But, not yet. My scalp has broken out. No one said anything about this happening but there it is on the Internet. Not uncommon but seems to lessen with each treatment. Still have hair everywhere else too. Appetite is back and I seemed to be able to eat whatever now. Had gotten a mild rash around my hip area and back of legs. Felt like prickly heat to touch but it didn't itch or hurt or anything. Just kept it all lotioned up and that also seems to be going away now. Nails are ok. The chemo drugs I'm on can hit them hard but, I'm keeping nails well moisturized too. No mouth sores. I think the other thing that is helping is drinking tons of water. Water is my friend.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Rosie came home

Damned dog. Now see at the start of all of this I wanted to just leave Rosie at home and go over twice a day and feed her, let her out to do her business and let her be at home. She's fine by herself. I have done this with her while on trips with my dad stopping by to feed her and let her out. But, mom said no dad couldn't be making trips over to the house twice a day. The man leaves the house several times a day for whatever normally. Anyway I wasn't up to fighting with her and let it go.

So this morning she says to me, I messed up. I decided Rosie needed to be boarded and well she's your dog and she can be at home, dad goes over there everyday to check on things and get your mail anyway.

My dad well, he didn't take this as well as I did. I think he was mad because this is what he had wanted to do in the first place. Its what we all wanted to do but my mom. Chris actually argued with her. Bless her, takes her a bit but she does come around.

So Rosie is happily at home. All that dog wants to do is eat, watch for the mailman and sleep in her chair.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Happy Birthday

Today is my son's 16th Birthday which he is spending at Disneyland with some friends.

16 years ago I was in a hospital and pretty damned miserable after under going a c-section to get the 10 pound boy into the world and he has been worth it all.

He is handling this pretty well although I worry. He wants to know everything that is going on. What is the next plan. When I go back to the doctors. What all the test show. Everything. And so I tell him as unalarming as possible but truthfully.

When I had a stint in the hospital last week he came up with my mom and spent the day.

Well, shit I guess your mother having cancer makes for a memorable 16th birthday.

Visitations, Help and Bravery

Visitations. Yea I want to see people and yet right now I'm a mess of germ paranoia. Oh God what if I caught something and my next chemo treatment had to be delayed and then, on and on and on and I die, because all out of control crazy paranoia ends in death. At some point I might be feeling more sane about it all and then again, maybe not. My last chemo is scheduled for June 24th.

Help. There has been an out pour of wanting to help that quite frankly has humbled me. And I want each and everyone of you to know that you are helping. Everyday. I feel the loving thoughts, prayers and energy work that is coming from each of you. I can feel it healing and I feel the connection and know I'm not battling this alone. I sit quietly each day and connect with it and its amazing. I am experiencing sensation in the tumor daily. Its a physical sensation and it is dying because its purpose has been served. That purpose has not been revealed to me yet, but I know I have been placed on a new path of a higher source's choosing. There is healing energy taking its place. I cannot determine yet if I can actually tell if the tumor is smaller. This is because there was so much swelling from the two biopsies that the whole area of involvement felt much larger but what I do feel now is what the area felt like when I first discovered the tumor only things feel softer. It is only day 12 after chemo.

Bravery. Is that another word for insanity? I just wrote to a friend that if I can come out of this as unscathed as possible why not? This comment was made in regards to my surgery decision. Which I feel (perhaps crazily) at peace with. Now you all know I flipped flopped and seriously considered and was willing to become a unicorn and went from that to breast conservation surgery after gaining much more information about my cancer. But, still in the end, I have grade 3, 9 out of 9 SBR score high grade, p53 amplified aggressive cancer. And in spite of that I just refused to make a fear based decision. I'm not second guessing my decision here, I'm questioning my bravery. My oncologist told me there was no reason why I shouldn't have breast conservation surgery and I told him I refused to make a fear based decision and he told me I was brave. Brave? Or just pissed that some possible life threatening cancer could shove me in a corner and have me considering lopping off both my breasts. I can't blame any woman who makes this decision, in fact I can completely understand the decision, but it seemed the more scared I got the more pissed I got and the more determined I was to make a rational decision.
Is that bravery or insanity? Did I make the right decision or the wrong one? I made the one I'm at peace with and no matter what happens in the years to come, I will refuse to have regrets about it. Fuck you cancer, I'm keeping my boobs. Oh T-shirt!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dog, paper work and another day

Rosie has been boarded. Poor thing but we just can't handle that energy right now. She has been at my vets but, today we are moving her to the doggie hotel. Its a nice place that we have boarded our dogs long term in the past. They pamper the dogs like crazy and she likes it there.

Paperwork. Disability paper work for the state. Its still done manually and through the mail. Looks like they are trying to get it automated but it won't be in place until 2011.

More energy today. It still dips in the afternoon.

Next chemo will be the 13th. Will try like crazy not to have another colon cleanse from hell.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Church of What?!

I'm half watching Angels and Demons and I swear I thought I heard Tom Hanks say "where is the church of eliminations?" Well, with what I've been dealing with lately I laughed myself silly. Yea I want to know where the church of eliminations is too!

The correct church...Church of Illuminations. Close enough!

Owls, toothbrushes and Dora the Explorer

Needed to get out of the house today. Bad. So Dad and I went over to the park because I wanted to see if I could spot any baby owls. They're there by the way if anyone wants to look. HB Central Park by the Library. They were in the eucalyptus tree not the pine tree this time. Saw one adult and two babies. We then watched some sort of small white bird diving into the pond and getting...something to eat. That was very impressive to watch. He would dive completely under water. Lots of baby ducks in the park too. Flowers in bloom. Yes it was a beautiful spring day.

We then headed over to Walmart so I could get a new toothbrush. The chemo effects your mouth cells as they are fast turning cells. So you have to watch the oral hygiene so you don't get mouth sores. I do a salt water rinse after everything I eat and brush frequently with a very soft toothbrush. Well this morning I went to brush and my toothbrush looks like it was used to scrub the grout out of some tile. Now of course everyone is denying even touching my toothbrush, so either I have toothbrush melting saliva due to the chemo or something happened. So now there I am in Walmart in front of one thousand and one toothbrushes. And they all have some sort of rubber thing to scrub your tongue or cheek or gums and I want just a plain no frills extra soft toothbrush. Enter Dora the Explorer. The only plain, no frills, extra soft toothbrush I could find was a kids toothbrush. And its a double pack. Whoot. I am now the proud owner of a blue themed Dora the Explorer toothbrush and a pink one. And no one, no one better touch my Dora.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Battle of the Bowels

Well those of you who know me, know I'm a creature of routine. I like a schedule. Not so ridged as to be inflexible but, I live a routine. Now up until cancer has taken over my life (temporarily) my routine in regards to my bowels have been thus: wake up, stagger to the bathroom, plop buns on the porcelain, take a load of my mind, take a gander at what I produced, perhaps sigh with satisfaction and move on with life. Unless ill or having ingested something bad just simply didn't give my bowels more thought than that. But, now with chemo I have my medical team telling me you have to "manage your bowels". Manage your bowels, yes sir this is the terminology that is being used. Really? Exactly how does one do that, because you all know managing is right up my alley. I can do this. Yes, you want me to manage something bring it on. But we are talking about touchy bowels here. One amount of fiber at one meal is good. All is quiet on the intestinal front. Next meal well, I'm dashing to bathroom shouting I did not give the order to jump to light speed. I don't think there is any managing to be done. Nope because the intestines are just at full rebellion. The trick here is just to keep them from going completely out of control. I'm starting to get a handle on it some what.

Friday morning I had an appointment with my physician assistant. Before the appointment I had a bowel movement and when I gander at what I had produced I was very pleased. There for the first time in a week was a well formed turd floating on quiet seas of the toilet bowl. My PA says so how are you doing? I said oh very well. This morning I made a poo, with shape. Yes it was a well shaped poo. I don't think I have ever seen someone horrified and trying desperately not to laugh simultaneously.

I have been told to manage my bowels and I'm going to be proud of every well shaped poo I produce!