I need to call my internist to get a copy of the ultra sound report. I haven't heard from her so I'm sure everything is fine like I suspected. But, I would like a copy of the report.
In the house area, I'm looking for painters. I got a referral to one and he showed up today. He made my head swim. Flat, semi-gloss, gloss, washable flat, warm tones, neutral, texture, patching, priming, sealing blah blah blah I glazed over. Just paint the fucking place.
Dude was nice enough. Really. Nice guy and I'm sure he does good work. Will be getting a few more bids because I'm not sure my budget can handle his pricing but I'm also not sure I'll find something cheaper.
Anyway at some point in our chatting he tells me he was burned over a year ago. Burned as in caught on fire burned. Dude how did that happen? And he tells me he was messing with a buddies car and some gasoline got on his shirt and then the car backfired and poof he was on fire. It was bad.
He went out to his truck to write up the bid and came back with some pictures. He says don't want to freak you out but, here and he hands them to me.
Okay. Yeah they are of him and his burns. Bandaged up. Then unbandaged. Various states of healing. I think there were six pictures.
I'm really not sure what to make of this. Yeah dude was burned. It was bad. But, I don't think it's good to be walking/driving around with pictures.
Anyway I just hand him back the pictures and look at him and say I had breast cancer. I just finished treatment this past August. His eyes bug out. And I continue, sometimes life knocks you on your ass. You get up.
He doesn't say anything for a moment and then he says well you are still here. And I say yes I am and you are still here. It's good to still be here.
Maybe he can put the pictures away now. I hope so.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Liver Update
I had the ultrasound this morning. And I'll cut to the chase, I'm pretty confident that I'm okay. The final report will be sent to my doctor (internist this time) and she will call me but, the tech said she didn't see anything but simple cysts. She had the radiologist go over it and they said I could go. It's my experience that when it's bad the tech is dead silent while doing the scan and then when they go show the radiologist, the radiologist will come into the room looking terribly upset and will look for themselves or at least want more pictures taken.
The tech was fantastic. We need more of these. She had a screen up that I could see and as she was scanning stuff told me everything she was looking at. She started off with a general scan of my liver. She told me this is your liver and then scanned around then she asked me what they had told me. I said well that it looked like the cysts had gotten bigger and that maybe there was something poking into one. She said well, all I see is simple cysts here. Maybe they are bigger but sometimes they get bigger but I don't see anything other than simple cysts.
She also scanned some major arteries, my spleen, pancreas, kidneys. She told me her niece just got diagnosed with breast cancer. HER2 positive and she is 27 years old. Shit. And her sister had had breast cancer. Double shit. She also told me when she discovered I no longer have a gallbladder that it is amazing what organs you can live without. She said she had a patient that had no spleen, no gallbladder, no ovaries or uterus and one kidney. She said she told the patient she was a fast scan because there was nothing left!
She was great. She knew I was out of my head and understood exactly why I was there. She said given your history they are going to get excitable with you but you want that.
Yes I do.
And I'm confident that everything is okay but I'll get the official okay in a couple of days.
That was enough excitement for me and a dip in the roller coaster I could have lived without. I'm just waiting for the ride to come to a complete stop and I can take off the safety belt but, that's going to be a while so I'll stay strapped in.
The tech was fantastic. We need more of these. She had a screen up that I could see and as she was scanning stuff told me everything she was looking at. She started off with a general scan of my liver. She told me this is your liver and then scanned around then she asked me what they had told me. I said well that it looked like the cysts had gotten bigger and that maybe there was something poking into one. She said well, all I see is simple cysts here. Maybe they are bigger but sometimes they get bigger but I don't see anything other than simple cysts.
She also scanned some major arteries, my spleen, pancreas, kidneys. She told me her niece just got diagnosed with breast cancer. HER2 positive and she is 27 years old. Shit. And her sister had had breast cancer. Double shit. She also told me when she discovered I no longer have a gallbladder that it is amazing what organs you can live without. She said she had a patient that had no spleen, no gallbladder, no ovaries or uterus and one kidney. She said she told the patient she was a fast scan because there was nothing left!
She was great. She knew I was out of my head and understood exactly why I was there. She said given your history they are going to get excitable with you but you want that.
Yes I do.
And I'm confident that everything is okay but I'll get the official okay in a couple of days.
That was enough excitement for me and a dip in the roller coaster I could have lived without. I'm just waiting for the ride to come to a complete stop and I can take off the safety belt but, that's going to be a while so I'll stay strapped in.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Old is the New Beautiful
We live in a youth orientated society and quite frankly I'm done with it.
Old is beautiful. Damn it.
It's wise, it has endured, it has worth and value. It's priceless.
I'm doing something with this. I'm not sure what yet but, something.
Old is beautiful. Damn it.
It's wise, it has endured, it has worth and value. It's priceless.
I'm doing something with this. I'm not sure what yet but, something.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
An App For That
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80 percent of breast cancers are found by the woman. 80 percent. What I like about his video is that it stresses "feeling" in a way that is comfortable for you.
I found mine while showering and just washing. Wasn't even doing a self examine. So there is no "right" way.
Just get to know the girls and what is "normal".
Please.
Love you all.
80 percent of breast cancers are found by the woman. 80 percent. What I like about his video is that it stresses "feeling" in a way that is comfortable for you.
I found mine while showering and just washing. Wasn't even doing a self examine. So there is no "right" way.
Just get to know the girls and what is "normal".
Please.
Love you all.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Results are In
I'll cut right to the chase. The girls are fine. They didn't find anything.....in the breasts. BUT I have liver cysts. I know that. They found those on the PET scan I had in April of 2010. Dr. Barth said they were hereditary and wasn't worried although one was really big. His words "whoa, that one is really big but, don't worry, cysts don't effect liver function besides, there is nothing we can do about it." and that is Dr. Barth. I love him. He doesn't lie or bullshit.
Anyway back to the chase, one of the cysts on my liver looked to be bigger to the radiologist (compared to the MRI in April of 2010) and it looked like something was poking into it. Okay this was delivered to me by my surgeon. Nothing is poking into anything so I said to her you mean a growth. Well see she (the radiologist) can't tell. The MRI was set to look at the breasts and isn't really a good scan for the liver anyway. So what they want me to do is followup with my doctor and get an ultra sound to see what the heck it is.
I'll see my internist next Tuesday and she'll take care of it. I think they are being cautious not panicked. And I already went thru what the MRI can and can't see at the beginning of this whole thing when on the MRI it looked like one of my lymph nodes walls was thicken but they did an ultra sound and it turned out that a vein was running across it and made it look that way on the MRI. Thus why they want me to do an ultra sound. But, I still don't think they are panicked because I've seen the OMG we are panicked this is bad in action. They don't tell you to follow up with your doctor bye bye. They set up an appointment and tell you, you're going here now.
So more worry (okay I'm trying not to until there is something to actually worry about) and more results to come. I'll keep you all informed.
So how did the MRI go? Well I'm really tired of being lied to so I'm calling people on their bullshit and I don't care. The MRI tech had to set up an IV so she could inject the contrasting material during the scan. Okay so I point her in the right direction in regards to my veins that work but, it was cold this morning and old faithful although numbed up wasn't looking so good.
I told her "this is the vein people are most successful with. It's not looking good this morning but if you put a hot pack on it, it'll probably pop up. But, if you rather look around for something else that you feel more confident with that's okay too."
She says "oh, we don't have any hot packs."
Me "This is Hoag Hospital, of course you have hot packs"
Her "Well, they don't work"
Me "You put them in the microwave.....look if you don't want to use the vein that's fine. I already told you I was fine with you looking around but do not tell me the flipping hospital doesn't have hot packs and they don't work. That I won't accept."
Her "I'd really like to look for another vein."
Me "okay, I'll take that."
So she hunts around and finds a funky place on my right wrist. Like right on top of my wrist. Okay fine no one has ever tried there so go for it.
She goes and I barely felt anything which was nice she says "I'm in but I think it's leaking because look it's bulging up a bit." So I do the thing I NEVER do. I looked and I say "well, it doesn't hurt so do you think you can tweak it to get it in or do you want to start over." She says "really it isn't hurting?" Me "no, go ahead." So she messes with it and I'm watching thinking I'm rather detached in some weird way and the bump goes down and things seem to be working. She gets a good blood return and is able to flush it and I get sweaty and light headed from watching. Shit. I'm a pussy. There I said it. When she was done I had to put my head between my knees for a few minutes and get some cold water. It didn't last long but that tested that, even after all the IVs I've had set up, I can not watch.
The MRI is a boisterous machine. So you get ear plugs and then they put ear phones on you so you can listen to music, only you can't hear anything so you just end up with earphone on your head.
When it was all over they walked me over to see my surgeon Dr. Guerra. who told me about the liver. She took more topless pictures. And we had a nice chat about her new baby. She had a boy. Dang it, I forgot to ask her what she named him but, she had some pictures and he is a cutie. He turned 3 months today.
So it wasn't bad. Got to bust someone's chops, celebrate a new baby and now have something I need to take care of, not like I was exactly bored but, there it is.
Note to self: DO NOT LOOK EVEN IF THEY SAY "LOOK" DO NOT LOOK.
Anyway back to the chase, one of the cysts on my liver looked to be bigger to the radiologist (compared to the MRI in April of 2010) and it looked like something was poking into it. Okay this was delivered to me by my surgeon. Nothing is poking into anything so I said to her you mean a growth. Well see she (the radiologist) can't tell. The MRI was set to look at the breasts and isn't really a good scan for the liver anyway. So what they want me to do is followup with my doctor and get an ultra sound to see what the heck it is.
I'll see my internist next Tuesday and she'll take care of it. I think they are being cautious not panicked. And I already went thru what the MRI can and can't see at the beginning of this whole thing when on the MRI it looked like one of my lymph nodes walls was thicken but they did an ultra sound and it turned out that a vein was running across it and made it look that way on the MRI. Thus why they want me to do an ultra sound. But, I still don't think they are panicked because I've seen the OMG we are panicked this is bad in action. They don't tell you to follow up with your doctor bye bye. They set up an appointment and tell you, you're going here now.
So more worry (okay I'm trying not to until there is something to actually worry about) and more results to come. I'll keep you all informed.
So how did the MRI go? Well I'm really tired of being lied to so I'm calling people on their bullshit and I don't care. The MRI tech had to set up an IV so she could inject the contrasting material during the scan. Okay so I point her in the right direction in regards to my veins that work but, it was cold this morning and old faithful although numbed up wasn't looking so good.
I told her "this is the vein people are most successful with. It's not looking good this morning but if you put a hot pack on it, it'll probably pop up. But, if you rather look around for something else that you feel more confident with that's okay too."
She says "oh, we don't have any hot packs."
Me "This is Hoag Hospital, of course you have hot packs"
Her "Well, they don't work"
Me "You put them in the microwave.....look if you don't want to use the vein that's fine. I already told you I was fine with you looking around but do not tell me the flipping hospital doesn't have hot packs and they don't work. That I won't accept."
Her "I'd really like to look for another vein."
Me "okay, I'll take that."
So she hunts around and finds a funky place on my right wrist. Like right on top of my wrist. Okay fine no one has ever tried there so go for it.
She goes and I barely felt anything which was nice she says "I'm in but I think it's leaking because look it's bulging up a bit." So I do the thing I NEVER do. I looked and I say "well, it doesn't hurt so do you think you can tweak it to get it in or do you want to start over." She says "really it isn't hurting?" Me "no, go ahead." So she messes with it and I'm watching thinking I'm rather detached in some weird way and the bump goes down and things seem to be working. She gets a good blood return and is able to flush it and I get sweaty and light headed from watching. Shit. I'm a pussy. There I said it. When she was done I had to put my head between my knees for a few minutes and get some cold water. It didn't last long but that tested that, even after all the IVs I've had set up, I can not watch.
The MRI is a boisterous machine. So you get ear plugs and then they put ear phones on you so you can listen to music, only you can't hear anything so you just end up with earphone on your head.
When it was all over they walked me over to see my surgeon Dr. Guerra. who told me about the liver. She took more topless pictures. And we had a nice chat about her new baby. She had a boy. Dang it, I forgot to ask her what she named him but, she had some pictures and he is a cutie. He turned 3 months today.
So it wasn't bad. Got to bust someone's chops, celebrate a new baby and now have something I need to take care of, not like I was exactly bored but, there it is.
Note to self: DO NOT LOOK EVEN IF THEY SAY "LOOK" DO NOT LOOK.
Monday, October 10, 2011
A Scanning I Shall Go
Tomorrow at 8am I'll be at Hoag for a MRI on the girls. It's routine. It's follow up. And right after I'll see my fabulous surgeon for the results.
The last time I saw her was April and she was pregnant. So, I'm excited to find out what she had a boy or girl. This is her first baby and she was sooo excited.
I will report results.
The last time I saw her was April and she was pregnant. So, I'm excited to find out what she had a boy or girl. This is her first baby and she was sooo excited.
I will report results.
Friday, October 7, 2011
One Misfortune Away
You drive past them. There is an increase of them in numbers. They hold signs and stand on street corners and at the entrances to shopping centers.
The homeless.
Today I drove past one as I exited Costco. Well, he wasn't homeless. At least that's not what he was advertising on his sign that said:
Disabled
Need Money
You might not see me but,
God sees you
The sign irritated me rather than invoke feelings of wanting to help. Which means this guy's marketing skills are lacking and needs a new sign.
But, after the irritation wore off, curiosity set in. What are these people's story? The people we pass by holding the signs. Because you know they each have a story. And that story is going to involve a misfortune or several.
We are all a misfortune away from being a sign holder.
So, here is my advice. Amass more money and less stuff.
The homeless.
Today I drove past one as I exited Costco. Well, he wasn't homeless. At least that's not what he was advertising on his sign that said:
Disabled
Need Money
You might not see me but,
God sees you
The sign irritated me rather than invoke feelings of wanting to help. Which means this guy's marketing skills are lacking and needs a new sign.
But, after the irritation wore off, curiosity set in. What are these people's story? The people we pass by holding the signs. Because you know they each have a story. And that story is going to involve a misfortune or several.
We are all a misfortune away from being a sign holder.
So, here is my advice. Amass more money and less stuff.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life with an Ex, Blog Dilema and Other Weirdness
I started this blog to keep family and friends informed on what was happening with me in regards to my breast cancer. It then morphed into this therapeutic outlet for me. And now I find it shifting gears as I find myself no longer in the cancer hot seat. So I thought of starting a new blog because dang it, now writing has become a habit and I find I miss it when I step away too long. So do I start a new blog? I have decided not to because I think there is value in having it morph and change. Believe it or not I have had a few people tell me "I sat down and read your whole blog." Well, God bless them. The thought of that is rather frightening really but, maybe it's good. Good for someone to see it morph and see the cancer take a back seat. So I'm just shifting the focus. I think the title still applies!
So life with an ex. I debated about writing about him here because of a couple of reasons. One, issues pop up here and there and it's not constant. And two, and the bigger reason is I'm not sure if he has my blog address. I think he does because I think he asked for it to give to his mother. Oh Lord so there is reason three. But, damn it, it's my life and my blog and you can just go read the thousands and thousands of other blogs out there if you don't like this one.
I went to Barnes and Noble to get my son the latest Rick Riordan (however you spell his name sorry) book and ran into my ex. He was getting the same book. And it was all strained and weird and he was weird about it. We spoke for a few minutes and then bye bye. And here is the thing. I was married to the man for 18 years. Eighteen. We had a child together. And now it's like he is a stranger. Only that isn't really the truth. The truth is he is the same and I'm the one who is not. I'm the stranger and it's just all weird and just how, how does that happen is a mystery to me. But there it is. We don't have a lot of contact with each other since our son is 17. But what little we do is strained and weird. It is what it is and it's weird.
In other weirdness, when I went to check out at the ole Barnes and Noble I had three books. The book for my son, a Jumpin Jim 365 songs for the ukulele book for me and a gift book for a friend's daughter which was 1000 steam punk items picture book. Pretty eclectic I'll admit. The guy who checked me out (not that kind of check out but purchases check out) looked at me and said "either you are a geek or you know someone who is a geek". I said "I'm a geek and pretty much everyone I know is a geek. Geeks are just more interesting don't you think?" and he says "Yeah, LOOK." and he rolls up his sleeve and shows me a tattoo on his forearm. You know Dr. Seuss One Fish, Two Fish, Blue Fish or whatever that one is called something like that? Well he had blue fish from Dr. Seuss tattooed on his fore arm. I look at the guy and say "you do know there is a difference between weird and geek because that well, is leaning more towards weird. Not sure that is really geek." He looks stunned, but really? I'm not buying that as geek. Nope just not.
And I outed myself. Yep. I think that was the first time I publicly admitted to being a geek. And I realized at that moment that I've always been a geek. A closet geek but a geek. And my geekdom has been squished because my ex is anti geek. And for years (see above 18) I kept that part of me under wraps. Oh sure it would peak out sometimes like a slip peaking out beneath the hem of a dress but I would quickly pull it up by it's straps. No, no can't let that show. But, now I'm just letting the geek out. Full force.
The I went to the Whole Foods next to the Barnes and Noble and saw this:
Yeppers that was in the parking lot. And I want to think that was paint but I suspect that is carved into the car. And that heart thing just confuses me because I'm not sure if this says Jesus Christ loves you or Jesus Christ, love you. I guess we are all entitled to get our freak on. But it's this crap that give Christianity a bad name.
What else, well I got to get a move on prepping the house more. Next up I've got to get painting estimate. The interior needs to be painted and I'm going to have to have it carpeted I've decided. So moving on that. I need to get renters in there.
We are all settling in here. The dogs are settling down. We all are really. We have all had a bought of some sort of flu. My dad had it the worse and is almost over it but my mom is at the peak of misery today. My dad hit his peak the other night and came down at midnight to tell me he was ready to go to intensive care. Now. Well, he was miserable and had he taken anything? No. So two Advil and back to bed he went. Son and I had it but much milder and are both over it. Neither of us went to the misery place.
And Steve Jobs died and I really don't want to watch another good company go down the crapper.
So life with an ex. I debated about writing about him here because of a couple of reasons. One, issues pop up here and there and it's not constant. And two, and the bigger reason is I'm not sure if he has my blog address. I think he does because I think he asked for it to give to his mother. Oh Lord so there is reason three. But, damn it, it's my life and my blog and you can just go read the thousands and thousands of other blogs out there if you don't like this one.
I went to Barnes and Noble to get my son the latest Rick Riordan (however you spell his name sorry) book and ran into my ex. He was getting the same book. And it was all strained and weird and he was weird about it. We spoke for a few minutes and then bye bye. And here is the thing. I was married to the man for 18 years. Eighteen. We had a child together. And now it's like he is a stranger. Only that isn't really the truth. The truth is he is the same and I'm the one who is not. I'm the stranger and it's just all weird and just how, how does that happen is a mystery to me. But there it is. We don't have a lot of contact with each other since our son is 17. But what little we do is strained and weird. It is what it is and it's weird.
In other weirdness, when I went to check out at the ole Barnes and Noble I had three books. The book for my son, a Jumpin Jim 365 songs for the ukulele book for me and a gift book for a friend's daughter which was 1000 steam punk items picture book. Pretty eclectic I'll admit. The guy who checked me out (not that kind of check out but purchases check out) looked at me and said "either you are a geek or you know someone who is a geek". I said "I'm a geek and pretty much everyone I know is a geek. Geeks are just more interesting don't you think?" and he says "Yeah, LOOK." and he rolls up his sleeve and shows me a tattoo on his forearm. You know Dr. Seuss One Fish, Two Fish, Blue Fish or whatever that one is called something like that? Well he had blue fish from Dr. Seuss tattooed on his fore arm. I look at the guy and say "you do know there is a difference between weird and geek because that well, is leaning more towards weird. Not sure that is really geek." He looks stunned, but really? I'm not buying that as geek. Nope just not.
And I outed myself. Yep. I think that was the first time I publicly admitted to being a geek. And I realized at that moment that I've always been a geek. A closet geek but a geek. And my geekdom has been squished because my ex is anti geek. And for years (see above 18) I kept that part of me under wraps. Oh sure it would peak out sometimes like a slip peaking out beneath the hem of a dress but I would quickly pull it up by it's straps. No, no can't let that show. But, now I'm just letting the geek out. Full force.
The I went to the Whole Foods next to the Barnes and Noble and saw this:
Yeppers that was in the parking lot. And I want to think that was paint but I suspect that is carved into the car. And that heart thing just confuses me because I'm not sure if this says Jesus Christ loves you or Jesus Christ, love you. I guess we are all entitled to get our freak on. But it's this crap that give Christianity a bad name.
What else, well I got to get a move on prepping the house more. Next up I've got to get painting estimate. The interior needs to be painted and I'm going to have to have it carpeted I've decided. So moving on that. I need to get renters in there.
We are all settling in here. The dogs are settling down. We all are really. We have all had a bought of some sort of flu. My dad had it the worse and is almost over it but my mom is at the peak of misery today. My dad hit his peak the other night and came down at midnight to tell me he was ready to go to intensive care. Now. Well, he was miserable and had he taken anything? No. So two Advil and back to bed he went. Son and I had it but much milder and are both over it. Neither of us went to the misery place.
And Steve Jobs died and I really don't want to watch another good company go down the crapper.
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