Happiness is...

... a crock of shit. An illusion. A Hallmark sentiment of consumer bullshit.

Happiness exists as a fleeting feeling. Not as a sustainable state of being that society would have you believe.

We take in. We take in our being with our senses. We see, hear, feel, taste and smell and sometimes those things we take in please us and poof we experience happiness. But it is not a state of being.

Maybe contentment is more sustainable or satisfaction. But we have a right to pursue happiness and it just bloody well doesn't exist but for fleeting moments.

Those monks that sit and meditate for a life time in pursuit of enlightenment and that is just really another word for what they are really meditating for, which is for finding happiness, need to get up off their asses and fucking do something.

And just what brought me to this point of enlightenment?

Tossing out all my crap. Getting the last of my big items taken away. Stuff. Stuff that at one time I thought brought me happiness only to then wake up to find it sitting on my chest like an oppressing presences that I thought I would never get rid of. And I'm still not done. And it feels heavier at times.

So I'm driving over to the house yesterday to let go of these once fulfilled me in some way I thought items that are now trying to drag me under and I stop at a stop light. And who should cross the street but a homeless man. He had a backpack with all his possessions tied to it. Two grocery plastic bags and a quart container half filled with some sort of liquid. Hope it wasn't his pee. He crosses the street with all his worldly possessions easily being carted with him. He owns nothing that requires the worry of maintenance. No car. No house. No stuff that can break down and needs repairs. No worries right? So does he look happy? No. Make that a fuck no. In fact he was probably the most miserable looking son of a bitch I've seen since I've been off chemo row.

Because happiness is a crock of shit and a fleeting moment.

Satisfaction that you were the best person you could be today. I fail miserably at this one too but it's what I'm striving for these days because it feels real.

I need chocolate. Good thing Walmart had the sugar free stuff on sale yesterday. I stocked up.