Saving

I think if you don't use it you lose it. I never really wanted to move the blog in the first place but blogger updated and this page stopped working.

Hopefully this just saved it.

So It Don't Shut Down

I think if you don't post something on a blog it might go bye bye. So I don't want to lose this one although I've saved it in Word.

So I'm posting this to preserve it.

Hopefully.

The new stuff is on http://www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com/

New post

There is a new post up on the new site.

Go read. It is a review on  my new doctor.

http://www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com/

Just in Case

I know change is hard. As simple as a new spot for my blog. So here is the link. There is new stuff there so go on over.

http://www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com/

Here's the link to make it easier.

It was my last VISIT!

I posted this on the new blog too. But, I don't how many have changed over there and so because this is rather HUGE. I'm posting here too. 

Didn't know the last time I saw my oncologist it was going to be my last visit with him. I got this letter today:

May 14, 2012

To my dear patients,

During my 30 years of service to our community, I have been fortunate to care for thousands of patients. I am deeply committed to each and every one of you, as well as developing solutions to deliver better cancer care. It is with mixed emotions that I announce a move away from private practice in order to apply my medical training and clinical expertise in areas of science that have the potential to further my passion for "personalized medicine" for patients with cancer.

The privilege of working on behalf of my patients for years ahs been one of life's greatest gifts. I twas a very difficult decision to move away from private practice and close Newport Pacific Medical Associates. Caring for my patients has been the main focus of my everyday existence for a very long time, however, just as I have instructed many of you to give yourself permission to pursue those dreams that are most critical to your being;I must now heed my own advice. I pray that you will understand.

I am committed to transitioning each of you to a practitioner qualified to manage your medical condition. Enclosed please find a referral list and a recommended protocol for initiating your transition of care to one of several qualified physician practices in the area. Please contact the practitioner of your choice, either from the list provided or through another source and confirm an appointment with that physician. We will transfer your medical records upon confirmation and your written authorization to release.

Until Newport Medical Associates officially closes on June 15th, 2012, I will continue to see the most seriously ill patients to guide their safe transition, as well as those of you requiring hospitalization. I will no longer be seeing patients for routine follow-up appointments.

Please know that I cherish the relationships I have shared with each of you and your families. I wish you continued love, faith and hope.

Respectfully,

Neil M Barth MD FACP

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And so my cerebral warrior has chosen to take on another battle. I think he has fought long enough on the front lines. He can only see us one at a time. But, by choosing this new battle he will be fighting for many.

Cha cha cha changes

New posts are up on the new blog.

Go there and subscribe and well, yeah you all got to move with me.

www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com

Moved

Yes I am going to say it is official. I've moved. Still with blogger just new page. I wanted my gadgets back that worked. And so now I have them.

So go to the new blog. Add yourself as a follower. I did some work on it to make all the following easy on folks.

Thank you!

www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com

The link

www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com

Click on the link to go to the new site where the story continues.

Thank you.

Moving

But not really. More like switching apartments but staying in the same complex? I'm sticking with blogger because learning a whole new blogger way is too daunting right now.

So go check out www.lifeismessycleanitup.blogspot.com

I've put a test. And I'll be messing with it and trying to move there so I can use the widgets again!

Ugh.

Sticking around

I went to Hoag today for the complimentary yoga classes they have for their patients. I qualify.

It was nice and surprisingly rather emotional. It was at the cancer center. The center you go to and they do unpleasant things to you. The place where I was radiated and the place where they shoot me in the butt with my lupron. I love Hoag, don't get me wrong, but it isn't a place that gives me warm fuzzies, like Wal-mart. So, it was nice to go for something well, nice for a change.

There were twelve of us. And at one point during yoga I thought, we are all survivors and we are fighting for our lives. We are taking the time for ourselves because we want to stick around longer. And for a moment I felt that being in a separate boat thing that you can feel when you've been diagnosed with cancer. But, then I had a moment of clarity where I realized (not for the first time) that we are all in the same boat. Even when we think we are not. We are. And don't we all want to stick around longer? Don't we take care of ourselves because we all want to stick around?

It put exercise into a different light for me.

And then in the middle of class someone new to yoga shouted out "hey, when do we get to the relaxing part?"

It was beautiful.

The bad and the ugly

But it gets to good again. So I need to finish last week so I can get to this week. My time flies.

Monday did come and with it my homework was due for my Quickbooks class I'm taking. I got it done but, on Tuesday found out I had made a mistake somewhere along the line. But, by Wednesday at noon, I still hadn't found it and gave up. The worse part was that I had a test that night and the data from the homework was going to be used for the test. So I knew I was pretty much fucked for the test as well. And then at 4pm the light bulb goes on. From no where I knew where the mistake was. So now I'm jamming like crazy to get it fixed and print all the corrections out and I flew out the door at 5:40 pm to make it to my 6:00pm class. Now mind you, I have to say the teacher is a Nazi. She will ding you points for every little thing and gets off on it. Sicko. Anyway, I ran to class. Literally RAN. And those of you that know me, know I don't do run. The last time I ran to class was probably in high school. And honestly I'm not sure I ever even bothered before to run to class. I made it. Made it by the skin of my teeth. Only to discover I had left my student ID number at home. AND you need that to sign onto the computer. Fuck me. I just busted my ass to fix the homework, so the numbers would be right for the test and I can't even take the fucking thing, because I left my student ID number at home. So I go to the Nazi teacher and ask her if there is anyway she can look it up. And she tells me she can but, it will take her a little while. Okay fine, what else am I going to do? I go back to my computer and dig out my 3X5 note card we are allowed to write notes on and use during a test to discover...I had written my ID on the card. Why, I have no idea but it was probably the smartest thing I've ever done.

And in that moment, I discovered that I don't have as good of filters as I thought. Or because of what I've been through it really is all about me. Or because I'm turning fifty this year it REALLY is all about me. I know I've gone to the it's all about me universe. I know it. And I know those of you that know me, put up with my ass now that I'm in that universe and I appreciate that. I truly do. But, the glaring example of the it's all about me and my filters have eroded to non-existence, happened in that moment, when my eyes hit that ID number on the 3X5 card, because I just walked up to the front of the class and stood right in front of Nazi teacher and declared in great relief "Look! I wrote it down on my card, I don't need you to look it up after all!" She looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind, which I think at this point I had, because it wasn't until that very moment that I realized she was talking to the class. She looked at me rather stunned and said "That's good." Probably because she didn't know what else to say.

Sigh. Yes one of my finer moments.

Tuesday I went and had my mammogram. Everything is good. Saw my surgeon she is doing well and is happy with me. I went on Wednesday to my internist who shot my finger up with some herbal stuff. I'm hoping this will help and I am getting some relief. But, I didn't time things so well because Thursday I saw my cerebral warrior. And he wasn't too impressed with the finger shooting up with herbal concoction. He was non committal. Literally. Just looked and said nothing. Sigh. But, he is rather happy with how I am doing as well. I'm on half dosage with the letrozole and he tested to see how my estrogen levels are doing on the half dosage. I haven't heard anything so If I don't I won't go back to see him until July. I do have to have a CT scan. Just follow up. And am waiting for that to be scheduled once they get the approval from my insurance. But, Dr. Barth just wants that done before he sees me in July so, there is no rush.

Then Thursday, I went to Disneyland in the evening with a lovely friend and her daughter. It was a nice way to unwind from the crazy week.

And that was the good, the bad and the ugly!

The Good, The Bad and...

The ugly. That was how this past week went. So...let's see, yes let's start with the good.

Went camping last weekend with friends to Caspers. Have you been to Caspers off the Ortega Highway? I highly recommend it. It was glorious. Yes we had some mutiny on our hands because we drove all the way down there in the pouring down rain. It looked bleak folks. Yes it did. But, we were determined to at least give it a try. We had a beautiful site. I can recommend site number 27. I want to camp there again next time. It was covered with two huge trees which had kept the ground from getting...well, too muddy. It was barely sprinkling when we got there so the tent went up and our gear went in and then...down pour! Perfect timing. And the down pour lasted just enough time. Time to enjoy being in "weather" without getting miserable. Well, except I really needed to pee and the sound of the pouring rain didn't help.

The next day was beautiful. In the morning we walked up to the visitors center and watch a nice video about the park, had some hot coffee and enjoyed the look-out tower viewing thinging whatever you want to call it.

And we found out they were having a free event that day. Adventure day. We got a free tractor pulled hayride up to the event. There was live hootenanny music and all. Nice booths from various organizations. Got some free passes to the OC Zoo. Didn't even know we had a OC zoo. AND I won a Galileo thermometer in the raffle!

We took a short hike the next day on the closed trail. Yes it was closed but we went anyway. Through the 350 year old oak tree grove. Yes it is magical.

And that was the good. Nice way to celebrate a friend's birthday I must say.

Anniversary

Oh look a bonus. Two posts on the same night.

I was terribly remiss in posting on my anniversary. Like I said I can't remember jack shit but, on April 1st it was my two year anniversary of...being diagnosed.

So that makes me a 2 year survivor. I still like NED (no evidence of disease) though.

And what do I get for an anniversary gift? Well, I go for a mammogram on the 17th and I'll see Dr. Barth on the 19th and we will chat more about the letrozole. Yeah that's the AI that is giving me trouble. Small joint pain. I stopped taking it for the month of November then in December tried a different AI but I didn't like that one. Gave me anxiety like I need more of that. So I went back to the letrozole but half dose. Dr. Barth is okay with me taking half dose but isn't sure I'll be okay on this for the next well, four years. I have added glucosamine, chonroitin and msm to the regime and that is helping. My weight is up and I'm not happy with that. And I'm still having problem with my index finger not being able to bend it well. I'm seeing my internist now for that and today I went and had an xray of my neck area because I think it is stemming from there. So she wanted that checked out before we proceed. I want to try acupuncture for it as my internist is now trained in that area. So I'll report back on how all that goes.

Happy Anniversary to ME!

Love you all

Life's lessons, observations, tips and tricks

You only need to be able to sew reasonably straight if you use....invisible thread. Who knew and the color matches everything.

Do not watch a cooking show while cooking because you will panic thinking what the hell is sizzling, nothing should be sizzling and then you realize it's the TV. What the cooking show has on is sizzling. Save yourself some panic.

What else....oh you know that smart pop popcorn that is 98 percent fat free and fewer calories? It tastes really good with melted butter poured on it.

No matter what a good idea it seems to use your parking brake on your car, if this is not a habit of yours already don't try and make it one. You will just forget to release the parking break thus drive around until you wonder what the fuck is that smell and why is that light on. Oh. I really don't know what the parking break is for. Have never used one and trying to start didn't go well.

I've gotten warm and fuzzy with the reality that I can not remember jack shit. So I write myself notes. If you see me wearing a name tag someday...yeah it got that bad.

I also seem to be obtaining skills that would put David Copperfield and Houndini to shame. I can make something disappear in a blink of an eye. Now if I could just make it reappear.

I really want the iPhone 4S. Well, what I really want is Siri. In fact I'm pretty sure I need Siri. It will be my back up brain.

Voted off the Island

So I just completed a series of hoop jumping. And not just any hoop jumping but hoops on fire!

It sounded like a nice job. A part time office clerk at a school. 10 months out of the year so summers off. Two locations one less than a mile from my home and the other less than 3. Sounds ideal right?

So I apply figuring I had a snowflake chance in hell and I got email invited to come on down and take a test. So I go. 100 multiple choice guess test. It was a thinker and not easy. At the test, I was told 411 people had applied. 66 were invited to take the test and probably about 50 had showed up. From the test they will be cutting the number down and those making it will get to interview with an oral panel. Oh yipee. So I take the test AND I get an email congrats you made the cut with a score of 93 come on down for the oral panel interview along with 11 other people. The interview was with 3 people from the school district. It went well. And from the 12 there would be 4 that got to interview with the principals for the two job positions. AND I got called. Congrats come on down, you get to interview with the principals. Both at the same time. AND you are ranked 2nd!

Sounds all good but, I didn't get the job. I think the ranking was a bogus and it really should have been we will be narrowing it down to four candidates because really a principal has time to interview more than that?

And here is where our crazy reasoning comes in. The something better is coming. It wasn't meant to be. And all the scenarios. They probably had an in house person and you out scored them.

Sure all these could be true.

But, the truth is someone had to be voted off the island. Well, two of us got voted off the island.


So now I have the choice of feeling a bit beat up and my confidence being bruised and feeling shaky.

OR...damn I beat 411 people to the final round.


And what did I learn? I need to have more confidence in my computer skills. So I need to break down and buy freaking microsoft office 2010. Blast it. And work with it and build my confidence back up. Shit maybe even take a class or two. I've worked with word and excel for years. Years but trying to tell someone about it I found a bit like trying to tell someone you can drive. Well, yes there's a steering wheel you turn and a gas peddle to make it go and a brake to make it stop. Yes I know how to drive.

In my brain you can teach a monkey office software but you can't teach a monkey people skills. So I think I sold my people skills hard and not enough office skills but, there we are back at crazy reasoning.

Someone had to get voted off the island.

Never Snowplow

I can not take credit for today's blog fodder. No this I stole from a dear friend's face book post.

This is life in a minute and forty-nine seconds.

It truly does represent the good, the bad and the ugly.

Facing something new?

Facing a new challenge?

Facing each new day?

Goes like this:




And this is our life. It is scary and exciting and full of the unknown.

I think the best piece of advice....


NEVER SNOWPLOW.

Here I GO!

What Must They Think

Why do they put themselves into those metal boxes
And race on rubber wheels
On asphalt trails
With their eyes on the destination
And not on the journey
They fear death
Yet peril is at every turn

And why is the apple
Provided freely
Taken and heated
Mashed
Placed into a jar
To be bartered?
When the apple has been provided
Freely
With no more effort than to pluck it from the tree

And why
When we provided the sun
Moon
Stars
Daylight and night
Do they measure by the blink of an eye
The passing of time

The natural wonders we placed
For all
Yet they barter these sights too

We gave them each other
For companionship
Yet granted and often hated
Has been the result

Oh, what must they think?

Communication, Where did I fail?

I tried. I swear to GOD I tried to forge an open, honest, safe place for my son to communicate with me. I feel we have that. And THEN I feel I shouldn't have even bothered with the effort!!

DMV saga continued today with a trip to the eye doc. Son was due for an exam so full exam it was. BUT the doc looked over the form from the DMV and said "he can see better than what the DMV says." Okay. So he should have been able to pass the eye test at the DMV.

Then we take the form and head on over to the DMV to turn it in. The DMV dude says "your doctor gave him a new prescription, so when are you going to fill it because it really should be filled first." So I start talking about the slight change in the prescription and how the doc said he should have been able to pass the eye exam so I'm not sure what is going on.

So the guy has my son put his head in the box again and try to look. Of course his eyes are still dilated and he says "I can't see because my eyes are dilated." The DMV guy gives in and gives him his permit but tells me that when he does the behind the wheel test, they will test his eyes again and if he fails then he will have to take a behind the wheel test every 2 years and you don't want to have to do that so make sure he comes with his new glasses. AND the doc form is only good for 6 months. His permit is good for a year. BUT if he doesn't take the behind the wheel in six months we have to have the doc fill out another form. Whatever. If he is not ready in six months, I'll take him back to the eye doc. BUT I don't want him to have to take the behind the wheel every two years!

So I ask the guy what does the chart test? He says that at 20/20, and the box? Oh he can set that at 20/40-20/100.

So this all leaves me with WTF? Because at the docs with his old glasses on he could see 20/60 with the bad eye.

Out we walk and I have my son sit down on a bench and I say "what's up? you should have been able to pass the last time. What are you seeing in the box?"

And the kid NOW says "well mom there is this divider in the box that is between your eyes and the left side is blank and the right side has the data I'm suppose to see but my brain turns off my right eye and tries to use my left when I use them together so my left eye is trying to look to the right but that thing is there blocking, so all the letters look cut in half." And if you know my son, then you know he said it just like that without taking a breath and no punctuation.

Jesus H CHRIST close your left eye!

Well, I was afraid they would yell at me.

They can't see you, your head is in a box!!!

At the eye doc, he covers each eye. Sigh.

BUT does the kid tell me this after the first trip to the DMV? NO. I have to dig it out of him.

AND does it get better. Yes, yes it does. So I'm doing green smoothies and I ordered a book from BnN and my son has the membership. It's under his name. So I order the book under his name for free shipping and discount.

The feeble aging mind realizes it's been over a week since I ordered the book. Where the Hell is it? This afternoon I say in general to the household. "Hey, my book should have come by now. Anyone see a package around here?" My dad says "oh, oh a package came for Chris a few days ago." And then my son pipes in with "Yeah, Grandpa gave me this package and it's a book on green smoothies and I thought oh God mom is trying to get me to drink green smoothies so I tossed it in my room."

THAT'S MY BOOK!!!

I've been drinking green smoothies. The kid knows I've been drinking green smoothies. A book comes about making green smoothies and he thinks I'm trying.....yeah.

I wish I was Spock and could do a mind meld but, I probably wouldn't survive.

The mind meld would probably go something like this, including the painful Red Lobster commercial.

Trust

Trust is spoken about in terms of strength
Like the heaviest of chain links
Making an unbreakable bond
Withstanding the test of time

In reality, trust is but the thinnest strand of a spider's webbing
That can be broken with the softest of whispers.



(Disclaimer: No, no one has broken my trust. Not lately anyway. It was just there in my brain and wanted to be shared.)

Should I move?

See that stuff over there? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

That out of date stuff?

No I'm not lazy. I can't fucking change it anymore. Blogger changed and has a new interface/look/whatever and it doesn't work. It doesn't have all the options it used to. And they still let you use the old interface but those options are gone now too.

AND blogger knows it. And are trying to do something about it but, it has been too long for me.

So I'm thinking of moving my blog.

Any suggestions?

Anyone else have a blog that's not on blogger and they like it better?