Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Go to the 5 minute mark
I'm in the process of weaning myself off the xanax. I was perusing around on youtube for various mediatation sound therapy type stuff when I stumbled across this.
Why do people have to go too far with a good thing? I was really into this. Enjoying the heck out of all the different sound. Really relaxed. And then...at the 5 minute mark it all goes to hell. Literally. Guys becomes possessed. Now I'm laughing and not relaxed anymore.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Dr. Barth
Visit with Dr. Barth went well today. Nothing new really. All my blood work looks good. My tumor markers are all good (blood markers that they measure to see if the cancer is coming back). No side effects from Lupron, yet. Shingles are gone and no residual pain. He was happy about that. He seems to have settled down about the Lupron and didn't talk about surgery today.
Looks like I won't have to have a MUGA in December. New guidelines came out in July that they only need to be done every 6 months. He is going to check with my insurance. But, that would put it off until March. And since my MUGA in September looked great with my heart function being on the high end of normal, there really isn't any reason to have one before then. I'll be cheesed if my insurance insists on one.
He wants to see me in 6 weeks unless I'm having problems with the Lupron. I told him if I started setting things on fire, I would be in to see him sooner.
Looks like I won't have to have a MUGA in December. New guidelines came out in July that they only need to be done every 6 months. He is going to check with my insurance. But, that would put it off until March. And since my MUGA in September looked great with my heart function being on the high end of normal, there really isn't any reason to have one before then. I'll be cheesed if my insurance insists on one.
He wants to see me in 6 weeks unless I'm having problems with the Lupron. I told him if I started setting things on fire, I would be in to see him sooner.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Lupron.
Lupron? What lupron? Still nothing. And I'm enjoying the nothing and not thinking about it.
I see Dr. Barth tomorrow at 4pm. I need to talk to him about scheduling my next MUGA scan. That is the heart scan that my insurance is requiring that I have every three months and I'll be due to have it again in December.
I'll see what Dr. Barth has to throw at me this time. I never know with him.
I see Dr. Barth tomorrow at 4pm. I need to talk to him about scheduling my next MUGA scan. That is the heart scan that my insurance is requiring that I have every three months and I'll be due to have it again in December.
I'll see what Dr. Barth has to throw at me this time. I never know with him.
Ho ho ho..
Oh shit. Christmas is coming. Like a runaway freight train. Full speed ahead.
Now don't get me wrong I like Christmas. What I don't like? The over commercialized, Hallmark bullshit of having to make sure it "looks" right.
Why do we "buy" into this crap. It is like society holds up a picture and says "this is what Christmas looks like" And you know what picture that is? Yes. This one. I know this is Norman Rockwell's Freedom from Want, but, I think it has become the "picture" of what our holidays should look like. Or it is one example.
We are suppose to feel good about the holidays. Right? It is a time to spend with family and friends. Sharing food and gifts. Thinking of one another and appreciating each other. But, what I end up seeing and doing is inverting myself to make sure it is "right". Referring to the picture and finding myself lacking. And then feeling crappy.
My mother called me today. To talk about what we should eat Christmas day. Really? I'm suppose to be thinking about what to eat four weeks from now? I was trying to figure out what to have for breakfast. I just told her, I'm sure we will figure out something. No one will go hungry and it will all be fine. There is only going to be four of us for crying out loud!
My son was the voice of reason this season. Mom do we HAVE to put up the big tree? No.
No?
No.
NO?
NO!
Wow.
Right on mom.
Which made me realize that my son has been watching the craziness of it all and was dreading going through it again.
Yes I put up a tree. My 3 foot table top one. Yes I put up decorations in the house and my lights outside. It took me about an hour. In the past I would usually spend two days putting up crap.
So I'm stopping the insanity. I'm going to do the holidays without stress this year. I'm going to enjoy them and if I start to feel cranky or put upon or not measuring up, I going to flip the bird to Hallmark!
Join me in stopping the insanity and slowing down, take in the twinkle and what, without the crazy, can be truly a magical time of the year.
I encourage you all to find your voice of reason for the season!
OR go find your River....
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Flying this season?
Well my recent flight to and from Vegas was TSA uneventful.
Here's something to kick off the holiday season for anyone who will be flying.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I really don't know life at all
Do we ever figure it out?
I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing to figure out.
Life is not about figuring it out and doing it right.
It is just about experiencing it. And the figuring out part is an illusion that is foist upon us from the moment we are small children and adults asks us what do we want to be when we grow up. I guess we are suppose to have it figured out as a small child and just wait to get big enough to do it.
What inspired this? Well a small conversation I had today while my family celebrated Thanksgiving on the non Hallmark dictated date.
I'm talking about my bout with shingles with my cousin's ex. And he is talking to me about his gout. And then, he looks at me and says remember when we would all talk about what night club to go to? And now here we are talking about shingles and gout.
With any luck I hope someday to be talking to him about hearing aides and walkers.
Life changes, morphs. It's organic. There is no figuring it out.
Just experience it.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
What happens in Vegas....
would stay there if it wasn't shared! But where's the fun in that. Had a great trip with my cousin. But, it was not uneventful!
When we arrived at the lovely Mirage Hotel their computers were down. Line a mile long to check in and we were informed that they were checking people in manually and it was taking 15 to 20 minutes per check in. Nope. We checked our bags at the bell desk and heading out to the buffet for lunch. We then gambled a bit. Line was still crazy and not moving. My cousin went and talked to someone and they said yeah it's going to be a couple of hours. So we went next door to Caesars and walked through the shops. Did some more gambling and then headed back about five hours later from when we got there.
No line. Computers back up. Yay! We check in and up to the 10 floor we go. On the way up I say to my cousin "you think they really had enough time to update their computers with who all checked in? you know the last time we were in Vegas together 20 years ago remember there were people in the room? You don't think....no that won't happen" We were laughing a remembering how we changed rooms and then there were people in the second room and the guys (we were both married back then) said that's it and we left and went to another hotel. We get to the room, in goes the key, open the door AND yep. There is an old lady in bed watching TV. She just looks over at us. I said I'm so sorry and shut the door as fast as I could. My cousin is now saying I jinks us. Back to the front desk we go. Apologies all over the place. Here is a new room key. Oh and they are upgrading us to a volcano view room. Big whoop. I tell the front desk person to please call the room and make sure no one is in there before we go up. And she did and no one answered. So up we go. Back to the tenth floor but, volcano side of hotel this time. We approach the door and there is a privacy sign on the door. Nope. I'm not opening that door. My cousin starts to and then decides to knock. No one answers. She knocks again just to be safe. No answer. She starts to put the key in and then we hear a male voice "hello". Oh Lord above yes, it is very obvious that there is a "reason" they didn't answer the phone or the door right away. Oh man. My cousin says so sorry they gave us this room and this is the second one that has been occupied and you might want to lock your door if you haven't already. Oh, oh thank you says the guy. And we hear a "click". Doesn't anyone lock their door when in their hotel room! Back to the front desk we go. Again. And I'm cheesed off. Now there is a line in the lobby. No way. I go to VIP check in. Explain what happened. That the last room interruption was rather embarrassing since the people in the room were obviously "busy". Off goes the front desk person. We wait and wait. She comes back. New room. Well no shit. Personal escort up to room. Good because I'm not opening that door again. And a $75 dollar room credit. Now we're talking. And the buffets were great! No one in the third room. Thank God.
We went back out and later that night we got hungry. There is a deli at the Mirage and we decided to get a sandwich to go and to take back to the room and share. I tell the girl at the counter that I want to do a room charge. We had the room credit and I wanted to use it. She says sure no problem and your room number? I have absolutely no idea. I look at my cousin. How should I know it's our third room! She says with ID she can look it up. I give her my ID and ask her to write the number down! If we hadn't gone to get food, I don't know when it would have dawned on us that we had no idea what room we were in!
We did some fabulous shopping. Ate. Ate and ate more. Went to the Bellagio buffet. Crazy. Just crazy good. French toast stuff with bananas and nutella. Oh Lord. I called my mom while eating it. She says "say that again?" Oh yeah.
Saw KA the show at the MGM grand. It's one of the cirque de sol shows. It was fantastic. Highlight of the show for me was the two guys running around the rotating hamster wheels. You've seen them in circuses where they are driving a motorcycle inside one. Well this was a contraption with two hamster wheels on each end and a guy in each wheel running around inside while the whole thing rotated. Then one guys goes on the outside of the wheel. Then he starts jumping rope. My cousin leans over and asks me Pam I can't see, what is he tethered to. I say nothing. She says that is one crazy boy! I say yeah I'm about to wet my pants. If he falls he is one dead boy. Nothing below these crazy adrenaline junkies but hard floor from what I can see. And my over analyzing crazy monkey brain that I have, all I can think is that this is not the kind of job you can do forever. These guys were built like bricks. So when you can't physically do this job anymore what then? On your resume it says jump roping hamster wheel running crazy risk taking fucker. But, what? I guess you can qualify for a job at Wal-Mart. Rather anti climatic though.
On Sunday we went to the Grand Lux to eat. Oh man. Just roll me. Place is owned by the Cheesecake Factory. But, it is even better. Had a crab louie salad that was insane but, BUT, but the OOOoooOOOOoooo was the freshly baked while you ate chocolate chip pecan cookies that they then bring out to you in a to go box. Hot gooey goodness. I eat one and tell the waiter I want another box. Man's eyes pop out. I say I'm taking them home to my parents. He says well, it will be another twenty minutes. That's Okay we are not in a hurry. So now we are wondering around the Venetian's casino each carting a box containing a dozen cookies of goodness. And I finally feel the lucky mojo. A couple of hours later when we are ready to go I have over nine hundred dollars in my wallet. My cousin wants to hit me over the head with the box of cookies and is tired of watching me drain the penny machines. What can I say. My wallet was full, my tummy was full, had my cookies of goodness for my parents, it was time to go home.
It was a agate marble in my fun jar.
When we arrived at the lovely Mirage Hotel their computers were down. Line a mile long to check in and we were informed that they were checking people in manually and it was taking 15 to 20 minutes per check in. Nope. We checked our bags at the bell desk and heading out to the buffet for lunch. We then gambled a bit. Line was still crazy and not moving. My cousin went and talked to someone and they said yeah it's going to be a couple of hours. So we went next door to Caesars and walked through the shops. Did some more gambling and then headed back about five hours later from when we got there.
No line. Computers back up. Yay! We check in and up to the 10 floor we go. On the way up I say to my cousin "you think they really had enough time to update their computers with who all checked in? you know the last time we were in Vegas together 20 years ago remember there were people in the room? You don't think....no that won't happen" We were laughing a remembering how we changed rooms and then there were people in the second room and the guys (we were both married back then) said that's it and we left and went to another hotel. We get to the room, in goes the key, open the door AND yep. There is an old lady in bed watching TV. She just looks over at us. I said I'm so sorry and shut the door as fast as I could. My cousin is now saying I jinks us. Back to the front desk we go. Apologies all over the place. Here is a new room key. Oh and they are upgrading us to a volcano view room. Big whoop. I tell the front desk person to please call the room and make sure no one is in there before we go up. And she did and no one answered. So up we go. Back to the tenth floor but, volcano side of hotel this time. We approach the door and there is a privacy sign on the door. Nope. I'm not opening that door. My cousin starts to and then decides to knock. No one answers. She knocks again just to be safe. No answer. She starts to put the key in and then we hear a male voice "hello". Oh Lord above yes, it is very obvious that there is a "reason" they didn't answer the phone or the door right away. Oh man. My cousin says so sorry they gave us this room and this is the second one that has been occupied and you might want to lock your door if you haven't already. Oh, oh thank you says the guy. And we hear a "click". Doesn't anyone lock their door when in their hotel room! Back to the front desk we go. Again. And I'm cheesed off. Now there is a line in the lobby. No way. I go to VIP check in. Explain what happened. That the last room interruption was rather embarrassing since the people in the room were obviously "busy". Off goes the front desk person. We wait and wait. She comes back. New room. Well no shit. Personal escort up to room. Good because I'm not opening that door again. And a $75 dollar room credit. Now we're talking. And the buffets were great! No one in the third room. Thank God.
We went back out and later that night we got hungry. There is a deli at the Mirage and we decided to get a sandwich to go and to take back to the room and share. I tell the girl at the counter that I want to do a room charge. We had the room credit and I wanted to use it. She says sure no problem and your room number? I have absolutely no idea. I look at my cousin. How should I know it's our third room! She says with ID she can look it up. I give her my ID and ask her to write the number down! If we hadn't gone to get food, I don't know when it would have dawned on us that we had no idea what room we were in!
We did some fabulous shopping. Ate. Ate and ate more. Went to the Bellagio buffet. Crazy. Just crazy good. French toast stuff with bananas and nutella. Oh Lord. I called my mom while eating it. She says "say that again?" Oh yeah.
Saw KA the show at the MGM grand. It's one of the cirque de sol shows. It was fantastic. Highlight of the show for me was the two guys running around the rotating hamster wheels. You've seen them in circuses where they are driving a motorcycle inside one. Well this was a contraption with two hamster wheels on each end and a guy in each wheel running around inside while the whole thing rotated. Then one guys goes on the outside of the wheel. Then he starts jumping rope. My cousin leans over and asks me Pam I can't see, what is he tethered to. I say nothing. She says that is one crazy boy! I say yeah I'm about to wet my pants. If he falls he is one dead boy. Nothing below these crazy adrenaline junkies but hard floor from what I can see. And my over analyzing crazy monkey brain that I have, all I can think is that this is not the kind of job you can do forever. These guys were built like bricks. So when you can't physically do this job anymore what then? On your resume it says jump roping hamster wheel running crazy risk taking fucker. But, what? I guess you can qualify for a job at Wal-Mart. Rather anti climatic though.
On Sunday we went to the Grand Lux to eat. Oh man. Just roll me. Place is owned by the Cheesecake Factory. But, it is even better. Had a crab louie salad that was insane but, BUT, but the OOOoooOOOOoooo was the freshly baked while you ate chocolate chip pecan cookies that they then bring out to you in a to go box. Hot gooey goodness. I eat one and tell the waiter I want another box. Man's eyes pop out. I say I'm taking them home to my parents. He says well, it will be another twenty minutes. That's Okay we are not in a hurry. So now we are wondering around the Venetian's casino each carting a box containing a dozen cookies of goodness. And I finally feel the lucky mojo. A couple of hours later when we are ready to go I have over nine hundred dollars in my wallet. My cousin wants to hit me over the head with the box of cookies and is tired of watching me drain the penny machines. What can I say. My wallet was full, my tummy was full, had my cookies of goodness for my parents, it was time to go home.
It was a agate marble in my fun jar.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Certified what?
Forget certified organic, this is genius.
Amazon Certified Frustration-Free Packaging
Amazon Certified Frustration-Free Packaging ImageFrustration-Free Certified Packages are easy-to-open and come without hard plastic "clamshell" casings, plastic bindings, and wire ties. Frustration-Free Packaging will protect your product just as well as traditional packaging, and what's inside is exactly the same. Products with Frustration-Free Packaging can frequently be shipped in their own boxes, without the need for an additional shipping box.
Learn more about Certified Frustration-Free Packaging.
See our current list of items featuring Frustration-Free Packaging.
If you have more questions about Amazon Certified Frustration-Free Packaging, see our FAQs
Amazon Certified Frustration-Free Packaging
Amazon Certified Frustration-Free Packaging ImageFrustration-Free Certified Packages are easy-to-open and come without hard plastic "clamshell" casings, plastic bindings, and wire ties. Frustration-Free Packaging will protect your product just as well as traditional packaging, and what's inside is exactly the same. Products with Frustration-Free Packaging can frequently be shipped in their own boxes, without the need for an additional shipping box.
Learn more about Certified Frustration-Free Packaging.
See our current list of items featuring Frustration-Free Packaging.
If you have more questions about Amazon Certified Frustration-Free Packaging, see our FAQs
I'm back
I'm home. Had a great time. Will blog about adventures soon. But, I'm off to watch some anime with son.
I have herceptin infusion tomorrow at 10am and then my lupron shot at Hoag day hospital at 2pm. It's an insurance thing.
And then I wait. Wait like a human time bomb once again to see what the lupron will do. I've made peace with it but, anxiety wants to rear its ugly head. I've told it to go away and that everything will be fine. I've told my body that it is going into a natural state of being just the means of getting there are being forced. But, by forcing it, I have choices. Choices about menopause where as naturally you don't. If you go through menopause naturally you don't know how that is going to happen, when, where or how. But, I do have some choices. Limited as they may be it is still more than none.
Yes. I'm trying to convince myself.
I have herceptin infusion tomorrow at 10am and then my lupron shot at Hoag day hospital at 2pm. It's an insurance thing.
And then I wait. Wait like a human time bomb once again to see what the lupron will do. I've made peace with it but, anxiety wants to rear its ugly head. I've told it to go away and that everything will be fine. I've told my body that it is going into a natural state of being just the means of getting there are being forced. But, by forcing it, I have choices. Choices about menopause where as naturally you don't. If you go through menopause naturally you don't know how that is going to happen, when, where or how. But, I do have some choices. Limited as they may be it is still more than none.
Yes. I'm trying to convince myself.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Viva Lost Wages
Yes I'm leaving. And on a jet plane. Although I do know when I'll be back again. Sunday. No blogging until then.
Lupron will be done Monday or Tuesday. They called today.
Looking back Ken vs GI Joe
Looking back might be a good place to gander at.
I've been in the present and what is going on right now. Which is not a bad place to be. And I've been struggling and wrestling with the future. Which I know will work its way out. But, I stopped today to take a gander at the past. Which for some would be a good thing and maybe for others not so much.
What caused me to look over my shoulder was my son's hair cut. At the salon I was asked if I wanted a hair cut. Yes, I acknowledge I have hair but, to cut it would most likely leave me bald and I've already worn that look. So it amused me to no end. And as I sat there waiting for my son to get his locks whacked off, I was reminded of a Barbie doll I had when I was a girl.
It was Barbie with growable hair. Kind of. She had a hole in the top of her head and a pony tail hanging out. You could yank on the pony tail and make it longer. And then yank on it again and it would wind itself back into the hole in her head and be short. Remember that Barbie? Anyone?
Well, after I obtained my hair growing Barbie, the growing abilities lasted about 2 1/2 minutes because just how did that work. Pop. Off with her head promptly. And then well, inside was a cheap ass spring loaded pulley thinging and pony tail attached by dental floss. The whole thing didn't work well after that. And at some point I wasn't happy with the length of her pony tail. I remember that no matter how much yanking I did I just couldn't get it that perfect length. So I cut it. Then cut it more. And finally I remember getting fixated again on the workings of the thing. Pop off with her head and the dental floss got so dangled up I ended up cutting that. Oops. There went the pony tail all together. So now I had a Barbie with a hole in the top of her head. Which I discovered allowed you to fill Barbie's head with all kinds of things. Tiny beads. Sand. Oh you could put flowers in the hole and have them sticking out of her head. Yes. That was best. Flower head Barbie.
And I was a Barbie girl. Barbie's dream house. Barbie's dream car. Skipper. And Ken.
Ken, Ken, Ken. Polyester jumpsuit, ascot sporting Ken. Disappointing boyfriend really because Ken, well Ken was lacking in some serious ways as far as I and my other Barbie and Ken owning girlfriends were concerned. And when it came to Ken there was one thing that we were concerned with. Where was Ken's parts.
One of us girls would get a new Ken doll for our birthday or Christmas. We would meet over at someone's house. New Ken doll clutched in owners hand. We would all sit around and anticipate the grand unveiling. The owner of the doll would do the honors. And....pull down the pants. And then...disappointment. Awwww man. Where's the goods. We were robbed. It's not fair. Barbie has boobs, where's Ken's equipment. It was sad. Not even a bulge was to be found. And the injustice of it all.
Then one of my friends, her brother got a GI Joe action figure (because boys don't have dolls) for his birthday. And she got us all together. This was GI Joe. No polyester sporting ascot wearing wimp. He wore camafloge, combat boots, had machine guns and drove a Jeep. Yes, this was a man. AND and....this one. This GI Joe doll had chest hair!! Not imprinted into the plastic chest hair. We are talking series of holes punctured into the plastic chest wall and plastic fake hair glued into each hole. Chest hair.
So when her brother left to go to little league practice we went into his room and retrieved GI Joe. We sat around. Oh the anticipation. Said sister had the honors of the unveil as we chanted, take them off, take them off. All that was lacking was koolaide filled cups with drink umbrellas and our fists clutching monopoly money to throw at GI Joe. Finally the unveil. AND. Yep. Disappointment. Nada. GI Joe was not manly after all. And we were outraged. And decided he didn't deserve his manly chest hair. We took tweezers and pluck his chest hair out. Why? I guess outraged disappointed little girls can be vindictive.
In the end the brother was beside himself. The parents bought him a new GI Joe and said sister had to pay for it out of her allowance over time.
So look over your shoulder. Remember a little ridiculous whimsy. And share.
Remember what shaped you.
I've been in the present and what is going on right now. Which is not a bad place to be. And I've been struggling and wrestling with the future. Which I know will work its way out. But, I stopped today to take a gander at the past. Which for some would be a good thing and maybe for others not so much.
What caused me to look over my shoulder was my son's hair cut. At the salon I was asked if I wanted a hair cut. Yes, I acknowledge I have hair but, to cut it would most likely leave me bald and I've already worn that look. So it amused me to no end. And as I sat there waiting for my son to get his locks whacked off, I was reminded of a Barbie doll I had when I was a girl.
It was Barbie with growable hair. Kind of. She had a hole in the top of her head and a pony tail hanging out. You could yank on the pony tail and make it longer. And then yank on it again and it would wind itself back into the hole in her head and be short. Remember that Barbie? Anyone?
Well, after I obtained my hair growing Barbie, the growing abilities lasted about 2 1/2 minutes because just how did that work. Pop. Off with her head promptly. And then well, inside was a cheap ass spring loaded pulley thinging and pony tail attached by dental floss. The whole thing didn't work well after that. And at some point I wasn't happy with the length of her pony tail. I remember that no matter how much yanking I did I just couldn't get it that perfect length. So I cut it. Then cut it more. And finally I remember getting fixated again on the workings of the thing. Pop off with her head and the dental floss got so dangled up I ended up cutting that. Oops. There went the pony tail all together. So now I had a Barbie with a hole in the top of her head. Which I discovered allowed you to fill Barbie's head with all kinds of things. Tiny beads. Sand. Oh you could put flowers in the hole and have them sticking out of her head. Yes. That was best. Flower head Barbie.
And I was a Barbie girl. Barbie's dream house. Barbie's dream car. Skipper. And Ken.
Ken, Ken, Ken. Polyester jumpsuit, ascot sporting Ken. Disappointing boyfriend really because Ken, well Ken was lacking in some serious ways as far as I and my other Barbie and Ken owning girlfriends were concerned. And when it came to Ken there was one thing that we were concerned with. Where was Ken's parts.
One of us girls would get a new Ken doll for our birthday or Christmas. We would meet over at someone's house. New Ken doll clutched in owners hand. We would all sit around and anticipate the grand unveiling. The owner of the doll would do the honors. And....pull down the pants. And then...disappointment. Awwww man. Where's the goods. We were robbed. It's not fair. Barbie has boobs, where's Ken's equipment. It was sad. Not even a bulge was to be found. And the injustice of it all.
Then one of my friends, her brother got a GI Joe action figure (because boys don't have dolls) for his birthday. And she got us all together. This was GI Joe. No polyester sporting ascot wearing wimp. He wore camafloge, combat boots, had machine guns and drove a Jeep. Yes, this was a man. AND and....this one. This GI Joe doll had chest hair!! Not imprinted into the plastic chest hair. We are talking series of holes punctured into the plastic chest wall and plastic fake hair glued into each hole. Chest hair.
So when her brother left to go to little league practice we went into his room and retrieved GI Joe. We sat around. Oh the anticipation. Said sister had the honors of the unveil as we chanted, take them off, take them off. All that was lacking was koolaide filled cups with drink umbrellas and our fists clutching monopoly money to throw at GI Joe. Finally the unveil. AND. Yep. Disappointment. Nada. GI Joe was not manly after all. And we were outraged. And decided he didn't deserve his manly chest hair. We took tweezers and pluck his chest hair out. Why? I guess outraged disappointed little girls can be vindictive.
In the end the brother was beside himself. The parents bought him a new GI Joe and said sister had to pay for it out of her allowance over time.
So look over your shoulder. Remember a little ridiculous whimsy. And share.
Remember what shaped you.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Growth Requires Pain
If it is hard, pursue it
If it is easy, enjoy it
If it is broken, it still has worth
If it is imperfect, it still has value
And if it is beautiful, gaze upon it and drink it in
And if it is perfect, point and shout
If you are on top, you are floating
If you are sinking, you are floating at another level
And if you have reached bottom, you are just resting
So run with scissors
Stick a penny in an outlet
Shove a bean up your nose
Slide down a flight of stairs in a box
Jump on the bed until the slats break
Put gum in your hair
Light something on fire
For growth requires pain
If it is easy, enjoy it
If it is broken, it still has worth
If it is imperfect, it still has value
And if it is beautiful, gaze upon it and drink it in
And if it is perfect, point and shout
If you are on top, you are floating
If you are sinking, you are floating at another level
And if you have reached bottom, you are just resting
So run with scissors
Stick a penny in an outlet
Shove a bean up your nose
Slide down a flight of stairs in a box
Jump on the bed until the slats break
Put gum in your hair
Light something on fire
For growth requires pain
Monday, November 15, 2010
What is inappropriate?
Had a debate this lovely evening with my teen on what is inappropriate. This debate was in regards to what we watch. Shows, movies and etc. What prompted the debate was that he asked if he could purchase a video game and that it was rated M but that was for violence. I have a no tolerance rule for M rated games in the house. But his argument was that he had already watched the anime show that the game was based on. So I guess the damage was already done in his mind.
I launched into super mom mode of I trust you to self monitor and not watch inappropriate things. To which he asked what is inappropriate exactly? Anything I deem so seemed reasonable to me but, not to the teen. And dang can that boy debate a point. Seriously I smell a lawyer in the house. The issue-a level of violence. To which the teen argued that he is a 16 year old male with lots of testosterone and watching the hero hack away at the villains is entertaining. He acknowledges that it is not my cup of tea but, does that make it inappropriate. He also pointed out that this was drawn animated violence. Much of it fantasy with ridiculous over sized swords. I'm still not buying it and tell him to drop it for tonight I'm done. Will discuss further in the morning.
And as I sit here blogging away and feeling panicked that I have failed as a parent in not monitoring more closely what he has watched. Perhaps trusting too much. Trying not to over manage his life and there for being neglectful. My argument to him was that he could be going down a slippery slope. He has allowed himself to watch this level of violence what is next? His side mom I know the difference between right and wrong I'm not going down a slippery slope it is just entertainment for me. I'm not convinced.
But I just remembered the other night NCIS came on. I asked if he wanted to watch it with me. He said are you crazy that show has way too much blood for me. I watched. I watched the graphic gore of NCIS and yet I am freaking about the fake drawn gore and violence of anime.
I'm going to bed and will think on this more tomorrow.
If you can't watch it with your mother you can't watch it. Is what I am feeling but, know is not realistic.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Let them pick their nose and play with tonka trucks
Let them play doctor and fireman and such
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Keep them in diapers and training wheels
Let them run naked and squeal
I launched into super mom mode of I trust you to self monitor and not watch inappropriate things. To which he asked what is inappropriate exactly? Anything I deem so seemed reasonable to me but, not to the teen. And dang can that boy debate a point. Seriously I smell a lawyer in the house. The issue-a level of violence. To which the teen argued that he is a 16 year old male with lots of testosterone and watching the hero hack away at the villains is entertaining. He acknowledges that it is not my cup of tea but, does that make it inappropriate. He also pointed out that this was drawn animated violence. Much of it fantasy with ridiculous over sized swords. I'm still not buying it and tell him to drop it for tonight I'm done. Will discuss further in the morning.
And as I sit here blogging away and feeling panicked that I have failed as a parent in not monitoring more closely what he has watched. Perhaps trusting too much. Trying not to over manage his life and there for being neglectful. My argument to him was that he could be going down a slippery slope. He has allowed himself to watch this level of violence what is next? His side mom I know the difference between right and wrong I'm not going down a slippery slope it is just entertainment for me. I'm not convinced.
But I just remembered the other night NCIS came on. I asked if he wanted to watch it with me. He said are you crazy that show has way too much blood for me. I watched. I watched the graphic gore of NCIS and yet I am freaking about the fake drawn gore and violence of anime.
I'm going to bed and will think on this more tomorrow.
If you can't watch it with your mother you can't watch it. Is what I am feeling but, know is not realistic.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Let them pick their nose and play with tonka trucks
Let them play doctor and fireman and such
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Keep them in diapers and training wheels
Let them run naked and squeal
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Letting go and holding on...
Last night my son had a friend over to spend the night. Well, the main objective was anime watching. They have both been watching the same anime series from Netflix and had now wanted to watch the two movies made based on the anime together.
So for dinner I order pizza. Pizza hut was having a "deal" 2 medium pizzas for $6 each. Seems reasonable. My son's friend wanted cheese only. My son, not surprising for anyone who knows him, wanted meat on his. The pizza arrives the boys race to the kitchen. Two starving 16 year old boys, lift the lids to their pizza with anticipation on their faces. Which was quickly replaced by dismay. That was by far, hands down the saddest pizza on the planet at that moment in time. They were the smallest medium pizza I have ever seen. When I ordered, they asked me if I wanted thin, hand toss or pan crust. I ordered hand tossed. I think if I had ordered thin, you would have been able to see through the pizza. They boys ate it but there was none left. I have seen cheap frozen pizza that looked better than this. Worse the pizza from Chuck E. Cheese is better than this. Pizza Hut you suck.
The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. I laid in bed watching TV. Putzing around on Face Book and listening to the boys from the other room. The sleep overs from the past had consisted of young boy's laughter. Much chatter. Frequent seeking me out for various questions and reassurance I suspect. They also included the knowledge that a call to a parent at midnight was probably on the horizon. I never minded. And was honored to be a part of the sleep over growing up experiences.
Last night however was completely different. Boy's laughter replaced by deep male mummers. No seeking me out for questions and reassurances. Oh they came a talk to me about this and that. Mainly out of good manners to at least acknowledge that I existed in the house.
I drifted off sleep knowing there would not be a midnight parental phone call to be made.
This morning I awoke to a peaceful quietness that surrounded the house. Let the dogs out to do their thing. And started cooking bacon. Coffee brewing. I sat down to toast bacon and artificial caramel laced coffee. Bathed in the happiness and rightness of it all. The only thing I lusted for was a newspaper. But, rather than be distracted by the emptiness of ink covered paper, I focused on the contentment of the moment. Then my toast need more butter.
I go to my silverware drawer to pull out a knife. I pause as I go to close the drawer. My gaze lands on my silverware divided. The plastic golden color of the 70s contraption that keeps the silverware from co-mingling with each other because that would be scandalous. And it hits me. I bought that divider when I got married. In 1989. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact it looks exactly like it did when I bought it. Which means that silverware holder divider contraption has held up better than I have.
It is startling to look at something that has been in your life for 21 years and used on a daily basis and yet not thought about in the least. It holds silverware what is there to think about. But it was bought, packed in moved twice. Anyone who has eaten at any of my homes in the last 21 years most likely pulled silverware from this contraption.
So I think maybe it's time to let go of this silverware holder but since there isn't anything wrong with it and it functions just as well today as it did 21 years ago, I'm holding on to it.
And this is why we hang onto stuff. Not for the thing itself because it is just a replaceable thing. But, it is the familiarity that it holds. The memories it sparks when we look at it.
I am once again getting geared up to embark on more unloading of stuff. It is a most painful endeavor and am trying to understand why. It is just stuff but, I guess not.
It is going but I am no longer going to expect that it should be painless.
There are things I want to get rid of and change in every single room of my house! I am suspecting this is the true reason why we move. And why I have toiled with the idea of moving the last couple of years. But, I love my house and I don't want to move. So I am going to start making plans. Serious plans of what I want to do with each room and then implement them one by one.
I need to replace the dread and feel overwhelmed with one that this is the perfect time in embark on such an endeavor as I am home.
Ikea here I come.
So for dinner I order pizza. Pizza hut was having a "deal" 2 medium pizzas for $6 each. Seems reasonable. My son's friend wanted cheese only. My son, not surprising for anyone who knows him, wanted meat on his. The pizza arrives the boys race to the kitchen. Two starving 16 year old boys, lift the lids to their pizza with anticipation on their faces. Which was quickly replaced by dismay. That was by far, hands down the saddest pizza on the planet at that moment in time. They were the smallest medium pizza I have ever seen. When I ordered, they asked me if I wanted thin, hand toss or pan crust. I ordered hand tossed. I think if I had ordered thin, you would have been able to see through the pizza. They boys ate it but there was none left. I have seen cheap frozen pizza that looked better than this. Worse the pizza from Chuck E. Cheese is better than this. Pizza Hut you suck.
The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. I laid in bed watching TV. Putzing around on Face Book and listening to the boys from the other room. The sleep overs from the past had consisted of young boy's laughter. Much chatter. Frequent seeking me out for various questions and reassurance I suspect. They also included the knowledge that a call to a parent at midnight was probably on the horizon. I never minded. And was honored to be a part of the sleep over growing up experiences.
Last night however was completely different. Boy's laughter replaced by deep male mummers. No seeking me out for questions and reassurances. Oh they came a talk to me about this and that. Mainly out of good manners to at least acknowledge that I existed in the house.
I drifted off sleep knowing there would not be a midnight parental phone call to be made.
This morning I awoke to a peaceful quietness that surrounded the house. Let the dogs out to do their thing. And started cooking bacon. Coffee brewing. I sat down to toast bacon and artificial caramel laced coffee. Bathed in the happiness and rightness of it all. The only thing I lusted for was a newspaper. But, rather than be distracted by the emptiness of ink covered paper, I focused on the contentment of the moment. Then my toast need more butter.
I go to my silverware drawer to pull out a knife. I pause as I go to close the drawer. My gaze lands on my silverware divided. The plastic golden color of the 70s contraption that keeps the silverware from co-mingling with each other because that would be scandalous. And it hits me. I bought that divider when I got married. In 1989. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact it looks exactly like it did when I bought it. Which means that silverware holder divider contraption has held up better than I have.
It is startling to look at something that has been in your life for 21 years and used on a daily basis and yet not thought about in the least. It holds silverware what is there to think about. But it was bought, packed in moved twice. Anyone who has eaten at any of my homes in the last 21 years most likely pulled silverware from this contraption.
So I think maybe it's time to let go of this silverware holder but since there isn't anything wrong with it and it functions just as well today as it did 21 years ago, I'm holding on to it.
And this is why we hang onto stuff. Not for the thing itself because it is just a replaceable thing. But, it is the familiarity that it holds. The memories it sparks when we look at it.
I am once again getting geared up to embark on more unloading of stuff. It is a most painful endeavor and am trying to understand why. It is just stuff but, I guess not.
It is going but I am no longer going to expect that it should be painless.
There are things I want to get rid of and change in every single room of my house! I am suspecting this is the true reason why we move. And why I have toiled with the idea of moving the last couple of years. But, I love my house and I don't want to move. So I am going to start making plans. Serious plans of what I want to do with each room and then implement them one by one.
I need to replace the dread and feel overwhelmed with one that this is the perfect time in embark on such an endeavor as I am home.
Ikea here I come.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Lessening
I think the pain is easing up. The shingles rash is healed over. And the pain is either easing up or I'm pathetically getting use to it. No it has decreased.
I've been boosting my immunity. To gain immunity has been a trial much like on the show survivor. Which I think I have watched once. For about 10 minutes. Anyway the regime has been whey protein in drink form 3 times a day. Brewers yeast drinking 3 times a day. This juice drink stuff my internist gave me once in the morning. Chomping down some lecithin twice a day. Once a day I'm taking a multi vitamin, along with vitamin A, B complex, C, D, E, magnesium and calcium, acidophilus and folic acid. And let's not forget the valtrex for the shingles that I'm still on twice a day.
I think I'm feeling better. Or this is how you feel just before you explode.
I've been boosting my immunity. To gain immunity has been a trial much like on the show survivor. Which I think I have watched once. For about 10 minutes. Anyway the regime has been whey protein in drink form 3 times a day. Brewers yeast drinking 3 times a day. This juice drink stuff my internist gave me once in the morning. Chomping down some lecithin twice a day. Once a day I'm taking a multi vitamin, along with vitamin A, B complex, C, D, E, magnesium and calcium, acidophilus and folic acid. And let's not forget the valtrex for the shingles that I'm still on twice a day.
I think I'm feeling better. Or this is how you feel just before you explode.
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Womb
My body screams
Screams put me into warm water
As I turn the faucet
I am filled with trepidation
Will this cause harm?
My body screams
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me
As I start to lower
I turn
Turn off the light
I lower
Into the water
In darkness
My body screams
Thank you
Pain is released
And I float
I float in the warmth
I float in the darkness
Where am I?
I sink lower
Submerge my ears
I hear
Hear my heart beat
The beat of my mother
I am in the womb
Water becomes amniotic fluid
Darkness of the womb
Sounds are muffled
Heart beat comforting
I am safe
I am developing
Water cools
My body whispers
Emerge
Emerge
Emerge
And Be
Screams put me into warm water
As I turn the faucet
I am filled with trepidation
Will this cause harm?
My body screams
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me
As I start to lower
I turn
Turn off the light
I lower
Into the water
In darkness
My body screams
Thank you
Pain is released
And I float
I float in the warmth
I float in the darkness
Where am I?
I sink lower
Submerge my ears
I hear
Hear my heart beat
The beat of my mother
I am in the womb
Water becomes amniotic fluid
Darkness of the womb
Sounds are muffled
Heart beat comforting
I am safe
I am developing
Water cools
My body whispers
Emerge
Emerge
Emerge
And Be
Friday, November 5, 2010
Doctor, Doctor
Doctor Doctor give me the news...
I think I have breast cancer.
No, a little lower, a little lower, here let me show you...
Saw my oncologist today and no he doesn't look like Elvis. We are going to do the lupron. He put in the order they will get approval from my insurance and then one of the nurses will be calling me to come in when it's ready and get my shot in the ass. Sounds like it will be sometime next week.
He is keeping me on the valtrex. Anti viral meds longer since I told him that I was getting relief from the pain when I take it. He wants me on it for another three weeks. Since I have no side effects from taking the valtrex and it helps I'm glad to have it actually.
Let's see. So I dropped my pants so he could see the shingles on my thigh. I mooned him so he could see the one spot I have on my butt. They are drying up. He said they looked good. The shingles I don't think he was commenting on my legs or my butt. And then I flashed him as he wanted to look at the girls. Said things looked good. Now you know why I had to post the video. No he didn't kiss my forehead. He did hug me.
So now for the really important news. My tumor markers are doing great. What? Tumor markers are levels of stuff (because I'm not really sure what they are) in your blood. They test these levels when you are diagnosed. And then they test them during treatment and track what they do. If they go sky high, it indicates the cancer is back.
Now why can't they use these markers for diagnosis? Because they are different for everyone. Example there are three markers that Dr. Barth is using to track me and one of them shows 0 and has shown 0 for the whole time. So it never did show anything abnormal. And in fact all the markers have been in so called "normal" levels from diagnosis until now. So they don't always show high. And they are different for each person. So the best they can do is track what your markers do and if they start climbing then we know something is going on.
So far everything is good.
So on valtrex for the shingles for another three weeks. Lupron sometime next week. The lupron will be a one month injection to see how I do. Then I will see Dr. Barth in 4 weeks to see how the shingles and lupron is going.
In the meant time I'm going to Vegas! in two weeks!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Doctor, Doctor and Doctor?
Saw my surgeon today. She said I looked great. I hate to think what bad looks like. I have a fried boob. It's not bad but, great is not a word I would use to describe it. She took some more nudie pictures once again assuring me that my face wouldn't be in them. I told her, you can take as many pictures of my face as you want. I'm fine with that really. She chuckled. But really the whole idea of there being pictures of just my boobs existing in the world, creepy. All I can envision is my surgeon having a portfolio of headless boob photos. She scheduled me for another mammogram April 5th 2011! It will be a year then since my last one which was at the time of my diagnosis. And she will see me that day as well.
I see Dr. Barth tomorrow. Oncologist. Will let him know of the scheduled mammogram and my decision on lupron. Will see what he has to say about the shingles and see what the man has to throw at me now.
I'm also going to go see my internist in the morning before Dr. Barth. I need to check in with her. I have started back on supplements. Vitamins. And she is really into that stuff so I want her input. Plus I want some more xanax. She would refill it but I feel better seeing her first.
So that makes three doctors in two days.
Whew and today we went to Disneyland this morning, left went to the surgeons and then after went back up to pick up Chris. Made seeing the surgeon more of a blimp in the day than the main event.
It was good.
I see Dr. Barth tomorrow. Oncologist. Will let him know of the scheduled mammogram and my decision on lupron. Will see what he has to say about the shingles and see what the man has to throw at me now.
I'm also going to go see my internist in the morning before Dr. Barth. I need to check in with her. I have started back on supplements. Vitamins. And she is really into that stuff so I want her input. Plus I want some more xanax. She would refill it but I feel better seeing her first.
So that makes three doctors in two days.
Whew and today we went to Disneyland this morning, left went to the surgeons and then after went back up to pick up Chris. Made seeing the surgeon more of a blimp in the day than the main event.
It was good.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Search for the Phoenix
Pain
Is a drain on my soul
I try to control
My body
Holy vessel for my soul
Now a battlefield
For which
Poison
Cutting
Burning
Has ravaged
And violated
Created pain
My body
Heals
My soul
Heals
And the healing
Creates pain of its own
So I search
I search for
The Phoenix
To rise from the ashes of pain
And be reborn
Is a drain on my soul
I try to control
My body
Holy vessel for my soul
Now a battlefield
For which
Poison
Cutting
Burning
Has ravaged
And violated
Created pain
My body
Heals
My soul
Heals
And the healing
Creates pain of its own
So I search
I search for
The Phoenix
To rise from the ashes of pain
And be reborn
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
What Surviving Looks Like
We are all dancing under the gallows in one respect or another. This is what surviving, thriving, living looks like.
I've got that damned key board. I need piano lessons.
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