Shingles trigger...

Tourette's syndrome. Here is an example:

Jesus, Joseph, Mary, Simeon and Garfunkel that hurts that like a cock sucking Sigfried and Roy mother fucking Theresa holy dick wad painful bastard of blisters!

Yeah I've developed Tourette's.

And I'm pretty darn twitchy too.

Halloween

Happy Halloween.

My dad has wanted to come over tonight and hand out candy. Not happening. I feel bad putting a lid on that but I just am in no place to handle that damned door bell being rung repeated tonight and setting the dogs off.

Nope. I am doing what I have done the last couple of years. Put the bucket of candy down at the end of the driveway. Place my 4 foot tall witch next to it holding a sign that says Happy Halloween. Don't come near the door.

I don't want to gip the neighborhood kids out of their candy, I just don't want to deal with the door, dogs and noise.

Boo!

I've got a new attitude

In the past whenever I would go to take any new medication of any kind be it prescription or over the counter, I would read. Read all the possible side effects. Read how the drug works. What it interacts with. Etc. You know, all those things you should do before taking a new drug.

Got home with my anti viral meds and just twisted off the top and popped them with water. Didn't even think about it. Seriously not even sure what the fuckers are called. Something with a V.

I guess after you have been poisoned and lived, you just don't worry about stuff so much.

I have to say it's kinda nice in a oh what the fuck way.

Yep Shingles.

I successfully self diagnosed. I have shingles. I have anti viral meds that are suppose to keep things from getting out of hand.

They will be checking up on me Tuesday when I go in for my herceptin infusion.

I think I will go find something mind numbing to watch.

Shingles?

Holy crap. I think I might have shingles. Wednesday I noticed that my right thigh was well, it's hard to describe. The skin was super sensitive to touch. Tingly. I guess. Since I have been having trouble with my legs with various types of pain since chemo I didn't think much about it. Then this morning I had two small rash spots. Well, it's windy and my allergies are going crazy and it's not unusual for me to be rashy this time of year. But, tonight not only is the tingle super sensitive skin on my right thigh but it is my right hip and right side only of my lower back. No rash there. And the rash is looking rather blistery. Shit. Looked up shingles. One body side tingling with blister rash is some of the symptoms.

Will call doctors in morning.

Oh Joys.

Sewing Pants

I have been remiss in my posting as of late for I have been immersed in making pants. It has been quite the journey. These pants I speak of our for my son. He is going to a Halloween dance Saturday and wanted to go as a character from an anime show.

So I sewed a pair of pants. He came out with said pants on and announced "what did you do?" I looked. Oh my. There is something just so wrong here. Took me a minute and then I realized that there is a reason that pants come with crotches. They don't work so well without then.

Round two. Made a diamond for a crotch. Hmmmm closer but still the kid is walking rather funny.

Round three. I cut the pants from a pair of jean shorts. Because my son owns no pants.
closer but still looks, well kinda waddy in the front. That's still wrong.

Round 4. I buy a pattern. Yes up until then I was winging it. I bought a pattern for pajama bottoms. I also at this point had run out of material. So I had to piece together stuff and well I made pants. Not too bad. But, I'm not happy either. So I go back to the fabric shop with the intent to buy more fabric and just start over. Sigh. They don't have anymore of the fabric.

So these would be the pants we are going with.

And now you know where I have been.

Woman Brain vs Man Brain

Women and men are just different. They think different. AND we could learn a few things from each other if tried to actually think like each other.

Lupron. Yes this is more on the lupron. Lupron was developed because of men. Men who had prostate cancer that were going to be treated hormonally for it were castrated. Yes that's right off with their.... And men. Being men. Said nope. Come up with something else. So here's lupron. Which by the way since it shuts down your gonades it makes everything stop working. And if you are a man who is being treated for advanced prostate cancer hormonally we are talking about being on lupron for life and there for Mr.Winky not working for life so why not just off with the boys and forego the drug. Because men grab themselves and say no way. NO WAY.

But, women. Women are just take them off, take them out. Take it, take it all. Why? Why don't we think more like men in this case. Why don't we say NO WAY? Myself, I decided to keep my girl AFTER I was told it would not help me medically to take it off. BUT not because I insisted. And even the lupron I'm thinking of taking ONLY until I'm up to surgery. Why? Why am I so willing to go have stuff waked out of my body?

I'm going to do lupron. And if I tolerate it, I'm doing lupron until I'm in menopause and foregoing surgery. Keeping surgery as a last ditch option.

Thinking like a man.

Forced Menopause

Man, I'm having all kinds of mixed feelings about forced menopause. Biggest one is that I don't want to do it. But, the reality is that menopause is something that happens to all women lucky enough to live long enough to go through it.

Now that it is a pending thing that is going to be hoisted upon me sooner than later I'm wondering about the lack of talk amongst women about it.

I'm in the dark. So I have visited some websites to find out what women are saying about menopause in regards to the natural type. AND it's not any different from the forced situation.

So I'm making peace with the fact that this is something we all have to go through as women.

Seems that when it is something we don't have much choice about, we tend to be silent and stoic about it. Why? Why is that?

Well you all know by now that's not by style. So I'll be bitching here no doubt and no one will be in the dark.

Random Profile Question of the Day

Good lord they have reach an all time bottom. It's not even a question!!

The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:

Once there was a frog that was bald
Just like all the other frogs in the pond
So he decided to be different and wear a wig
But it was itchy
So he wore a hat instead
The End.

The British are coming, the British are coming

The British are coming!!!!!

Now that I have purchase my tickets so I'm assured a seat I will share.

Jake Shimabukuro and The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain are coming to the Orange County Performing Art Center, March 24th, 2011.

Squeal. Squeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll! Back flip, Cart wheel.

I'm so excited it's stupid.

But I emailed the Ukulele Orchestra probably close to two years ago to see if they would ever come to the states to play. No plans at the time. And here they are. In my backyard!!!

This is a major fun marble in my jar! Karma Gods are being good to me!!!

Lupron

So I've been reading about the side effects of lupron and basically scaring the hell out of myself. Although the side effects are ALL menopausal side effects.

So I stopped to look at the side effects of my other option. Ovary removal. AND guess what? The side effects of having your ovaries removed (pre menopausal or peri menopausal) are the same as the luprin.

If you go through menopause naturally guess what? The side effects are the same as the luprin AND ovary removal.

And just what are the POSSIBLE side effects:

Hot flashes
Vaginal dryness
Decreased libido
Head aches
Muscle/Join pain
Mood swings
Weight gain
Bone loss
Water retention

Conclusion:

Menopause Sucks!

And there is no getting around it. Mine is just being forced.

Know a grouchy old woman? Now you know why she is grouchy.

Medical community tried to address these issues with hormone replacement therapy because really who should suffer from these things. But wait, oops hormone replacement therapy increases cancer incidences. No more replacing those hormones. Better to be grouchy than have cancer.

Not everyone has these side effect. Or maybe some but not all. And it is worse for some women than others. Looking towards my mom for possible clues, she had a full hysterectomy at age 35. She had mild hot flashes but nothing severe and that was about it.

Chemo put me into menopause. All I had were hot flashes that were brief. Nothing that horrendous. And now I'm recovering from that. Darn body couldn't you have just stayed in menopause? That was what we were hoping for.

I'm going to do the lupron and not worry about it.

And I will apologize now to everyone if in the future I'm grouchy. At least you will know why.

Decisions Decisions

Lupron vs ovary removal. Oh joys. We are finally at the point of what to do about the estrogen. Here's the deal. My cancer was estrogen receptor positive and not mildly which means it was getting signals from estrogen in my body to tell it to grow. In case there was any escapees we need to address the estrogen in my body.

So my estrogen level in my body current is at 47. Needs to be below 30 for me to be considered in menopause. Two ways to get it there. One remove the ovaries. Two Lupron which is a drug that shuts down the ovaries. I would get a shot in the butt once every three months. Side effects are menopausal ones. Hot flashes, hoo ha dryness and all that jazz. Remove the ovaries and well that puts you into instant menopause with the side effects being menopausal, hot flashes, hoo ha dryness and all that jazz.

Now estrogen is also made in other parts of the body so the goal here is to get the estrogen levels down to the menopause level so I can take an aromatase inhibitor. What's that? Well, here's the load down, starve the cancer of estrogen (menopausal levels is starving) and the fucker says fine I'll just make my own using nutrients from your body. So the aromatase inhibitors stop that function from happening.

Either choice Lupron shot or ovary removal. I have to take the aromatase inhibitor. It's a pill. For five years. Because the first five years are the high risk of recurrence years.

And the envelope goes to.....Lupron. For now. I am not in the mood for another surgery.

I have my next herceptin Nov. 2. Dr. Barth wants to test my estrogen levels again and see me that week. Well, we all know it's not going to be lower. I think he is just giving me time to make a decision.

My thought is I don't want another surgery right now. I just don't. I'm still healing. I can take the shot in the ass and see how I do. If I just don't like the side effects I can have the ovaries removed. If I'm OK with the Lupron I would be on it until my body was in menopause. Who knows how to figure that out. But, I have a feeling I will most likely have the ovaries removed, I'm just not up to it right now.

Bottom line is ALL women go through menopause one way or another. Mine is just being forced.

Fordcares.com

Ford cares. About selling cars.

OK so Ford is collecting donations to help with breast cancer research with the donations they collect going to the Susan Komen foundation.

The other night I had the TV on and they had tons of ads on. Go to Fordcares.com. Donate. So I went and bought a warrior t-shirt. I felt I was deserving of a warrior t-shirt and the majority of what I spent was going to the foundation. THEN then after I made my purchase the Ford website asked me to take a survey. How do you feel about Ford? Would you buy a Ford? OK people. Shoot yourself in the foot. We care about breast cancer so now how do you feel about us? We are good? Right because we are supporting a good cause that makes us good and next time you are in the market to buy a car you're going to make it a Ford. Right?

Right now I think Ford sucks in a hypocritical way. Yes I'm glad they are raising a butt load of money. I think the total was over one million dollars. But, the motive. The motive is questionable. Seriously.

I got the last laugh on the bastards. I rated them a 10 on everything. That way they will think this campaign is changing peoples opinion of Ford. They will continue to do charity drives like this one. AND I'll never buy a Ford.

I should add that the bastards had to bribe me to take the survey. I never would have taken it but, if you did they gave you a free silk scarf. I like free so I took the survey and then became an outraged, warrior t-shirt owning, free silk scarf recipient that will never buy a Ford.

Random Profile Question of the Day

Question:

If you drive on a parkway why don't they make the whole plane out of that?

Answer:

WTF? Because it wouldn't fly?

So far I think this is the worse question. BUT, wait tomorrow is another day!

When did you chose?

Put this way clears things up I think. Born. Repressed because of society. Come out. Precieved as a choice.

Random Profile Question of the Day

Question:

Sponges and tongues are frequently misspelled. Is it because both are thirsty?

Answer:

Yes

Infusion Day

Today Chris sat with me during my infusion. The kid amazes me. He wanted to sit with me and he watched. He watched the nurse draw blood and set up the IV. Which is done in one shot but, he watches. Hell I don't watch. And he asks questions. Today he asked the nurse just how much blood was she taking out!

There were no cubbies available so we were on chemo row today. Chris likes this as he gets to sit in a chemo chair next to me. Nice big leather reclining chair. In the cubbies I get one of these but the visitor gets a regular uncomfortable chair.

We were situated in front of the scales. So this is what we observed today. Men. Men get on the scales and they are accepting of their weight. Women. Women get on the scales and it doesn't matter what it says they are unhappy. This one woman came in she said I don't want to know my weight so don't tell me. She actually got on the scales backwards! My son leans over and asks me why didn't she just close her eyes. I don't know i guess she didn't want to be tempted to peek. Women need a scales that doesn't state what her weight is but tells her she looks good.

There was a woman in there with her mother. She was getting hydration but she stopped that before it was over and said she was done. They were trying to get her scheduled for a spinal tap and an MRI and she was having no part of it. She wanted to go home. Her doctor came out and said he wanted these things done today. It was a no go. She ended up agreeing with doing them Thursday and Friday. What can I say this all took place right in front of us. I felt for her and although she needed these test I was glad to see someone stand their ground and just say I'm not up to doing all that today.

Now to track side effects. So far nothing. Just sleepy this afternoon which is what I experience the last two times. I'm hoping for a let up with the hay fever symptoms.

Tomorrow is Herceptin Day

Another infusion day is upon me. Chris wants to sit with me tomorrow and read. Hydrating in preparation.

At radiation today, Dr. Cox drew on me. I'll be getting 8 boosters starting Friday. Which means that my entire breast won't be radiated just a portion of it. About 1/3 I would say and it is around the tumor site. So he drew a big oval circle around it. With a sharpie. Then the technician drew over that with a shocking blue marker. AND the bottom half of the whole thing came off today and is inside my bra. They had placed these small clear round stickers along the line but didn't put any on the bottom part. It'll be interesting tomorrow morning.

It's funny how little mishaps things like this would freak me out at the start of this whole thing and now...well now, I'm feeling, like oh well they'll figure it out.

That ink is never coming out of that bra.

Random Profile Question #6

Question:

You have to dig a hole to China. Where do you start?

Answer:

In the back yard I guess. I would have to look at a globe to really figure out what is on the opposite side of China. Besides being an impossible task I don't think putting a hole through Mother Earth is a good idea.

Identity Crisis

I have hair now. But, it is uber short. I still wear my hats when I'm going to be outside to protect myself from the sun. But if I'm indoors, I'm generally hatless. So, I have been in malls or grocery stores, you know those places us humans frequent and I have caught people staring at me. I'm cool with staring. But, I can see mass confusion as they try to figure out by my appearance who I am. I look too healthy to be someone who is sick. Although I think this is their first thought but, they are unsure. I don't have the tattoos or multiple piercings and I can see they wonder if I'm gay but I'm carry a purse and not wearing a fanny pack. So the staring people are just confused. And I am amused. Amused that they are having a difficult time putting a label on who I am other than a woman with uber short salt and pepper hair.

I hope someday everyone who stares has a confused look on their face and is unable to label anyone.

Random Profile Question #5

What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?

Something brown. Duh.

Random Profile Question of the Day #5

I missed yesterday. We went to Dland. Was a nice day.

Here's the question:

How tall would you be if you had never cut your fingernails?

Answer:

Is that how we are suppose to measure our height? Are we to include to the tips of our finger nails to the tips of our toes? If so I'm a lot taller and therefore my BMI is already way below what Dr. Barth wants it and I can stop dieting now.

I have no idea how long my finger nails would be if I never cut them. But, this woman holds the world record and all I can think is how the hell does she wipe her ass?

Blister

I am now realizing that the blister is healed pretty good. It is scabbed over and not hurting very much. What is hurting is I'm trying to get another one. Yea I'm an over achiever. This new blister is next to the other one. It hasn't done anything yet as far as form anything that looks like a blister. The area is a little redder and it hurts. But, the area that is red is smaller than the old blister area.

I am now putting honey on that as well.

12 more to go.

Over 50 profile views

I don't even think I had anything in my profile. Then I looked and found out that I had over 50 views. That's 50 views of nothingness. So that is what prompted the rambling profile.

Looking at the Map

So where am I? I have 5 rads to the entire breast left and then 8 boosters to the tumor area that will involve about 1/3 of the breast instead of the whole thing. So 5 plus 8 makes 13. After tomorrow done to 12. Getting there.

Tuesday I go for my next herceptin. So what have I learned? Benadryl no dye I tolerate and keeps the hay fever symptoms at bay so I can function. Also they last a few days and then I'm fine.

Energy is low on some days but, I'm contributing that to radiation more than the herceptin.

Time will tell for sure about that.

Sticking to the diet. Crazy sugar cravings have diminished. And my pants are loser so I know I have dropped a little weight. Hopefully just enough to make Dr. Barth happy but truth is I'm afraid to seriously drop weight right now because of the radiation. They have me precisely measured up. I'm talking millimeters here. I don't want to mess that up. So, I have dropped a bit but, I holding off on getting to serious about it until after the 26th. Plus my body is healing right now and I don't want to be starving it. Which lets face it is what happens when you are dieting. He didn't want me losing more than 2 pounds a month anyway. He said more than that would scare him. I'm down two right now so I'm holding that until after the 26th before I start to lose more.

Blister. Blister is holding its own. Hurts. Mother hurts but it has formed a scab and is flat. I think it hurts because it would be like having a burn on your finger that keeps trying to heal but everyday you keep burning it again. Yes I would say that pretty much sums it up. At least it is not worse!

Look on the bright side of life!

Random Profile Question of the Day #4

Question:

Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?

Answer:

OK this is what I think. Or more accurately when I read this randomly selected question, what I immediately envisioned. A room. A room with a few employees of Blogger who have been assigned to come up with random profile questions. And they get bored. One leaves the room and goes out to their car. They return with a bong and big bag of pot. They get stoned and come up with "I got it, I got it" "you caught it? caught what?" "a fish, a fish I caught a fish." "what kind of fish?" "you know one of those bike riding fishes" "oh totally narly dude"

Yea those fish I've seen at the aquarium with legs. They would definitely like a bike. Maybe Santa will bring one to them for Christmas. But, then it would rust being in the water and all.....

Thank God It's Not Me

I'll be talking to someone and they will ask me a question about the cancer. During my answering a look will pass across their face. That look is "thank God it's not me". It's a brief flash that is quickly replaced by guilt. Guilt for feeling this way and guilt for it not being them. Guilt for feeling relieved that it's not them. This too is quickly replaced, by compassion. Now, I'm not in anyway saying the compassion is not genuine. It is. BUT, thank God it's not you. I thank God it's not you.

The treatment for this disease is life disrupting at its best. And it brings forth the little nagging life uncertainties that we carry in the back of our brains, front and center and throws a big spot light on it.

I will share something that I have learned that I think is of value for everyone living on this planet with all its uncertainties. I visit fear because it's unreasonable to pretend it doesn't exist BUT I don't live there.

Random Profile Question of the Day #3

I am failing miserably at doing this daily. Missed yesterday.

Question:
All of the phone numbers have fallen out of your address book. Whose number do you look for first and why?

Answer:

What? How can the numbers fall out of your address book? AND if they all did fall out, well, you wouldn't be looking for anyone's phone number because it would be futile. You wouldn't be able to look for anyone's phone number because they all fell out!

They might as well have asked if you lost your phone book whose number do you look up first and why. But, look where? you lost your phone book.

If you lose your phone book, you're fucked. If all the numbers fall out of it, you're stoned.

Be aware

October is breast cancer awareness month. Now you are aware. If you see an increase of pink in your life during this month, now you know the source.

It's cold and wet....

I'm not going to park and you can't make me. I feel bad for Chris except he looked outside and said yea OK let's not go. And here I'm up to it physically. But, not enough to brave the wet and cold.

Most of it has to do with being uncomfortable. I have spent a great deal of the last six months being physically and mentally uncomfortable. Not willing to do it when I have a choice at this point.

I'm going to enjoy the weather from inside today!

Random Profile Question of the Day. #2

The squish of mud between your toes; how would you live your life as a frog?

Trying not to get eaten.

Random Question of the Day

I just went and updated my profile. It gives you the option of getting a random question. I though what the heck. Here it is:

This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?

This is my answer:

A semi-fuck. It's not a punctuation that is for damned sure. Stupid question what does that even mean?

Oh this is just too good. I can go to my profile and get a new question.

Soooooo look for the daily profile question to be posted and answered daily by me!

Until I get bored and move on to something else. But it might be interesting.

I'm a Farrell's Survivor!

Spent the afternoon celebrating my cousin's daughter's 13th birthday. What is my cousin's daughter in relationship to me anyway? Is that a second cousin? Anyone? Anyone?

I thought all Farrell's had shut down as a display of mercy on the human race but, alas it seems two have been resurrected. One in Mission Viejo and one in Santa Clarita.

It was torturous fun. She ordered the Volcano. 30 scoops of vanilla ice cream, a crazy amount of hot fudge, whip cream, etc. Lit on fire no less.

A fun time was had by all. And yes I'll confess I would go again!