Boat Boy Bryan with a Y

Neighbors. Just say the word and it conjures up a morass of emotions ranging from it's a wonderful day in the neighborhood to I'm going to Wal-Mart to load up on firearms.

The neighbor in question is the one behind and to the left of me. I've never met this neighbor. Never spoken to him. Meaning he has never pissed me off. And up until yesterday I didn't even know his name.

Boat Boy Bryan with a Y had a boat. He got rid of it sometime when I was staying with my parents. The boat of much amusement is gone. And I'm a bit sadden by this.

I know less than nothing about boats for I don't even have the slightest desire to learn anything about them but, Boat Boy Bryan with a Y's boat was broken. It would take him three days to start that thing up. He would do this about once a year. Three days of banging, cursing, failed engine starting attempts. Now I just admitted that I know nothing about boats but, it shouldn't take three days to get one to start. Finally at the end of day three it would roar to life and belch out the biggest, blackest, smelliest, cloud of smoke that was so dense it would just hang there in the yard hovering over Boat Boy Bryan with a Y and his broken boat. He would then put the pedal to the metal, wait that's cars, the throttle to the dash board? Whatever you do to boats to make them run at full speed. After about five minutes he would turn the boat off and that would be the end of the boat show for another year.

Boat Boy Bryan with a Y did take the boat out. Once. Yep in about the four years he had the boat he took it out once. Truly wish he had done this more because that was an entertaining afternoon. He went to park the boat back into the side of his house with his buddy helping. Turn to your right, your right, your other right, STOP. Almost took out the side of the house. I poured myself a frosty drink and got into the jaccuzzi and sat back for an hour of hysterical entertainment.

The boat is gone now and so I should drop the Boat Boy and now it's Bryan with a Y. And how did I come by this information? Yesterday Bryan with a Y taped an invitation, oh excuse me my FORMAL invitation to his New Years Eve party to my mail box. With his advanced apology. I now have Byran's name AND phone number. And an invite to his party. Hmmm. Now we all know he doesn't want me coming to his party. He plans on being loud and obnoxious tonight and is hoping I won't call the cops. Rather than an fake invitation, I wish Bryan had just said that. And rather than an advanced apology I would rather have him promise this won't be a regular thing. So it makes me want to go formally crash his party. Early enough so that people are not so drunk as to not notice or care that the party got crashed.

On the invitation it says there are going to be drinks, dancing and a DJ. This tells me several things about Bryan with a Y. He must be single. Okay the boat tipped me off to that but this confirms it because there is no mention of food on the invitation. Also I'm heavily suspecting that this party is a ruse by Bryan with a Y to ensure that he at least has a shot at getting laid on New Years Eve.

It all makes me want to crash the party. In my pajamas. Toting my ukulele. Making it a memorable New Year's Eve party.

So here's to No Longer Boat Boy Bryan with a Y and just Bryan with a Y neighbor. May your party be loud and obnoxious and lack any cop involvement.

Tonight I will tolerate your ass but don't make it a habit.

I have your phone number.

Happy New Year.

March 24th

They are both coming! March 24th to the Orange County Performing Arts Center and yes you bet I've got tickets in my hot little hand!!

Sqeeeeeeeeeeee!

The Real Meaning of Gift Cards

I know people have various feelings about gift cards. Some are thrilled with them. Me being one. Others find them impersonal and I get that too.

But, the true meaning of gift cards is to avoid "present face".

Take a Break

Because it's time to take a break.
A break from anything serious.
Here is a bit of fluffy entertainment I ran across.
Enjoy



Now I want fried chicken.

The Perfect Dog

While out Christmas shopping, I came across the perfect dog.

It's shitless.

I pulled my pants down...

way to far it seems. Dang my bum hurts! Last month the nurse gave me the injection of Lupron rather high on my bum. It was sore that night and some the next day. This time I pulled my pants down too far it seems as this nurse decided to inject me in the more meatier part of my bum. Like the middle. And it was sore last night and today. Like last time only that meatier middle part of my bum, I sit on! So it really smarts.

I will now be giving directions.

AND not pulling my pants down so far.

Stop....

Stop giving fiber arts a bad name! I'm a knitter and recently have added crocheting to my list of skills. It is stuff like this that while it makes me laugh it also makes me mad. Mad because this is what gives knitting and crocheting a bad name. A "you do what?" response from the general public that well, aren't my people to start with so I don't care. But, I do. I do because I think more people, especially young people would part take in this craft if it wasn't for crap like this.

Really? We want to take a picture of this blanket with the instructions on how to make it for Lion Brand Yarn. What can we do? I got an idea let's hang the blanket on the wall and then we can have a woman in a unitard do an outrageous yoga pose in front of it. Yeah, great idea, I can see it now, back slapping all around.

Because to enjoy this blanket you must hang it on the wall, don a unitard and do a yoga pose in front of it.

Venturing

I'll be venturing out into the elements today to brave the elements of Hoag's Day hospital. Yes this will be shot number two of Lupron. So I'll get to drop my britches for the needle wielding bitches that will stab me in the ass. It is really not bad.

Then I'll also see Dr. Cox while there. He is my radialogist oncologist. Say that fast three times. This is just a follow up appointment but, I'm hoping we part ways after this. Not that I didn't like him, but he is not the man with the answers or taking care of me long term, that would be my medical oncologist Dr. Barth. So I just don't have time to dance with Dr. Cox.

It's been nice, bye bye is what I'm hoping for.

On the Lupron front, have been experiencing a few hot flashes but, they are brief and not very intense.

My Tribute to the Holidays

Sing to "I'd like to buy the world a coke" melody:


I'd Like to Give the World a Xanax
I'd like to give Xanax a home and furnish it with love,
Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves.
I'd like for everyone to float and sing in perfect harmony,
I'd like to Give the world a Xanax and keep it company.

It's the real thing, Xanax is what the world needs today.

Yes I know as wrong as it is, I'm a HUGE fan of Xanax. Xanax has saved my sanity through this ordeal. And yes, just like anything, it is bad if it is abused. I haven't taken any in a number of weeks now. But, it is comfort in a bottle just knowing I have it at hand.

I Surrender

I have officially surrendered and am waving a white flag high in the air!

I have this need at Christmas time to declare I'm officially done. To quit. To stop the madness. And just accept that if I forgot, I forgot and I'll have to just let go.

If I forgot, I forgot.

If I just didn't get to it, it just didn't get done.
If I just didn't feel like it, I didn't feel like it.
If that makes me an asshole, then I'm an asshole.

If I let go, I will fall.
If I fall, I will land.
If you love me, you will still love me.

And if I hold your hand, will you not be holding mine?
And if I walk by your side, will you not be walking by me?
And if I lift you up, do you not lift me too?

If I love you, then you are loved.

Lupron update

I noticed I have been remiss in my Lupron side effects update. Mainly because there really hasn't been anything to report. I will be having my second injection on Tuesday the 21st. There have been a couple of times where I thought hmmm a little warm in here and then it goes away. Hot flash I suppose but, not intense.

Thankful. Grateful.

Cold?

Here is one way to keep your nose warm!

It will make you laugh

I have to give credit where it is due. I stole this again from a Face Book posting.

Guaranteed to make you laugh.

Antibiotics in hand

But, not in body. I'm holding off. The sinus infection is going in the right direction. I really do feel it is getting better. I have the antibiotics in hand now and at the first sign of it getting worse I'll pop them. But, for now, I'm holding off.

I'm feel like I'm in a bit of a catch 22 with them. Because yes, I probably need them but, they are not going to only kill off the bad stuff but, they will kill off good stuff too and I don't have much of that.

Plus I just hate taking antibiotics. I hate the way they make me feel and I don't need to add to the crappy pile right now. So I'm doing my GSE, oil of oregano and vitamin C. and nettie pot. AND staying down.

I'm giving my body a chance.

My Son Freaks me OUT

Yes, Yes he does. Because just now I said to him "I'm not sure why the vein wouldn't give today I guess it had just had enough". And he says "well, the first poke, there was some blood but, it wasn't right, the second poke she got blood but, it was bright red and thin and watery not thick like it is suppose to be so I knew that wasn't right either. Now the third I could tell right away that one was okay."

I just looked at him with my mouth hanging open. "You watched?" "Oh yeah, all three pokes. I always watch." He says. Okay I know he watches. He has said I watch. But, I thought he just watched the blood draw. I didn't realize he watches the whole thing.

Good God. Is this okay? My son is watching me get poked repeatedly. I guess if he wasn't okay, he wouldn't watch and he wouldn't come in with me.

Well, all I can say is he doesn't get this from me. Because I don't watch!

What failure and success look like

Puncture to the right is failure number one. Puncture to the left (higher up on the forearm)is failure number two. And no normal punctures are not that large. I was numb, couldn't feel anything so, she was trying to save it.



This was the successful attempt. But, this is why I hate having it done in this location. The after isn't so pretty. I guess it doesn't look that bad. It didn't hurt. Barely felt anything. But, I had to have my arm straight resting on a pillow for an hour and a half.

I have to have a another lupron shot in my ass next week. Cake walk.

Old Faithful Failed

It was a tough morning and while the three pokes were not fun, what was truly tough were the emotions.

I knew it was going to happen eventually. My old faithful vein. The only vein I have let anyone poke through this whole thing. The one in my left arm wrist area. Oh it is bruised and battered but, up until today it had panned out. But, today, today it just laid down and said no more. I was hydrated. I had exercised the heck out of it. But, nope. The nurse I had today, she has cannulated me before. Several times. She has been doing this for seventeen years and started out in pediatrics. She got the needle in the vein that wasn't the problem. It collapsed. I'm numbed up with the emula so I'm okay. She tries for a spot higher up. Its in, it gives her some blood and then quits. She pulls it out. She says to me I'm going to have to find a new place. She is apologizing all over the place. I keep telling her it is not her fault. Because it wasn't. She got it in. That's all she can do. Then she looks me in the eye and says if you want someone else, if you want to tell me no I don't want you to poke me again get someone else, I'm okay with that, you can tell me that.

And she is flushed and shook up. This would have failed today no matter who had attempted it. I suspect it is because of the shingles and being sick this past week my body wasn't able to heal itself. But, now I'm looking at this shook up, hurting nurse. How, just how am I to tell her I want someone else? And I really didn't want someone else, that wasn't going to help anyway. She has to do this again after me, I don't know how many more times today. And tomorrow. And the day after that.

I take both her hands in mine and look her back in the eye and I say "I don't know how you do this". She looks at me and says "I don't know how you come here every three weeks and do this". I say "This disease is hard on everyone. Not just the patient. I come here every three weeks, but in between I don't think about it. You live this every day. You come in here everyday and thread needles into people. All day long. I couldn't do that but, I NEED someone that can do that". She says "There have been times where I thought I don't want to do this anymore, but, someone does have to do this and there are people who just can't and someday it could be me. It could be me that needs someone to do this for me. So I come and I do this."

And now I'm a blubbering mess but, my tears are not for me alone, but for her as well. And she looks rather shocked at the realization. I say "We are stuck. I can't leave. You can't leave. We both have to do this. So look for vein that you feel good about. And it will work."

And so she does. She finds one in the bend of the elbow on my left arm and she feels good about it. I can tell. And it works. Hardly felt anything. And that's the bugger with using that spot. Easy in. Easy out. But, damn the thing is sore after for a couple of days. And it hurts right now. The wrist doesn't do that. More painful to get in so that's why I use the emula to numb it but, it doesn't hurt after. But, here I am.

The nurse felt that we could try again in the wrist next time as it would be six weeks then. It got poked twice today but, not used. Nothing flowing through it. I will numb both areas next time and now have a back up spot.

I knew it would probably give out. That vein has been cannulated I believe twenty times in the last nine months and I'm sure I'm forgetting some along the way.

I might end up with a port after all. But, I'm fighting it right now. She had no trouble getting it in a new spot so, we will see.

Two hours later we are done. And now standing, I hug my nurse and ask her if she is okay. She says "You are an amazing person. Yes, I'm okay"

Yes I'm the patient. Yes it is all about me. But, I'm home now. In comfy pajamas about to watch more mind numbing Battlestar Gallactica (the new one). And my nurse is still in chemo row. Poking people. Trying to get needles into people's veins. Purposely inflicting discomfort in the effort to heal. I have no doubt that she has had people think it is her fault when it hasn't gone well and has had patients make her feel incompetent. I know she felt incompetent today. And I tried to take that away. Because someone has to do this, and it isn't me.

Tears form because
Because I need her to get up every day and cannulate.
Because I need her to keep on poking when it doesn't work.
Because I can't have "my" nurse give up.
Because.....I need her.
Tears fall because

Lingering Head Cold

Blast it. I'm still not over this thing. It is better. No sore throat. Some coughing but not as much. Less congestion. But oh the left sinus. It hurts. Doing GSE and lots of vitamin C. Nettie pot keeping things cleared out. Strange thing is that it is more of just pressure during the day but, around 6pm last night and tonight it turns to pain. Advil helped some. Last night was so bad I took 3 Advil, ice packed it and then took 2 xanax and just knocked my ass out. Whew wee I was still loopy this morning but, not in pain and I slept so really I didn't care.

The Advil has taken the edge off some tonight but, I think I'm heading towards the ice pack and the xanax again. Not waiting until midnight like I did last night. Nope, starting the ice now and at 10pm xanax and nighty night.

I go for Herceptin on Tuesday so, they will check my butt out then.

Wonderous

I stole this. I found it wonderous. Says a lot about us humans. We don't allow ourselves to be amazed.

Severed Relationships

This is my official notice of my permanent break up with the OC Register.

I miss my Sunday paper I really do. Sitting with something hot to drink, perusing through the mindless ads. Every once in while getting totally outraged over something I read. I miss it. The Sunday paper fed my soul in some low level meaningless way.

But, I broke it off with the OC Register after a failed attempt at having just the paper delivered on Sundays. Apparently the Register wanted more from me than I could emotionally give. The Register wanted and needed a bigger commitment from me and I was just sadly unable to comply and fulfill it's needs.

It started off fine. This seemingly harmonious relationship of ink paper media and reader. A paper to be delivered every Sunday for a price of $8 for 8 weeks. I'd awake on Sunday morning and put on a pot of coffee. Walk out to my driveway and pick up the rolled paper neatly wrapped in plastic. Settle in for a nice self indulging read. Oh those where the sweet days. Those first 8 weeks of a blossoming indulgence. But, oh sigh, then I got a paper on a Friday and Saturday too. I just didn't want to see that much of the OC Register. I didn't have any extra time to spend with it. And so I called to discuss this uncomfortable situation. I was told it was the same price. But, I don't want it I explained to no avail. The paper kept coming and I kept throwing the unwanted attention into the trash. Then the bill came. WHAT? Oh no. The same price was a farce. Now the Register was trying to get $26 from me. So I called. After much debate and discussion and denials from the Register, I gave up and just broke it off completely. Just cancel the paper completely!

And the following Friday there it was sitting on my driveway again. I called and was told it is now canceled only to get the paper again.

Finally, I got a hold of a supervisor and said I just don't want the paper. Again the hard sale to try and keep me. I said to the woman "look I know breaking up is hard to do but, my divorce wasn't this difficult". She finally relented. And I haven't gotten a paper since.

That was almost one year ago.

But.....since then, the Register calls me about 5 times a day. Like a stalking jilted lover wanting to get back together. I have answered and said "I don't want the paper!" and hang up quickly. No success, the calls keep coming.

I do miss my Sunday paper but, the price is just too high.

Life's Challenges

One of the biggest challenges you are going to have to face in your life is how to fold a fitted sheet.

Okay I'll just let you sit with that one until you stop laughing hysterically. IF ONLY LADY!

Now for the really pathetic part? It appealed to me. Yes the ability to fold fitted sheets into a nice square. The anal retentive side of me that just re-organized the linen closet recently. So recently that when I open the closet I gasp. What happened! Oh yeah I cleaned it out. I want square folded fitted sheets in my linen closet.

So I embarked on learning this technique. AND FAILED. This bitch is doing slight of hand tricks that she is not sharing. Like those people who give you a recipes and then tell you they can't tell you the "secrete" ingredient so it won't be quite as good as theirs. Those bastards whose goal it is to make others feel inferior. I salute you with both my middle fingers.

So I went and found the following:



This one I can do. And now I can have square folded fitted sheets in my re-organized linen closet without the frustration.

Monkey Brain

Well, if you are up to the challenge of reading today's post then hang on because I have a bad case of monkey brain. You know, where your brain is bouncing all over the place and having a hard time staying on topic. Anyway I'm blaming this condition on the stupid head cold I have. Thus the lack of posting for the last few days. The head cold has now gone into the coughing up lungs stage. My brain finally turned on and I pulled out my GSE. Had the brilliant idea of mixing it with the airborne I was about to chug. Good Lord what was I thinking? GSE on its own is like drinking your own vomit (opposed to drinking someone else's which tastes completely different)mixed with airborne and it was foaming vomit. Yeah. I lived. Barely.

On the cancer front, I have an appointment with Dr. Barth for the 17th of Jan. He didn't want to see me for 6 weeks unless I was lighting stuff on fire from the Lupron. Which is doing nothing but, it gave me a period. Oh joys. Yeah, well, it does this initial "flare" which all I can think is lupron chemical with buttons all over it. Your estrogen levels spike and then crash and then stay down. So the colorful button "flare" of the lupron caused this period. I'm guessing. I did have one in October due to me falling out of menopause. But, I think it has been over 40 days. You know at this point, whatever. I looked up the hormone and menses cycle, and it didn't make any sense to me. A graph with colored lines going all over the place. To me it looked more like my brain activity than my body cycle. Anyway, I'm still waiting for hot flashes or something and so far. Nothing. And I'm thankful. Just thankful for that.

I have my next herceptin next Tuesday the 14th. It will be number 6 out of 18. I will actually be one third of the way through. Right? Someone check my math. Seems right. I have to do this for a year and will be finished in August 2011. December is my fourth month so yes a third of the way through. Time flys when you are having fun and even when you are not.

The holidays are upon us in full force. For me the biggest evidence of this is the mail. Huge piles of colorful ads in the mail. It's crazy. My mailman didn't make it to the house last night until after 5pm. He was wearing a light headband so he could see as it was dark. I still have a bit of shopping left that I WANT to do. And some Christmas cards I WANT to get out. I have decided to boycott the "HAVE TO" phrase. My HAVE TO plate is full. So I have started to replace "have to" with "want to" and it does make a difference. Seems to lower the irritation levels quite a bit. I want to get the laundry done just doesn't seem to raise those dread levels nearly as much.

Today is going to be a pajama day recovering from this stupid cold. I want to get the laundry finished and I want to get one Christmas card mailed. I also plan on watching some anime with Chris and watching some Battlestar Galactica (new version non kid friendly) on Netflix instant.

And battle monkey brain. Stay on target, stay on target!

Ease of use creates....

....a mother fucker load of work, I tell you.

About five years ago in a fit of re-decorating my (back then our) bedroom, I choose two mount on the wall light fixtures. I was so clever. Two to be mounted above both sides of the bed. We could read in bed. AND I chose light fixtures with those easy to use touch features. Wow. No more having the strenuous task of having to turn a light switch. Oh no. Just reach up and touch. Touch again and brighter. Touch again and brighter still. Yes a three way dimmer touch light.

Now five years later the touch light switch sensors have burned out. No more touchy light. Now I blogged about this whole tale quite some time ago. But, I was using the other light and now it is poof too. So now at night after 5pm when it gets dark, I'm sitting in the dark. Guess I actually have to DO something. So off to Lowes I go. And guess what? Yes they have replacement sensors. I buy one and today I decided to tackle this chore.

I take apart the light to see if the sensor looks like it will work. I have no idea really but the current sensor has four wires and the replacement has four wires so something has to work.

Hold everything. Unplug the light. Yes, I'm not that clueless. I would be really pissed to have gone through everything I have this year just to end up frying my ass over a stupid touch light.

How hard can it be to unplug a light? You wouldn't believe it. I'll tell you and you still won't believe it.

I have a platform bed. Someone tell me these things are now against the law. I bought said bed in 1989 because my ex wanted a water bed. And we were newly married. And in luvvv. And well a water bed sounds really appealing to young newly married people. The water bed did spring a leak way before the marriage did and the water bed went bye bye. But, not the platform bed. No I missed my chance on that one. We got a pillow top mattress that weighs five tons and put that on the platform bed. And I still have it. The bed and mattress. The whole thing.

So what's the problem? The problem is I have a wall of bed. A SOLID wall of bed and no access to the wall. At all. The wall that hold the outlet to which the lights are plugged into. And I know I've gone through this routine but, it has been a while. I took out one of the drawers in the platform bed sure that I could reach through that way. No. It is solid in there. I think I have to pull five ton mattress off bed and lift off the ply wood slats and then maybe MAYBE I can reach the wall. But, I have a sinking feeling that the bed has to be taken apart to reach the wall.

We really didn't do this did we? Surely I made him use an extension cord to the wall so that the cord could be pulled out though some small gaps at the sides and unplug the lights? No. No I didn't. I must not have been supervising that day.

My other alternative is to go throw the breakers on the house and replace the sensor that way. But, that always makes me nervous. I like to SEE that the fixture is no longer plugged in.

It would be the easier way but, ease of use causes......

I'm done thinking about this today and will try tackling it this weekend.

Go to the 5 minute mark

I'm in the process of weaning myself off the xanax. I was perusing around on youtube for various mediatation sound therapy type stuff when I stumbled across this.

Why do people have to go too far with a good thing? I was really into this. Enjoying the heck out of all the different sound. Really relaxed. And then...at the 5 minute mark it all goes to hell. Literally. Guys becomes possessed. Now I'm laughing and not relaxed anymore.

Dr. Barth

Visit with Dr. Barth went well today. Nothing new really. All my blood work looks good. My tumor markers are all good (blood markers that they measure to see if the cancer is coming back). No side effects from Lupron, yet. Shingles are gone and no residual pain. He was happy about that. He seems to have settled down about the Lupron and didn't talk about surgery today.

Looks like I won't have to have a MUGA in December. New guidelines came out in July that they only need to be done every 6 months. He is going to check with my insurance. But, that would put it off until March. And since my MUGA in September looked great with my heart function being on the high end of normal, there really isn't any reason to have one before then. I'll be cheesed if my insurance insists on one.

He wants to see me in 6 weeks unless I'm having problems with the Lupron. I told him if I started setting things on fire, I would be in to see him sooner.

Lupron.

Lupron? What lupron? Still nothing. And I'm enjoying the nothing and not thinking about it.

I see Dr. Barth tomorrow at 4pm. I need to talk to him about scheduling my next MUGA scan. That is the heart scan that my insurance is requiring that I have every three months and I'll be due to have it again in December.

I'll see what Dr. Barth has to throw at me this time. I never know with him.

Ho ho ho..

Oh shit. Christmas is coming. Like a runaway freight train. Full speed ahead.

Now don't get me wrong I like Christmas. What I don't like? The over commercialized, Hallmark bullshit of having to make sure it "looks" right.

Why do we "buy" into this crap. It is like society holds up a picture and says "this is what Christmas looks like" And you know what picture that is? Yes. This one. I know this is Norman Rockwell's Freedom from Want, but, I think it has become the "picture" of what our holidays should look like. Or it is one example.

We are suppose to feel good about the holidays. Right? It is a time to spend with family and friends. Sharing food and gifts. Thinking of one another and appreciating each other. But, what I end up seeing and doing is inverting myself to make sure it is "right". Referring to the picture and finding myself lacking. And then feeling crappy.

My mother called me today. To talk about what we should eat Christmas day. Really? I'm suppose to be thinking about what to eat four weeks from now? I was trying to figure out what to have for breakfast. I just told her, I'm sure we will figure out something. No one will go hungry and it will all be fine. There is only going to be four of us for crying out loud!

My son was the voice of reason this season. Mom do we HAVE to put up the big tree? No.
No?
No.
NO?
NO!
Wow.
Right on mom.

Which made me realize that my son has been watching the craziness of it all and was dreading going through it again.

Yes I put up a tree. My 3 foot table top one. Yes I put up decorations in the house and my lights outside. It took me about an hour. In the past I would usually spend two days putting up crap.

So I'm stopping the insanity. I'm going to do the holidays without stress this year. I'm going to enjoy them and if I start to feel cranky or put upon or not measuring up, I going to flip the bird to Hallmark!

Join me in stopping the insanity and slowing down, take in the twinkle and what, without the crazy, can be truly a magical time of the year.

I encourage you all to find your voice of reason for the season!

OR go find your River....

Flying this season?

Well my recent flight to and from Vegas was TSA uneventful.

Here's something to kick off the holiday season for anyone who will be flying.

Lupron update

Well it has been three days since my lupron injection.

So far nothing to report.

I really don't know life at all

Do we ever figure it out?

I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing to figure out.

Life is not about figuring it out and doing it right.

It is just about experiencing it. And the figuring out part is an illusion that is foist upon us from the moment we are small children and adults asks us what do we want to be when we grow up. I guess we are suppose to have it figured out as a small child and just wait to get big enough to do it.

What inspired this? Well a small conversation I had today while my family celebrated Thanksgiving on the non Hallmark dictated date.

I'm talking about my bout with shingles with my cousin's ex. And he is talking to me about his gout. And then, he looks at me and says remember when we would all talk about what night club to go to? And now here we are talking about shingles and gout.

With any luck I hope someday to be talking to him about hearing aides and walkers.

Life changes, morphs. It's organic. There is no figuring it out.

Just experience it.

What happens in Vegas....

would stay there if it wasn't shared! But where's the fun in that. Had a great trip with my cousin. But, it was not uneventful!

When we arrived at the lovely Mirage Hotel their computers were down. Line a mile long to check in and we were informed that they were checking people in manually and it was taking 15 to 20 minutes per check in. Nope. We checked our bags at the bell desk and heading out to the buffet for lunch. We then gambled a bit. Line was still crazy and not moving. My cousin went and talked to someone and they said yeah it's going to be a couple of hours. So we went next door to Caesars and walked through the shops. Did some more gambling and then headed back about five hours later from when we got there.

No line. Computers back up. Yay! We check in and up to the 10 floor we go. On the way up I say to my cousin "you think they really had enough time to update their computers with who all checked in? you know the last time we were in Vegas together 20 years ago remember there were people in the room? You don't think....no that won't happen" We were laughing a remembering how we changed rooms and then there were people in the second room and the guys (we were both married back then) said that's it and we left and went to another hotel. We get to the room, in goes the key, open the door AND yep. There is an old lady in bed watching TV. She just looks over at us. I said I'm so sorry and shut the door as fast as I could. My cousin is now saying I jinks us. Back to the front desk we go. Apologies all over the place. Here is a new room key. Oh and they are upgrading us to a volcano view room. Big whoop. I tell the front desk person to please call the room and make sure no one is in there before we go up. And she did and no one answered. So up we go. Back to the tenth floor but, volcano side of hotel this time. We approach the door and there is a privacy sign on the door. Nope. I'm not opening that door. My cousin starts to and then decides to knock. No one answers. She knocks again just to be safe. No answer. She starts to put the key in and then we hear a male voice "hello". Oh Lord above yes, it is very obvious that there is a "reason" they didn't answer the phone or the door right away. Oh man. My cousin says so sorry they gave us this room and this is the second one that has been occupied and you might want to lock your door if you haven't already. Oh, oh thank you says the guy. And we hear a "click". Doesn't anyone lock their door when in their hotel room! Back to the front desk we go. Again. And I'm cheesed off. Now there is a line in the lobby. No way. I go to VIP check in. Explain what happened. That the last room interruption was rather embarrassing since the people in the room were obviously "busy". Off goes the front desk person. We wait and wait. She comes back. New room. Well no shit. Personal escort up to room. Good because I'm not opening that door again. And a $75 dollar room credit. Now we're talking. And the buffets were great! No one in the third room. Thank God.

We went back out and later that night we got hungry. There is a deli at the Mirage and we decided to get a sandwich to go and to take back to the room and share. I tell the girl at the counter that I want to do a room charge. We had the room credit and I wanted to use it. She says sure no problem and your room number? I have absolutely no idea. I look at my cousin. How should I know it's our third room! She says with ID she can look it up. I give her my ID and ask her to write the number down! If we hadn't gone to get food, I don't know when it would have dawned on us that we had no idea what room we were in!

We did some fabulous shopping. Ate. Ate and ate more. Went to the Bellagio buffet. Crazy. Just crazy good. French toast stuff with bananas and nutella. Oh Lord. I called my mom while eating it. She says "say that again?" Oh yeah.

Saw KA the show at the MGM grand. It's one of the cirque de sol shows. It was fantastic. Highlight of the show for me was the two guys running around the rotating hamster wheels. You've seen them in circuses where they are driving a motorcycle inside one. Well this was a contraption with two hamster wheels on each end and a guy in each wheel running around inside while the whole thing rotated. Then one guys goes on the outside of the wheel. Then he starts jumping rope. My cousin leans over and asks me Pam I can't see, what is he tethered to. I say nothing. She says that is one crazy boy! I say yeah I'm about to wet my pants. If he falls he is one dead boy. Nothing below these crazy adrenaline junkies but hard floor from what I can see. And my over analyzing crazy monkey brain that I have, all I can think is that this is not the kind of job you can do forever. These guys were built like bricks. So when you can't physically do this job anymore what then? On your resume it says jump roping hamster wheel running crazy risk taking fucker. But, what? I guess you can qualify for a job at Wal-Mart. Rather anti climatic though.

On Sunday we went to the Grand Lux to eat. Oh man. Just roll me. Place is owned by the Cheesecake Factory. But, it is even better. Had a crab louie salad that was insane but, BUT, but the OOOoooOOOOoooo was the freshly baked while you ate chocolate chip pecan cookies that they then bring out to you in a to go box. Hot gooey goodness. I eat one and tell the waiter I want another box. Man's eyes pop out. I say I'm taking them home to my parents. He says well, it will be another twenty minutes. That's Okay we are not in a hurry. So now we are wondering around the Venetian's casino each carting a box containing a dozen cookies of goodness. And I finally feel the lucky mojo. A couple of hours later when we are ready to go I have over nine hundred dollars in my wallet. My cousin wants to hit me over the head with the box of cookies and is tired of watching me drain the penny machines. What can I say. My wallet was full, my tummy was full, had my cookies of goodness for my parents, it was time to go home.

It was a agate marble in my fun jar.

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Forget certified organic, this is genius.


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I'm back

I'm home. Had a great time. Will blog about adventures soon. But, I'm off to watch some anime with son.

I have herceptin infusion tomorrow at 10am and then my lupron shot at Hoag day hospital at 2pm. It's an insurance thing.

And then I wait. Wait like a human time bomb once again to see what the lupron will do. I've made peace with it but, anxiety wants to rear its ugly head. I've told it to go away and that everything will be fine. I've told my body that it is going into a natural state of being just the means of getting there are being forced. But, by forcing it, I have choices. Choices about menopause where as naturally you don't. If you go through menopause naturally you don't know how that is going to happen, when, where or how. But, I do have some choices. Limited as they may be it is still more than none.

Yes. I'm trying to convince myself.

Viva Lost Wages

Yes I'm leaving. And on a jet plane. Although I do know when I'll be back again. Sunday. No blogging until then.

Lupron will be done Monday or Tuesday. They called today.

Looking back Ken vs GI Joe

Looking back might be a good place to gander at.

I've been in the present and what is going on right now. Which is not a bad place to be. And I've been struggling and wrestling with the future. Which I know will work its way out. But, I stopped today to take a gander at the past. Which for some would be a good thing and maybe for others not so much.

What caused me to look over my shoulder was my son's hair cut. At the salon I was asked if I wanted a hair cut. Yes, I acknowledge I have hair but, to cut it would most likely leave me bald and I've already worn that look. So it amused me to no end. And as I sat there waiting for my son to get his locks whacked off, I was reminded of a Barbie doll I had when I was a girl.

It was Barbie with growable hair. Kind of. She had a hole in the top of her head and a pony tail hanging out. You could yank on the pony tail and make it longer. And then yank on it again and it would wind itself back into the hole in her head and be short. Remember that Barbie? Anyone?

Well, after I obtained my hair growing Barbie, the growing abilities lasted about 2 1/2 minutes because just how did that work. Pop. Off with her head promptly. And then well, inside was a cheap ass spring loaded pulley thinging and pony tail attached by dental floss. The whole thing didn't work well after that. And at some point I wasn't happy with the length of her pony tail. I remember that no matter how much yanking I did I just couldn't get it that perfect length. So I cut it. Then cut it more. And finally I remember getting fixated again on the workings of the thing. Pop off with her head and the dental floss got so dangled up I ended up cutting that. Oops. There went the pony tail all together. So now I had a Barbie with a hole in the top of her head. Which I discovered allowed you to fill Barbie's head with all kinds of things. Tiny beads. Sand. Oh you could put flowers in the hole and have them sticking out of her head. Yes. That was best. Flower head Barbie.

And I was a Barbie girl. Barbie's dream house. Barbie's dream car. Skipper. And Ken.
Ken, Ken, Ken. Polyester jumpsuit, ascot sporting Ken. Disappointing boyfriend really because Ken, well Ken was lacking in some serious ways as far as I and my other Barbie and Ken owning girlfriends were concerned. And when it came to Ken there was one thing that we were concerned with. Where was Ken's parts.

One of us girls would get a new Ken doll for our birthday or Christmas. We would meet over at someone's house. New Ken doll clutched in owners hand. We would all sit around and anticipate the grand unveiling. The owner of the doll would do the honors. And....pull down the pants. And then...disappointment. Awwww man. Where's the goods. We were robbed. It's not fair. Barbie has boobs, where's Ken's equipment. It was sad. Not even a bulge was to be found. And the injustice of it all.

Then one of my friends, her brother got a GI Joe action figure (because boys don't have dolls) for his birthday. And she got us all together. This was GI Joe. No polyester sporting ascot wearing wimp. He wore camafloge, combat boots, had machine guns and drove a Jeep. Yes, this was a man. AND and....this one. This GI Joe doll had chest hair!! Not imprinted into the plastic chest hair. We are talking series of holes punctured into the plastic chest wall and plastic fake hair glued into each hole. Chest hair.

So when her brother left to go to little league practice we went into his room and retrieved GI Joe. We sat around. Oh the anticipation. Said sister had the honors of the unveil as we chanted, take them off, take them off. All that was lacking was koolaide filled cups with drink umbrellas and our fists clutching monopoly money to throw at GI Joe. Finally the unveil. AND. Yep. Disappointment. Nada. GI Joe was not manly after all. And we were outraged. And decided he didn't deserve his manly chest hair. We took tweezers and pluck his chest hair out. Why? I guess outraged disappointed little girls can be vindictive.

In the end the brother was beside himself. The parents bought him a new GI Joe and said sister had to pay for it out of her allowance over time.

So look over your shoulder. Remember a little ridiculous whimsy. And share.

Remember what shaped you.

Growth Requires Pain

If it is hard, pursue it
If it is easy, enjoy it
If it is broken, it still has worth
If it is imperfect, it still has value

And if it is beautiful, gaze upon it and drink it in
And if it is perfect, point and shout

If you are on top, you are floating
If you are sinking, you are floating at another level
And if you have reached bottom, you are just resting

So run with scissors
Stick a penny in an outlet
Shove a bean up your nose
Slide down a flight of stairs in a box
Jump on the bed until the slats break
Put gum in your hair
Light something on fire

For growth requires pain

What is inappropriate?

Had a debate this lovely evening with my teen on what is inappropriate. This debate was in regards to what we watch. Shows, movies and etc. What prompted the debate was that he asked if he could purchase a video game and that it was rated M but that was for violence. I have a no tolerance rule for M rated games in the house. But his argument was that he had already watched the anime show that the game was based on. So I guess the damage was already done in his mind.

I launched into super mom mode of I trust you to self monitor and not watch inappropriate things. To which he asked what is inappropriate exactly? Anything I deem so seemed reasonable to me but, not to the teen. And dang can that boy debate a point. Seriously I smell a lawyer in the house. The issue-a level of violence. To which the teen argued that he is a 16 year old male with lots of testosterone and watching the hero hack away at the villains is entertaining. He acknowledges that it is not my cup of tea but, does that make it inappropriate. He also pointed out that this was drawn animated violence. Much of it fantasy with ridiculous over sized swords. I'm still not buying it and tell him to drop it for tonight I'm done. Will discuss further in the morning.

And as I sit here blogging away and feeling panicked that I have failed as a parent in not monitoring more closely what he has watched. Perhaps trusting too much. Trying not to over manage his life and there for being neglectful. My argument to him was that he could be going down a slippery slope. He has allowed himself to watch this level of violence what is next? His side mom I know the difference between right and wrong I'm not going down a slippery slope it is just entertainment for me. I'm not convinced.

But I just remembered the other night NCIS came on. I asked if he wanted to watch it with me. He said are you crazy that show has way too much blood for me. I watched. I watched the graphic gore of NCIS and yet I am freaking about the fake drawn gore and violence of anime.

I'm going to bed and will think on this more tomorrow.

If you can't watch it with your mother you can't watch it. Is what I am feeling but, know is not realistic.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Let them pick their nose and play with tonka trucks
Let them play doctor and fireman and such
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Keep them in diapers and training wheels
Let them run naked and squeal

Letting go and holding on...

Last night my son had a friend over to spend the night. Well, the main objective was anime watching. They have both been watching the same anime series from Netflix and had now wanted to watch the two movies made based on the anime together.

So for dinner I order pizza. Pizza hut was having a "deal" 2 medium pizzas for $6 each. Seems reasonable. My son's friend wanted cheese only. My son, not surprising for anyone who knows him, wanted meat on his. The pizza arrives the boys race to the kitchen. Two starving 16 year old boys, lift the lids to their pizza with anticipation on their faces. Which was quickly replaced by dismay. That was by far, hands down the saddest pizza on the planet at that moment in time. They were the smallest medium pizza I have ever seen. When I ordered, they asked me if I wanted thin, hand toss or pan crust. I ordered hand tossed. I think if I had ordered thin, you would have been able to see through the pizza. They boys ate it but there was none left. I have seen cheap frozen pizza that looked better than this. Worse the pizza from Chuck E. Cheese is better than this. Pizza Hut you suck.

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful. I laid in bed watching TV. Putzing around on Face Book and listening to the boys from the other room. The sleep overs from the past had consisted of young boy's laughter. Much chatter. Frequent seeking me out for various questions and reassurance I suspect. They also included the knowledge that a call to a parent at midnight was probably on the horizon. I never minded. And was honored to be a part of the sleep over growing up experiences.

Last night however was completely different. Boy's laughter replaced by deep male mummers. No seeking me out for questions and reassurances. Oh they came a talk to me about this and that. Mainly out of good manners to at least acknowledge that I existed in the house.

I drifted off sleep knowing there would not be a midnight parental phone call to be made.

This morning I awoke to a peaceful quietness that surrounded the house. Let the dogs out to do their thing. And started cooking bacon. Coffee brewing. I sat down to toast bacon and artificial caramel laced coffee. Bathed in the happiness and rightness of it all. The only thing I lusted for was a newspaper. But, rather than be distracted by the emptiness of ink covered paper, I focused on the contentment of the moment. Then my toast need more butter.

I go to my silverware drawer to pull out a knife. I pause as I go to close the drawer. My gaze lands on my silverware divided. The plastic golden color of the 70s contraption that keeps the silverware from co-mingling with each other because that would be scandalous. And it hits me. I bought that divider when I got married. In 1989. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact it looks exactly like it did when I bought it. Which means that silverware holder divider contraption has held up better than I have.

It is startling to look at something that has been in your life for 21 years and used on a daily basis and yet not thought about in the least. It holds silverware what is there to think about. But it was bought, packed in moved twice. Anyone who has eaten at any of my homes in the last 21 years most likely pulled silverware from this contraption.

So I think maybe it's time to let go of this silverware holder but since there isn't anything wrong with it and it functions just as well today as it did 21 years ago, I'm holding on to it.

And this is why we hang onto stuff. Not for the thing itself because it is just a replaceable thing. But, it is the familiarity that it holds. The memories it sparks when we look at it.

I am once again getting geared up to embark on more unloading of stuff. It is a most painful endeavor and am trying to understand why. It is just stuff but, I guess not.

It is going but I am no longer going to expect that it should be painless.

There are things I want to get rid of and change in every single room of my house! I am suspecting this is the true reason why we move. And why I have toiled with the idea of moving the last couple of years. But, I love my house and I don't want to move. So I am going to start making plans. Serious plans of what I want to do with each room and then implement them one by one.

I need to replace the dread and feel overwhelmed with one that this is the perfect time in embark on such an endeavor as I am home.

Ikea here I come.

The Beauty of Xanax

I'm convinced Spock slipped him a xanax.

Guess....

I dare you. Guess. Guess when the xanax kicks in!

Lessening

I think the pain is easing up. The shingles rash is healed over. And the pain is either easing up or I'm pathetically getting use to it. No it has decreased.

I've been boosting my immunity. To gain immunity has been a trial much like on the show survivor. Which I think I have watched once. For about 10 minutes. Anyway the regime has been whey protein in drink form 3 times a day. Brewers yeast drinking 3 times a day. This juice drink stuff my internist gave me once in the morning. Chomping down some lecithin twice a day. Once a day I'm taking a multi vitamin, along with vitamin A, B complex, C, D, E, magnesium and calcium, acidophilus and folic acid. And let's not forget the valtrex for the shingles that I'm still on twice a day.

I think I'm feeling better. Or this is how you feel just before you explode.

The Womb

My body screams
Screams put me into warm water
As I turn the faucet
I am filled with trepidation
Will this cause harm?

My body screams
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me

As I start to lower
I turn
Turn off the light
I lower
Into the water
In darkness

My body screams
Thank you
Pain is released
And I float
I float in the warmth
I float in the darkness

Where am I?
I sink lower
Submerge my ears
I hear
Hear my heart beat
The beat of my mother
I am in the womb

Water becomes amniotic fluid
Darkness of the womb
Sounds are muffled
Heart beat comforting
I am safe
I am developing

Water cools
My body whispers
Emerge
Emerge
Emerge
And Be

Doctor, Doctor

Doctor Doctor give me the news...

I think I have breast cancer.
No, a little lower, a little lower, here let me show you...

Saw my oncologist today and no he doesn't look like Elvis. We are going to do the lupron. He put in the order they will get approval from my insurance and then one of the nurses will be calling me to come in when it's ready and get my shot in the ass. Sounds like it will be sometime next week.

He is keeping me on the valtrex. Anti viral meds longer since I told him that I was getting relief from the pain when I take it. He wants me on it for another three weeks. Since I have no side effects from taking the valtrex and it helps I'm glad to have it actually.

Let's see. So I dropped my pants so he could see the shingles on my thigh. I mooned him so he could see the one spot I have on my butt. They are drying up. He said they looked good. The shingles I don't think he was commenting on my legs or my butt. And then I flashed him as he wanted to look at the girls. Said things looked good. Now you know why I had to post the video. No he didn't kiss my forehead. He did hug me.

So now for the really important news. My tumor markers are doing great. What? Tumor markers are levels of stuff (because I'm not really sure what they are) in your blood. They test these levels when you are diagnosed. And then they test them during treatment and track what they do. If they go sky high, it indicates the cancer is back.

Now why can't they use these markers for diagnosis? Because they are different for everyone. Example there are three markers that Dr. Barth is using to track me and one of them shows 0 and has shown 0 for the whole time. So it never did show anything abnormal. And in fact all the markers have been in so called "normal" levels from diagnosis until now. So they don't always show high. And they are different for each person. So the best they can do is track what your markers do and if they start climbing then we know something is going on.

So far everything is good.

So on valtrex for the shingles for another three weeks. Lupron sometime next week. The lupron will be a one month injection to see how I do. Then I will see Dr. Barth in 4 weeks to see how the shingles and lupron is going.

In the meant time I'm going to Vegas! in two weeks!

Doctor, Doctor and Doctor?

Saw my surgeon today. She said I looked great. I hate to think what bad looks like. I have a fried boob. It's not bad but, great is not a word I would use to describe it. She took some more nudie pictures once again assuring me that my face wouldn't be in them. I told her, you can take as many pictures of my face as you want. I'm fine with that really. She chuckled. But really the whole idea of there being pictures of just my boobs existing in the world, creepy. All I can envision is my surgeon having a portfolio of headless boob photos. She scheduled me for another mammogram April 5th 2011! It will be a year then since my last one which was at the time of my diagnosis. And she will see me that day as well.

I see Dr. Barth tomorrow. Oncologist. Will let him know of the scheduled mammogram and my decision on lupron. Will see what he has to say about the shingles and see what the man has to throw at me now.

I'm also going to go see my internist in the morning before Dr. Barth. I need to check in with her. I have started back on supplements. Vitamins. And she is really into that stuff so I want her input. Plus I want some more xanax. She would refill it but I feel better seeing her first.

So that makes three doctors in two days.

Whew and today we went to Disneyland this morning, left went to the surgeons and then after went back up to pick up Chris. Made seeing the surgeon more of a blimp in the day than the main event.

It was good.

Search for the Phoenix

Pain
Is a drain on my soul
I try to control

My body
Holy vessel for my soul
Now a battlefield
For which
Poison
Cutting
Burning
Has ravaged
And violated
Created pain

My body
Heals
My soul
Heals
And the healing
Creates pain of its own

So I search
I search for
The Phoenix
To rise from the ashes of pain
And be reborn

What Surviving Looks Like

We are all dancing under the gallows in one respect or another. This is what surviving, thriving, living looks like.

I've got that damned key board. I need piano lessons.

Shingles trigger...

Tourette's syndrome. Here is an example:

Jesus, Joseph, Mary, Simeon and Garfunkel that hurts that like a cock sucking Sigfried and Roy mother fucking Theresa holy dick wad painful bastard of blisters!

Yeah I've developed Tourette's.

And I'm pretty darn twitchy too.

Halloween

Happy Halloween.

My dad has wanted to come over tonight and hand out candy. Not happening. I feel bad putting a lid on that but I just am in no place to handle that damned door bell being rung repeated tonight and setting the dogs off.

Nope. I am doing what I have done the last couple of years. Put the bucket of candy down at the end of the driveway. Place my 4 foot tall witch next to it holding a sign that says Happy Halloween. Don't come near the door.

I don't want to gip the neighborhood kids out of their candy, I just don't want to deal with the door, dogs and noise.

Boo!

I've got a new attitude

In the past whenever I would go to take any new medication of any kind be it prescription or over the counter, I would read. Read all the possible side effects. Read how the drug works. What it interacts with. Etc. You know, all those things you should do before taking a new drug.

Got home with my anti viral meds and just twisted off the top and popped them with water. Didn't even think about it. Seriously not even sure what the fuckers are called. Something with a V.

I guess after you have been poisoned and lived, you just don't worry about stuff so much.

I have to say it's kinda nice in a oh what the fuck way.

Yep Shingles.

I successfully self diagnosed. I have shingles. I have anti viral meds that are suppose to keep things from getting out of hand.

They will be checking up on me Tuesday when I go in for my herceptin infusion.

I think I will go find something mind numbing to watch.

Shingles?

Holy crap. I think I might have shingles. Wednesday I noticed that my right thigh was well, it's hard to describe. The skin was super sensitive to touch. Tingly. I guess. Since I have been having trouble with my legs with various types of pain since chemo I didn't think much about it. Then this morning I had two small rash spots. Well, it's windy and my allergies are going crazy and it's not unusual for me to be rashy this time of year. But, tonight not only is the tingle super sensitive skin on my right thigh but it is my right hip and right side only of my lower back. No rash there. And the rash is looking rather blistery. Shit. Looked up shingles. One body side tingling with blister rash is some of the symptoms.

Will call doctors in morning.

Oh Joys.

Sewing Pants

I have been remiss in my posting as of late for I have been immersed in making pants. It has been quite the journey. These pants I speak of our for my son. He is going to a Halloween dance Saturday and wanted to go as a character from an anime show.

So I sewed a pair of pants. He came out with said pants on and announced "what did you do?" I looked. Oh my. There is something just so wrong here. Took me a minute and then I realized that there is a reason that pants come with crotches. They don't work so well without then.

Round two. Made a diamond for a crotch. Hmmmm closer but still the kid is walking rather funny.

Round three. I cut the pants from a pair of jean shorts. Because my son owns no pants.
closer but still looks, well kinda waddy in the front. That's still wrong.

Round 4. I buy a pattern. Yes up until then I was winging it. I bought a pattern for pajama bottoms. I also at this point had run out of material. So I had to piece together stuff and well I made pants. Not too bad. But, I'm not happy either. So I go back to the fabric shop with the intent to buy more fabric and just start over. Sigh. They don't have anymore of the fabric.

So these would be the pants we are going with.

And now you know where I have been.

Woman Brain vs Man Brain

Women and men are just different. They think different. AND we could learn a few things from each other if tried to actually think like each other.

Lupron. Yes this is more on the lupron. Lupron was developed because of men. Men who had prostate cancer that were going to be treated hormonally for it were castrated. Yes that's right off with their.... And men. Being men. Said nope. Come up with something else. So here's lupron. Which by the way since it shuts down your gonades it makes everything stop working. And if you are a man who is being treated for advanced prostate cancer hormonally we are talking about being on lupron for life and there for Mr.Winky not working for life so why not just off with the boys and forego the drug. Because men grab themselves and say no way. NO WAY.

But, women. Women are just take them off, take them out. Take it, take it all. Why? Why don't we think more like men in this case. Why don't we say NO WAY? Myself, I decided to keep my girl AFTER I was told it would not help me medically to take it off. BUT not because I insisted. And even the lupron I'm thinking of taking ONLY until I'm up to surgery. Why? Why am I so willing to go have stuff waked out of my body?

I'm going to do lupron. And if I tolerate it, I'm doing lupron until I'm in menopause and foregoing surgery. Keeping surgery as a last ditch option.

Thinking like a man.

Forced Menopause

Man, I'm having all kinds of mixed feelings about forced menopause. Biggest one is that I don't want to do it. But, the reality is that menopause is something that happens to all women lucky enough to live long enough to go through it.

Now that it is a pending thing that is going to be hoisted upon me sooner than later I'm wondering about the lack of talk amongst women about it.

I'm in the dark. So I have visited some websites to find out what women are saying about menopause in regards to the natural type. AND it's not any different from the forced situation.

So I'm making peace with the fact that this is something we all have to go through as women.

Seems that when it is something we don't have much choice about, we tend to be silent and stoic about it. Why? Why is that?

Well you all know by now that's not by style. So I'll be bitching here no doubt and no one will be in the dark.

Random Profile Question of the Day

Good lord they have reach an all time bottom. It's not even a question!!

The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:

Once there was a frog that was bald
Just like all the other frogs in the pond
So he decided to be different and wear a wig
But it was itchy
So he wore a hat instead
The End.

The British are coming, the British are coming

The British are coming!!!!!

Now that I have purchase my tickets so I'm assured a seat I will share.

Jake Shimabukuro and The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain are coming to the Orange County Performing Art Center, March 24th, 2011.

Squeal. Squeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll! Back flip, Cart wheel.

I'm so excited it's stupid.

But I emailed the Ukulele Orchestra probably close to two years ago to see if they would ever come to the states to play. No plans at the time. And here they are. In my backyard!!!

This is a major fun marble in my jar! Karma Gods are being good to me!!!

Lupron

So I've been reading about the side effects of lupron and basically scaring the hell out of myself. Although the side effects are ALL menopausal side effects.

So I stopped to look at the side effects of my other option. Ovary removal. AND guess what? The side effects of having your ovaries removed (pre menopausal or peri menopausal) are the same as the luprin.

If you go through menopause naturally guess what? The side effects are the same as the luprin AND ovary removal.

And just what are the POSSIBLE side effects:

Hot flashes
Vaginal dryness
Decreased libido
Head aches
Muscle/Join pain
Mood swings
Weight gain
Bone loss
Water retention

Conclusion:

Menopause Sucks!

And there is no getting around it. Mine is just being forced.

Know a grouchy old woman? Now you know why she is grouchy.

Medical community tried to address these issues with hormone replacement therapy because really who should suffer from these things. But wait, oops hormone replacement therapy increases cancer incidences. No more replacing those hormones. Better to be grouchy than have cancer.

Not everyone has these side effect. Or maybe some but not all. And it is worse for some women than others. Looking towards my mom for possible clues, she had a full hysterectomy at age 35. She had mild hot flashes but nothing severe and that was about it.

Chemo put me into menopause. All I had were hot flashes that were brief. Nothing that horrendous. And now I'm recovering from that. Darn body couldn't you have just stayed in menopause? That was what we were hoping for.

I'm going to do the lupron and not worry about it.

And I will apologize now to everyone if in the future I'm grouchy. At least you will know why.

Decisions Decisions

Lupron vs ovary removal. Oh joys. We are finally at the point of what to do about the estrogen. Here's the deal. My cancer was estrogen receptor positive and not mildly which means it was getting signals from estrogen in my body to tell it to grow. In case there was any escapees we need to address the estrogen in my body.

So my estrogen level in my body current is at 47. Needs to be below 30 for me to be considered in menopause. Two ways to get it there. One remove the ovaries. Two Lupron which is a drug that shuts down the ovaries. I would get a shot in the butt once every three months. Side effects are menopausal ones. Hot flashes, hoo ha dryness and all that jazz. Remove the ovaries and well that puts you into instant menopause with the side effects being menopausal, hot flashes, hoo ha dryness and all that jazz.

Now estrogen is also made in other parts of the body so the goal here is to get the estrogen levels down to the menopause level so I can take an aromatase inhibitor. What's that? Well, here's the load down, starve the cancer of estrogen (menopausal levels is starving) and the fucker says fine I'll just make my own using nutrients from your body. So the aromatase inhibitors stop that function from happening.

Either choice Lupron shot or ovary removal. I have to take the aromatase inhibitor. It's a pill. For five years. Because the first five years are the high risk of recurrence years.

And the envelope goes to.....Lupron. For now. I am not in the mood for another surgery.

I have my next herceptin Nov. 2. Dr. Barth wants to test my estrogen levels again and see me that week. Well, we all know it's not going to be lower. I think he is just giving me time to make a decision.

My thought is I don't want another surgery right now. I just don't. I'm still healing. I can take the shot in the ass and see how I do. If I just don't like the side effects I can have the ovaries removed. If I'm OK with the Lupron I would be on it until my body was in menopause. Who knows how to figure that out. But, I have a feeling I will most likely have the ovaries removed, I'm just not up to it right now.

Bottom line is ALL women go through menopause one way or another. Mine is just being forced.

Fordcares.com

Ford cares. About selling cars.

OK so Ford is collecting donations to help with breast cancer research with the donations they collect going to the Susan Komen foundation.

The other night I had the TV on and they had tons of ads on. Go to Fordcares.com. Donate. So I went and bought a warrior t-shirt. I felt I was deserving of a warrior t-shirt and the majority of what I spent was going to the foundation. THEN then after I made my purchase the Ford website asked me to take a survey. How do you feel about Ford? Would you buy a Ford? OK people. Shoot yourself in the foot. We care about breast cancer so now how do you feel about us? We are good? Right because we are supporting a good cause that makes us good and next time you are in the market to buy a car you're going to make it a Ford. Right?

Right now I think Ford sucks in a hypocritical way. Yes I'm glad they are raising a butt load of money. I think the total was over one million dollars. But, the motive. The motive is questionable. Seriously.

I got the last laugh on the bastards. I rated them a 10 on everything. That way they will think this campaign is changing peoples opinion of Ford. They will continue to do charity drives like this one. AND I'll never buy a Ford.

I should add that the bastards had to bribe me to take the survey. I never would have taken it but, if you did they gave you a free silk scarf. I like free so I took the survey and then became an outraged, warrior t-shirt owning, free silk scarf recipient that will never buy a Ford.

Random Profile Question of the Day

Question:

If you drive on a parkway why don't they make the whole plane out of that?

Answer:

WTF? Because it wouldn't fly?

So far I think this is the worse question. BUT, wait tomorrow is another day!

When did you chose?

Put this way clears things up I think. Born. Repressed because of society. Come out. Precieved as a choice.

Random Profile Question of the Day

Question:

Sponges and tongues are frequently misspelled. Is it because both are thirsty?

Answer:

Yes

Infusion Day

Today Chris sat with me during my infusion. The kid amazes me. He wanted to sit with me and he watched. He watched the nurse draw blood and set up the IV. Which is done in one shot but, he watches. Hell I don't watch. And he asks questions. Today he asked the nurse just how much blood was she taking out!

There were no cubbies available so we were on chemo row today. Chris likes this as he gets to sit in a chemo chair next to me. Nice big leather reclining chair. In the cubbies I get one of these but the visitor gets a regular uncomfortable chair.

We were situated in front of the scales. So this is what we observed today. Men. Men get on the scales and they are accepting of their weight. Women. Women get on the scales and it doesn't matter what it says they are unhappy. This one woman came in she said I don't want to know my weight so don't tell me. She actually got on the scales backwards! My son leans over and asks me why didn't she just close her eyes. I don't know i guess she didn't want to be tempted to peek. Women need a scales that doesn't state what her weight is but tells her she looks good.

There was a woman in there with her mother. She was getting hydration but she stopped that before it was over and said she was done. They were trying to get her scheduled for a spinal tap and an MRI and she was having no part of it. She wanted to go home. Her doctor came out and said he wanted these things done today. It was a no go. She ended up agreeing with doing them Thursday and Friday. What can I say this all took place right in front of us. I felt for her and although she needed these test I was glad to see someone stand their ground and just say I'm not up to doing all that today.

Now to track side effects. So far nothing. Just sleepy this afternoon which is what I experience the last two times. I'm hoping for a let up with the hay fever symptoms.

Tomorrow is Herceptin Day

Another infusion day is upon me. Chris wants to sit with me tomorrow and read. Hydrating in preparation.

At radiation today, Dr. Cox drew on me. I'll be getting 8 boosters starting Friday. Which means that my entire breast won't be radiated just a portion of it. About 1/3 I would say and it is around the tumor site. So he drew a big oval circle around it. With a sharpie. Then the technician drew over that with a shocking blue marker. AND the bottom half of the whole thing came off today and is inside my bra. They had placed these small clear round stickers along the line but didn't put any on the bottom part. It'll be interesting tomorrow morning.

It's funny how little mishaps things like this would freak me out at the start of this whole thing and now...well now, I'm feeling, like oh well they'll figure it out.

That ink is never coming out of that bra.

Random Profile Question #6

Question:

You have to dig a hole to China. Where do you start?

Answer:

In the back yard I guess. I would have to look at a globe to really figure out what is on the opposite side of China. Besides being an impossible task I don't think putting a hole through Mother Earth is a good idea.

Identity Crisis

I have hair now. But, it is uber short. I still wear my hats when I'm going to be outside to protect myself from the sun. But if I'm indoors, I'm generally hatless. So, I have been in malls or grocery stores, you know those places us humans frequent and I have caught people staring at me. I'm cool with staring. But, I can see mass confusion as they try to figure out by my appearance who I am. I look too healthy to be someone who is sick. Although I think this is their first thought but, they are unsure. I don't have the tattoos or multiple piercings and I can see they wonder if I'm gay but I'm carry a purse and not wearing a fanny pack. So the staring people are just confused. And I am amused. Amused that they are having a difficult time putting a label on who I am other than a woman with uber short salt and pepper hair.

I hope someday everyone who stares has a confused look on their face and is unable to label anyone.

Random Profile Question #5

What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?

Something brown. Duh.

Random Profile Question of the Day #5

I missed yesterday. We went to Dland. Was a nice day.

Here's the question:

How tall would you be if you had never cut your fingernails?

Answer:

Is that how we are suppose to measure our height? Are we to include to the tips of our finger nails to the tips of our toes? If so I'm a lot taller and therefore my BMI is already way below what Dr. Barth wants it and I can stop dieting now.

I have no idea how long my finger nails would be if I never cut them. But, this woman holds the world record and all I can think is how the hell does she wipe her ass?

Blister

I am now realizing that the blister is healed pretty good. It is scabbed over and not hurting very much. What is hurting is I'm trying to get another one. Yea I'm an over achiever. This new blister is next to the other one. It hasn't done anything yet as far as form anything that looks like a blister. The area is a little redder and it hurts. But, the area that is red is smaller than the old blister area.

I am now putting honey on that as well.

12 more to go.

Over 50 profile views

I don't even think I had anything in my profile. Then I looked and found out that I had over 50 views. That's 50 views of nothingness. So that is what prompted the rambling profile.

Looking at the Map

So where am I? I have 5 rads to the entire breast left and then 8 boosters to the tumor area that will involve about 1/3 of the breast instead of the whole thing. So 5 plus 8 makes 13. After tomorrow done to 12. Getting there.

Tuesday I go for my next herceptin. So what have I learned? Benadryl no dye I tolerate and keeps the hay fever symptoms at bay so I can function. Also they last a few days and then I'm fine.

Energy is low on some days but, I'm contributing that to radiation more than the herceptin.

Time will tell for sure about that.

Sticking to the diet. Crazy sugar cravings have diminished. And my pants are loser so I know I have dropped a little weight. Hopefully just enough to make Dr. Barth happy but truth is I'm afraid to seriously drop weight right now because of the radiation. They have me precisely measured up. I'm talking millimeters here. I don't want to mess that up. So, I have dropped a bit but, I holding off on getting to serious about it until after the 26th. Plus my body is healing right now and I don't want to be starving it. Which lets face it is what happens when you are dieting. He didn't want me losing more than 2 pounds a month anyway. He said more than that would scare him. I'm down two right now so I'm holding that until after the 26th before I start to lose more.

Blister. Blister is holding its own. Hurts. Mother hurts but it has formed a scab and is flat. I think it hurts because it would be like having a burn on your finger that keeps trying to heal but everyday you keep burning it again. Yes I would say that pretty much sums it up. At least it is not worse!

Look on the bright side of life!

Random Profile Question of the Day #4

Question:

Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?

Answer:

OK this is what I think. Or more accurately when I read this randomly selected question, what I immediately envisioned. A room. A room with a few employees of Blogger who have been assigned to come up with random profile questions. And they get bored. One leaves the room and goes out to their car. They return with a bong and big bag of pot. They get stoned and come up with "I got it, I got it" "you caught it? caught what?" "a fish, a fish I caught a fish." "what kind of fish?" "you know one of those bike riding fishes" "oh totally narly dude"

Yea those fish I've seen at the aquarium with legs. They would definitely like a bike. Maybe Santa will bring one to them for Christmas. But, then it would rust being in the water and all.....

Thank God It's Not Me

I'll be talking to someone and they will ask me a question about the cancer. During my answering a look will pass across their face. That look is "thank God it's not me". It's a brief flash that is quickly replaced by guilt. Guilt for feeling this way and guilt for it not being them. Guilt for feeling relieved that it's not them. This too is quickly replaced, by compassion. Now, I'm not in anyway saying the compassion is not genuine. It is. BUT, thank God it's not you. I thank God it's not you.

The treatment for this disease is life disrupting at its best. And it brings forth the little nagging life uncertainties that we carry in the back of our brains, front and center and throws a big spot light on it.

I will share something that I have learned that I think is of value for everyone living on this planet with all its uncertainties. I visit fear because it's unreasonable to pretend it doesn't exist BUT I don't live there.

Random Profile Question of the Day #3

I am failing miserably at doing this daily. Missed yesterday.

Question:
All of the phone numbers have fallen out of your address book. Whose number do you look for first and why?

Answer:

What? How can the numbers fall out of your address book? AND if they all did fall out, well, you wouldn't be looking for anyone's phone number because it would be futile. You wouldn't be able to look for anyone's phone number because they all fell out!

They might as well have asked if you lost your phone book whose number do you look up first and why. But, look where? you lost your phone book.

If you lose your phone book, you're fucked. If all the numbers fall out of it, you're stoned.

Be aware

October is breast cancer awareness month. Now you are aware. If you see an increase of pink in your life during this month, now you know the source.

It's cold and wet....

I'm not going to park and you can't make me. I feel bad for Chris except he looked outside and said yea OK let's not go. And here I'm up to it physically. But, not enough to brave the wet and cold.

Most of it has to do with being uncomfortable. I have spent a great deal of the last six months being physically and mentally uncomfortable. Not willing to do it when I have a choice at this point.

I'm going to enjoy the weather from inside today!

Random Profile Question of the Day. #2

The squish of mud between your toes; how would you live your life as a frog?

Trying not to get eaten.

Random Question of the Day

I just went and updated my profile. It gives you the option of getting a random question. I though what the heck. Here it is:

This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?

This is my answer:

A semi-fuck. It's not a punctuation that is for damned sure. Stupid question what does that even mean?

Oh this is just too good. I can go to my profile and get a new question.

Soooooo look for the daily profile question to be posted and answered daily by me!

Until I get bored and move on to something else. But it might be interesting.

I'm a Farrell's Survivor!

Spent the afternoon celebrating my cousin's daughter's 13th birthday. What is my cousin's daughter in relationship to me anyway? Is that a second cousin? Anyone? Anyone?

I thought all Farrell's had shut down as a display of mercy on the human race but, alas it seems two have been resurrected. One in Mission Viejo and one in Santa Clarita.

It was torturous fun. She ordered the Volcano. 30 scoops of vanilla ice cream, a crazy amount of hot fudge, whip cream, etc. Lit on fire no less.

A fun time was had by all. And yes I'll confess I would go again!