Old Faithful Failed

It was a tough morning and while the three pokes were not fun, what was truly tough were the emotions.

I knew it was going to happen eventually. My old faithful vein. The only vein I have let anyone poke through this whole thing. The one in my left arm wrist area. Oh it is bruised and battered but, up until today it had panned out. But, today, today it just laid down and said no more. I was hydrated. I had exercised the heck out of it. But, nope. The nurse I had today, she has cannulated me before. Several times. She has been doing this for seventeen years and started out in pediatrics. She got the needle in the vein that wasn't the problem. It collapsed. I'm numbed up with the emula so I'm okay. She tries for a spot higher up. Its in, it gives her some blood and then quits. She pulls it out. She says to me I'm going to have to find a new place. She is apologizing all over the place. I keep telling her it is not her fault. Because it wasn't. She got it in. That's all she can do. Then she looks me in the eye and says if you want someone else, if you want to tell me no I don't want you to poke me again get someone else, I'm okay with that, you can tell me that.

And she is flushed and shook up. This would have failed today no matter who had attempted it. I suspect it is because of the shingles and being sick this past week my body wasn't able to heal itself. But, now I'm looking at this shook up, hurting nurse. How, just how am I to tell her I want someone else? And I really didn't want someone else, that wasn't going to help anyway. She has to do this again after me, I don't know how many more times today. And tomorrow. And the day after that.

I take both her hands in mine and look her back in the eye and I say "I don't know how you do this". She looks at me and says "I don't know how you come here every three weeks and do this". I say "This disease is hard on everyone. Not just the patient. I come here every three weeks, but in between I don't think about it. You live this every day. You come in here everyday and thread needles into people. All day long. I couldn't do that but, I NEED someone that can do that". She says "There have been times where I thought I don't want to do this anymore, but, someone does have to do this and there are people who just can't and someday it could be me. It could be me that needs someone to do this for me. So I come and I do this."

And now I'm a blubbering mess but, my tears are not for me alone, but for her as well. And she looks rather shocked at the realization. I say "We are stuck. I can't leave. You can't leave. We both have to do this. So look for vein that you feel good about. And it will work."

And so she does. She finds one in the bend of the elbow on my left arm and she feels good about it. I can tell. And it works. Hardly felt anything. And that's the bugger with using that spot. Easy in. Easy out. But, damn the thing is sore after for a couple of days. And it hurts right now. The wrist doesn't do that. More painful to get in so that's why I use the emula to numb it but, it doesn't hurt after. But, here I am.

The nurse felt that we could try again in the wrist next time as it would be six weeks then. It got poked twice today but, not used. Nothing flowing through it. I will numb both areas next time and now have a back up spot.

I knew it would probably give out. That vein has been cannulated I believe twenty times in the last nine months and I'm sure I'm forgetting some along the way.

I might end up with a port after all. But, I'm fighting it right now. She had no trouble getting it in a new spot so, we will see.

Two hours later we are done. And now standing, I hug my nurse and ask her if she is okay. She says "You are an amazing person. Yes, I'm okay"

Yes I'm the patient. Yes it is all about me. But, I'm home now. In comfy pajamas about to watch more mind numbing Battlestar Gallactica (the new one). And my nurse is still in chemo row. Poking people. Trying to get needles into people's veins. Purposely inflicting discomfort in the effort to heal. I have no doubt that she has had people think it is her fault when it hasn't gone well and has had patients make her feel incompetent. I know she felt incompetent today. And I tried to take that away. Because someone has to do this, and it isn't me.

Tears form because
Because I need her to get up every day and cannulate.
Because I need her to keep on poking when it doesn't work.
Because I can't have "my" nurse give up.
Because.....I need her.
Tears fall because