Look to the right >>>>>>>>>>>>

See that old stuff there? It's there because blogger used to have on the dash board these side bar options and NOW THEY ARE GONE.  And they have put this whole thing into a new bloody format that I personally don't like. Probably mostly just because it's new and I'm a human being so I don't like new. But, mostly because the sidebar is now totally useless and I can't update it and it looks stupid.

Who do I write to?

Is It Over Yet?

Went and saw Mission Impossible with my son. It was a rocking good time of a movie and after we went to Barnes and Noble since we both have gift cards. On our way into the store, there is a dad in a total panic hustling his way out, with his probably around 8 year old daughter tucked under his arm. The man had that stricken panicked but not terrified dad look, with that shear male determination underneath that was detectable. Man on a mission. He burst through the doors and made his way to the nearby trash can just outside the store where he propped his daughter over the can and then....the retching began. Poor kid. Have to hand to it to dad, not a drop of vomit in sight. Mission accomplished.

Into the store we go and what comes into my view next is a dad standing behind a stroller. Inside the stroller is a sleeping baby. Next to the man is a woman most likely his mom or worse, his mom in law, whose lips are flapping away. As I pass by I hear her say "are you okay with the baby sleeping now? How do you feel, really about the baby being asleep? I just think if the baby sleeps now..." It was 7:30pm, I think it's an excellent time for the baby to be asleep but, what did dad think? I don't know, dad had achieved a glazed over look that clearly screamed he had gone to another realm of reality. Mission accomplished.

The store was a wreck and it is just a mission impossible for me to effectively shop in a wrecked store. It just doesn't happen. All I can see is the disaster and I have to fight from straightening it all up.

My son did find a book and as he was checking out I waited by the exit. Up comes a mom with her not quite 2 year old daughter in a stroller and about a 3 year old son in tow. The son says "mom I'm going to give sissy a kiss right on her head." Mom replies "oh that's sweet." And as the boy leans in to kiss his not quite 2 year old sister on the head, the little girl screeches at the top of her lungs and hauls off and slugs him right in the side of his head with everything she's got. Call me all kinds of wrong but I just bursted out laughing. Mission accomplished.

Christmas is over people.

Mission accomplished.

Merry Christmas or....

Okay the blog is called the good, the bad and the ugly, so here's the flip side to "Merry" Christmas because I have mixed, torn, bi-polar, manic depressive feelings about the holiday.

Parts I really love and parts I just truly despise and so...here's the not so jolly side and if everyone was honest with themselves I think there is a bit (even if tiny) of this sentiment that dwells in us all during this time of the year.




Because I see too much of this:




And not enough of this:




And on Earth peace goodwill towards men.

I FEEL that sentiment during this season coming from those close to my heart but I don't SEE it amongst the population.


And so, rather than a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, I'm wishing everyone a softened heart, tolerance, don't be so quick to judge because we can't even begin to know what is going on inside someone else's head or life and a big big healthy dose of count your blessings.

Homeschool Holidays

Enjoy



And yes I homeschool legally.....

Check

I think I'm ready. Okay I'm as ready as I'm going to get. Christmas purchases are complete! One package is suppose to be delivered today. I am finishing one of my two hand made items. Not done yet I'm pretty confident I will complete it before the big day.

And I just want to acknowledge whoever it was that invented gift bags. Apparently they emerged commercially in the 1980s. God Bless whoever! I usually like to wrap my Christmas gifts but this year the gift bag just spared me a ton of dread because I just wasn't looking forward to doing it. I do have to wrap two things that I just didn't get a bag big enough for but, that I can handle.

So with that said here's a interesting read:

http://mymerrychristmas.com/2006/historyofwrap.shtml

Enjoy your holiday preparations but, remove the stress!

Christmas anyone?

How did that happen? I am so not ready, physically, purchases, decorations or emotionally. I'd really like to postpone it to March. I think I could be ready by then.

But, the tree went up and some purchases have been made but, I'm just not in the mood to do....well anything. So I'm pushing myself. I think it's a touch of depression and I usually don't get it this time of year but, there it is.

But with the pushing I have engaged in some nice festivities. Visiting good friends and spending time just being.

Here is my latest creation from Color Me Mine. Reminder, my last one was my moon jar.

I am most ridiculously pleased with this:









There was nice time with a dear friend and some excellent Thai food that went along with this creation.

And most definitely have spring not winter on my mind!

Here is where I would traditionally launch into a rant about the holidays being an excuse for everyone to act like idiots, over indulging in food, spending and turning themselves inside out to measure up to some false pretense set forth by Hallmark and other bogus entities of our consumer driven society.

This year I'll spare you and look on the flip side. It does bring out a giving spirit. People do spend time together even it's forced and try to get along and....sorry nope I just can't do it. There is a part of the holidays I really really like and I can see it but it seems as the years go by it's harder and harder to see for all the crap that seems to get piled on top and that crap just seems to get deeper and deeper.

I am giving gifts. I put up a tree. I am going on the Huntington Beach Harbor Cruise which I have never done and I have lived in Huntington Beach since I was 3. Also I want to cruise around this year in the car and view the lights. I will be spending time with friends and am looking forward to that as well as family...yeah I'm looking forward to that too.

So, I'm not a complete humbug.

Merry Christmas
Happy Yule
Good Tidings
Winter Soltice
And all the others....

Love to you all

Doctor Barth details

Saw Dr. Barth today. Main complaint on the table my hands. I've been having small joint pain which pretty much means my hands have been killing me especially my index finger of my right hand. So I had stopped taking the femara on the 1st of November. Dr. Barth decided the level of pain I was having, since it made me stopped was a deal breaker as he likes to put it. So he switched me to a different aromatase inhibitor. It does the same thing but has a different chemical make up and a study in England has found that people on the femara that experience joint pain do a lot better on this other drug. It's the newest AI too. So he was happy that I had stopped taking it for a month because he would have had to have me stop it for that long to get it out of my system before having me start on the new one. And the new one's name is...Aromasin. I need to go do some reading on this latest one. Also my index finger is hurting more than the others. Dr. Barth said something else is going on with it. He said yes the femara contributed but if the other fingers are doing much better and that one is not then it's not the femara alone. I said so I probably injured it and because of the femara it can't heal like it would normally. He said I'm impressed yes most patients wouldn't get that. So he gave me the name of a hand doctor but said I didn't need to rush out to see him to go ahead and give my finger more time and see how it goes on the new meds. We are suspecting inflammation of the tendon and he ran another blood test for that.

Then I moved us onto my liver. Dr. Barth went sky high. Yes he has saw the reports and said he just shook his head when he saw them. I told him what Dr. Guerra had said that the radiologist said she could maybe "see" something poking into one of the cysts but wasn't sure. But, that was not noted in the report and I was quite upset by that. The omission of it in the report. Dr. Barth came unglued. He said the report was correct. He looked at the MRI himself. There wasn't anything there. He said that Dr. Guerra had used an unintelligent way to explain what was seen. He said he knows exactly how that conversation went. That she didn't take the time to really think it through what was going on and how to present it to me. She got the report handed to her oh the cysts look bigger from the ultra sound from 2008 and there's a shadow. He went on to say Hoag is just a money generator and if they can get one test to lead to another test that's they way it goes and that I really didn't need to have the ultra sound at all. AND all irate he says and did anyone call ME? NOooooo. I had your PET scan from 2010 and the cysts are NOT bigger from them. They are slightly from 2008 but no one should have made you think for a minute that any mets in your liver had happened. And this is what I think he was pissed about the most.

So I replied with a well, this is a learning experience and what I have learned is that in future if anyone says they think they see something I will be demanding to see it myself and then they have to call you. Also I really love Dr. Guerra she is a great surgeon but I know surgeons are lousy at diagnosing which is why while I could have lived without the excitement I didn't light myself on fire because well they are lousy at diagnosing. You don't let a surgeon diagnose you for anything. And he is nodding his head up and down.

I do not need another MUGA. My heart is great. He had viewed the video of my heart function and told me it works at an above normal level so it's really in very good shape. The initial scan showed a score of 60 then the second one 65 and the last one 58. So while there was a drop from 65 to 58 overall it went from 60 to 58. 50 is normal. I said to Dr. Barth well I know that your heart function isn't the same all the time anyway it can vary on any given day. I impressed him again with my knowledge. He said most patients don't understand that. I said well I don't understand it either I just know that's what it does!

So they took more blood today to test my estrogen levels since I had been off the femara for a month and something else to test the inflammation levels of something because of the joint pain. Brenda the new nurse drew my blood. I like Brenda. She gets two thumbs up from me. Girl knew her shit. No new patient would have a clue that she was new to the office. Hope she sticks around.

So scans good, blood work is good. I'm good.

The flooring is done in the house. A few small details to tend to tomorrow. There's always those little nagging things. Need to get a pool guy and then I'm done.

So.....time to start planning a Vegas escape. I'm looking at January!

Whew!

The flooring started today and I've got renters lined up. So the light at the end of the tunnel is looking mighty bright.

My hands are killing me and I've been off the stuff since the 1st. Not sure what's up with that so to Dr. Barth's Friday. Had the blood draw last week so I'll have test results to gander at when I see Dr. Barth as well.

Had a nice Thanksgiving with family. Lots of good food and company.

This week is crazy with getting all the stuff for the floor layers and tying up last minute stuff on the house but it's winding down.

Right now I just got my head down and plowing through. Just get me past Friday!

I've been MIA

Wow time flies. Didn't know it's been this long since I've blogged.

So what have I been up to? Closer to having the house ready. Got it painted and now for the flooring. Have decided to go with laminate and am in hot pursuit of a layer. Oh myyyyy


I think the light at the end of the tunnel just got brighter!

In other news besides busting lies, I'm also handing out praises. It's only fair really.

The latest lie was from Russel Stovers. Four flavor bag of sugar free chocolate. Only I got one, 1, make that 1 piece of mint chocolate in the whole darn bag. That's not a four flavor bag! So I wrote them an email. And the response I got was that there was a disclaimer on the bag that says the bag was automatically filled and it might not contain all the flavors or an even distribution of them. Well, EXCUSE ME.


How can you call it four flavors? It should be maybe four flavors...if you are lucky. But no don't fix the problem just slap a disclaimer on the bag. And yes there was one. Tiny on the back. But, Russel didn't want me to be too upset so they are mailing me free candy. I'm waiting.....

Then my NOOK bit the bed. Tried all the online fixes BnN suggested to no avail. I went to the nearby BnN store the next day all geared up for battled. The NOOK tech/rep fixed my NOOK. It needed a new battery. So far so good. And he was so helpful and a cutie patootie. Think Patrick Demsy type with a voice to melt chocolate. Oh to be 20 something again. It was a very pleasant experience. And so I wrote BnN a letter of praise. The first response I got from them was an apology and a list of things to do and a number to call and directions to the store. So I wrote them again. No no no guys this is a you did good letter not a complaint letter. And so today I got a response that said ohhhhhh well THANKS! basically.

On the medical front I had to go off the Femara. Which one was that? That's the daily pill that blocks my body from being able to use the aromatase protein needed to make estrogen. It also causes small joint pain and my hands were so bad one day I could barely turn the ignition in the car. Deal breaker. And before you start gasping here's the deal. The femara only reduces the chances of local recurrence. It does nothing to improve overall survival. I know wrap your head around that one. It took me a while. So here I'll help you. The cancer was estrogen fed we shut down the ovaries with the lupron shots and now the femara further blocks it in the breast tissue where a local recurrence would happen. But a local is very treatable. No I don't want to go through all that again but still not a death sentence. A distant met. would not be from the estrogen but rather it figured out another way to grow. So there, did that help?

No. Well here, I have about a 5 percent chance of having a local recurrence and the Femara reduces that by 16 percent. So a overall reduction of .008? I'm just not impressed. In the study they did when they first developed the drug they gave it to 4,000 women and after 2 years 75 of them developed a local recurrence. Another 4,000 women didn't get the femara and 123 of them developed a local recurrence. And they shut down the whole trial because oh myyyyyy (see video above) that was a 30 percent reduction and they put all the women on the femara. I'm still not impressed. This stuff is a bitch. I've been off since the 1st of the month and my hands are better but they are still killing me. So why are they giving this to women when really? It doesn't do anything that drastic? Because it's all they got. And honestly I'm not totally throwing in the towel on it. What I also found out from those first studies is that they gave women dosages from 100mcg to 5mg. And on ALL dosages levels of estrogen were greatly reduced and even not detectable. So why is the standard dosage 2.5mg? Because it's one size fits all folks which means we are all being over dosed. In my opinion. So instead of taking it every other day or one month on and one month off as suggested in Sept. by Dr. Barth's PA on Dec. 2nd when I see Dr. Barth I'm going to pick his brain about cutting the pill up. See if that makes his head spin.

Normal estrogen levels are between 300 and 400. 300 and 400 hundred whats? I don't know. Mine after I started lupron was a whopping 16. On femara undetectable. Whoopie.

If it was take this and the cancer will not come back it would be a no brainer. My hands would hurt. And I'd put up with it. But, that is not the case.

So I'll have lots of stuff to throw at Dr. Barth on Dec. 2nd but in the meantime....flooring, busting lies, praising good stuff and Thanksgiving before Christmas totally railroads that holiday!

Go Bust a LIE!

Go bust a lie. Okay here we are in this mess of economics. Sure we got people doing movements. And we got people talking. TALKING. Which to me is really exciting. Awareness is growing. But, what can we do? I know there are still a lot of people that are not politically aware/involved because they feel powerless. What can I really do to make a difference?

Well, I'll tell you. Go bust a lie.

Here is what has happened to me over the last 6 months. I have absolutely no doubt it's been going on much much longer but it's just in my face now. The business ethics in our country have gone down the toilet. The unethical crap that has happened with banks, corporations, senators and the lot is blaring in our faces. Which is what prompted people to the streets. But, this unethical practices is trickling down. It is poisoning our society.

How? well, I'll start with Verizon. Who upon my move in with my parents lied to me. Flat out lied. Told me no problem we can do all that for you to just find out the next day oh no we can't. Lied. And when I busted them on the lie was told this line "it's not a lie if you believe what you are saying is true" That's the out they are using. That's what corporation foundations and principles are now reduced to? Not fixing the problem. Not reimbursing the customer when they have been wronged. BUT just excusing it? Because Verizon doesn't give a crap about what they do. They provide a service but that's not what they care about. They are lying bastards and I remind them in an email everyday. They don't answer me anymore but, I don't care. Everyday. I send an email. I'm not going away.

Then there was CVS. The pharmacy. I went to pick up my pills and was told the pharmacist needs to talk to you. Okay. And then she tells me "okay your pills have changed color, shape and the packaging is different but it's the same pill." "Uh you mean they went generic" "Um oh well yes is that okay?" "I'm okay with them going generic, I'm not so okay with you lying to me about it. Does that really work with people?" AND she SAYS "well, actually you are the first person to call me on it."

Then I was at Hoag getting my MRI and was told by the tech they didn't have any hot packs when I asked her to use one to get my vein to pop up. What? It's Hoag of course you have hot packs. Then she tells me they don't work. You put them in the microwave!

Do people not think? Do they accept the lies from Verizon, think the pill factory got bored or believe that a hospital doesn't have hot packs? Are we that stupid?

NO. It's not that people are not thinking, it's that WE ARE NOT USED TO BE LYING TO. We aren't. And so we think it is true. Lying is not the basis of our culture. But it is now

Lying is becoming a part of our culture. AND we have to stop it.

We do have the power to do this. B of A is NOT going to charge their lie of a fee.

Each of us has the power to bust a lie.

Go BUST a LIE! Become a LIE BUSTER.

Life in a multigenerational household

I went to do laundry. The washing machine was going so, my mom is doing some laundry. No big deal. I decide to peek inside the machine to see what she has going on. You know, just to see how big of a load is going into the dryer. Just to get a feel for what's happening in the laundry department. And so I open the lid. What I find is water and soap. Yep the machine is oscillating away but, there are no clothes.

Okay in this household you just can't rush to conclusions because my dad was an engineer. So, he could be conducting a test. You just never know. So I go to investigate and seek out my mom.

Mom-what do you mean there are no clothes in there?

Me-There are no clothes in there.

She opens the lid to the machine-where the Hell are the clothes?

Me-I don't know mom

Mom-well shit I think I started the water and meant to put something in there.

Me-Okay well how about we start over.

Like that was easy. You got to get the dial around so it's draining the machine.

Mom gave up trying to do any laundry that day.

I will confirm this...we are all wearing clean clothes despite user error.

But it was so surprising to lift that lid and see no clothes.

Image

I'm lucky. I can't see my scar unless I turn sideways, lift my arm and look in a mirror.

I'll be honest I didn't fully appreciate what my surgeon did at the time. She had come in before the radiologist inserted the wires and showed her where and the angle that she wanted them inserted. The radiologist told me it was for cosmetic placement of the scar. It really was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. But, I'm grateful now that I don't have that glaring reminder when I see myself. And yes I've thanked my surgeon.

Put the Pictures Away

I need to call my internist to get a copy of the ultra sound report. I haven't heard from her so I'm sure everything is fine like I suspected. But, I would like a copy of the report.

In the house area, I'm looking for painters. I got a referral to one and he showed up today. He made my head swim. Flat, semi-gloss, gloss, washable flat, warm tones, neutral, texture, patching, priming, sealing blah blah blah I glazed over. Just paint the fucking place.

Dude was nice enough. Really. Nice guy and I'm sure he does good work. Will be getting a few more bids because I'm not sure my budget can handle his pricing but I'm also not sure I'll find something cheaper.

Anyway at some point in our chatting he tells me he was burned over a year ago. Burned as in caught on fire burned. Dude how did that happen? And he tells me he was messing with a buddies car and some gasoline got on his shirt and then the car backfired and poof he was on fire. It was bad.

He went out to his truck to write up the bid and came back with some pictures. He says don't want to freak you out but, here and he hands them to me.

Okay. Yeah they are of him and his burns. Bandaged up. Then unbandaged. Various states of healing. I think there were six pictures.

I'm really not sure what to make of this. Yeah dude was burned. It was bad. But, I don't think it's good to be walking/driving around with pictures.

Anyway I just hand him back the pictures and look at him and say I had breast cancer. I just finished treatment this past August. His eyes bug out. And I continue, sometimes life knocks you on your ass. You get up.

He doesn't say anything for a moment and then he says well you are still here. And I say yes I am and you are still here. It's good to still be here.

Maybe he can put the pictures away now. I hope so.

Liver Update

I had the ultrasound this morning. And I'll cut to the chase, I'm pretty confident that I'm okay. The final report will be sent to my doctor (internist this time) and she will call me but, the tech said she didn't see anything but simple cysts. She had the radiologist go over it and they said I could go. It's my experience that when it's bad the tech is dead silent while doing the scan and then when they go show the radiologist, the radiologist will come into the room looking terribly upset and will look for themselves or at least want more pictures taken.

The tech was fantastic. We need more of these. She had a screen up that I could see and as she was scanning stuff told me everything she was looking at. She started off with a general scan of my liver. She told me this is your liver and then scanned around then she asked me what they had told me. I said well that it looked like the cysts had gotten bigger and that maybe there was something poking into one. She said well, all I see is simple cysts here. Maybe they are bigger but sometimes they get bigger but I don't see anything other than simple cysts.

She also scanned some major arteries, my spleen, pancreas, kidneys. She told me her niece just got diagnosed with breast cancer. HER2 positive and she is 27 years old. Shit. And her sister had had breast cancer. Double shit. She also told me when she discovered I no longer have a gallbladder that it is amazing what organs you can live without. She said she had a patient that had no spleen, no gallbladder, no ovaries or uterus and one kidney. She said she told the patient she was a fast scan because there was nothing left!

She was great. She knew I was out of my head and understood exactly why I was there. She said given your history they are going to get excitable with you but you want that.

Yes I do.

And I'm confident that everything is okay but I'll get the official okay in a couple of days.

That was enough excitement for me and a dip in the roller coaster I could have lived without. I'm just waiting for the ride to come to a complete stop and I can take off the safety belt but, that's going to be a while so I'll stay strapped in.

Old is the New Beautiful

We live in a youth orientated society and quite frankly I'm done with it.


Old is beautiful. Damn it.

It's wise, it has endured, it has worth and value. It's priceless.

I'm doing something with this. I'm not sure what yet but, something.

An App For That

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80 percent of breast cancers are found by the woman. 80 percent. What I like about his video is that it stresses "feeling" in a way that is comfortable for you.

I found mine while showering and just washing. Wasn't even doing a self examine. So there is no "right" way.

Just get to know the girls and what is "normal".

Please.

Love you all.

The Results are In

I'll cut right to the chase. The girls are fine. They didn't find anything.....in the breasts. BUT I have liver cysts. I know that. They found those on the PET scan I had in April of 2010. Dr. Barth said they were hereditary and wasn't worried although one was really big. His words "whoa, that one is really big but, don't worry, cysts don't effect liver function besides, there is nothing we can do about it." and that is Dr. Barth. I love him. He doesn't lie or bullshit.

Anyway back to the chase, one of the cysts on my liver looked to be bigger to the radiologist (compared to the MRI in April of 2010) and it looked like something was poking into it. Okay this was delivered to me by my surgeon. Nothing is poking into anything so I said to her you mean a growth. Well see she (the radiologist) can't tell. The MRI was set to look at the breasts and isn't really a good scan for the liver anyway. So what they want me to do is followup with my doctor and get an ultra sound to see what the heck it is.

I'll see my internist next Tuesday and she'll take care of it. I think they are being cautious not panicked. And I already went thru what the MRI can and can't see at the beginning of this whole thing when on the MRI it looked like one of my lymph nodes walls was thicken but they did an ultra sound and it turned out that a vein was running across it and made it look that way on the MRI. Thus why they want me to do an ultra sound. But, I still don't think they are panicked because I've seen the OMG we are panicked this is bad in action. They don't tell you to follow up with your doctor bye bye. They set up an appointment and tell you, you're going here now.

So more worry (okay I'm trying not to until there is something to actually worry about) and more results to come. I'll keep you all informed.

So how did the MRI go? Well I'm really tired of being lied to so I'm calling people on their bullshit and I don't care. The MRI tech had to set up an IV so she could inject the contrasting material during the scan. Okay so I point her in the right direction in regards to my veins that work but, it was cold this morning and old faithful although numbed up wasn't looking so good.

I told her "this is the vein people are most successful with. It's not looking good this morning but if you put a hot pack on it, it'll probably pop up. But, if you rather look around for something else that you feel more confident with that's okay too."

She says "oh, we don't have any hot packs."

Me "This is Hoag Hospital, of course you have hot packs"

Her "Well, they don't work"

Me "You put them in the microwave.....look if you don't want to use the vein that's fine. I already told you I was fine with you looking around but do not tell me the flipping hospital doesn't have hot packs and they don't work. That I won't accept."

Her "I'd really like to look for another vein."

Me "okay, I'll take that."

So she hunts around and finds a funky place on my right wrist. Like right on top of my wrist. Okay fine no one has ever tried there so go for it.

She goes and I barely felt anything which was nice she says "I'm in but I think it's leaking because look it's bulging up a bit." So I do the thing I NEVER do. I looked and I say "well, it doesn't hurt so do you think you can tweak it to get it in or do you want to start over." She says "really it isn't hurting?" Me "no, go ahead." So she messes with it and I'm watching thinking I'm rather detached in some weird way and the bump goes down and things seem to be working. She gets a good blood return and is able to flush it and I get sweaty and light headed from watching. Shit. I'm a pussy. There I said it. When she was done I had to put my head between my knees for a few minutes and get some cold water. It didn't last long but that tested that, even after all the IVs I've had set up, I can not watch.

The MRI is a boisterous machine. So you get ear plugs and then they put ear phones on you so you can listen to music, only you can't hear anything so you just end up with earphone on your head.

When it was all over they walked me over to see my surgeon Dr. Guerra. who told me about the liver. She took more topless pictures. And we had a nice chat about her new baby. She had a boy. Dang it, I forgot to ask her what she named him but, she had some pictures and he is a cutie. He turned 3 months today.

So it wasn't bad. Got to bust someone's chops, celebrate a new baby and now have something I need to take care of, not like I was exactly bored but, there it is.

Note to self: DO NOT LOOK EVEN IF THEY SAY "LOOK" DO NOT LOOK.

A Scanning I Shall Go

Tomorrow at 8am I'll be at Hoag for a MRI on the girls. It's routine. It's follow up. And right after I'll see my fabulous surgeon for the results.

The last time I saw her was April and she was pregnant. So, I'm excited to find out what she had a boy or girl. This is her first baby and she was sooo excited.


I will report results.

One Misfortune Away

You drive past them. There is an increase of them in numbers. They hold signs and stand on street corners and at the entrances to shopping centers.

The homeless.

Today I drove past one as I exited Costco. Well, he wasn't homeless. At least that's not what he was advertising on his sign that said:

Disabled
Need Money
You might not see me but,
God sees you

The sign irritated me rather than invoke feelings of wanting to help. Which means this guy's marketing skills are lacking and needs a new sign.

But, after the irritation wore off, curiosity set in. What are these people's story? The people we pass by holding the signs. Because you know they each have a story. And that story is going to involve a misfortune or several.

We are all a misfortune away from being a sign holder.

So, here is my advice. Amass more money and less stuff.

Life with an Ex, Blog Dilema and Other Weirdness

I started this blog to keep family and friends informed on what was happening with me in regards to my breast cancer. It then morphed into this therapeutic outlet for me. And now I find it shifting gears as I find myself no longer in the cancer hot seat. So I thought of starting a new blog because dang it, now writing has become a habit and I find I miss it when I step away too long. So do I start a new blog? I have decided not to because I think there is value in having it morph and change. Believe it or not I have had a few people tell me "I sat down and read your whole blog." Well, God bless them. The thought of that is rather frightening really but, maybe it's good. Good for someone to see it morph and see the cancer take a back seat. So I'm just shifting the focus. I think the title still applies!

So life with an ex. I debated about writing about him here because of a couple of reasons. One, issues pop up here and there and it's not constant. And two, and the bigger reason is I'm not sure if he has my blog address. I think he does because I think he asked for it to give to his mother. Oh Lord so there is reason three. But, damn it, it's my life and my blog and you can just go read the thousands and thousands of other blogs out there if you don't like this one.

I went to Barnes and Noble to get my son the latest Rick Riordan (however you spell his name sorry) book and ran into my ex. He was getting the same book. And it was all strained and weird and he was weird about it. We spoke for a few minutes and then bye bye. And here is the thing. I was married to the man for 18 years. Eighteen. We had a child together. And now it's like he is a stranger. Only that isn't really the truth. The truth is he is the same and I'm the one who is not. I'm the stranger and it's just all weird and just how, how does that happen is a mystery to me. But there it is. We don't have a lot of contact with each other since our son is 17. But what little we do is strained and weird. It is what it is and it's weird.

In other weirdness, when I went to check out at the ole Barnes and Noble I had three books. The book for my son, a Jumpin Jim 365 songs for the ukulele book for me and a gift book for a friend's daughter which was 1000 steam punk items picture book. Pretty eclectic I'll admit. The guy who checked me out (not that kind of check out but purchases check out) looked at me and said "either you are a geek or you know someone who is a geek". I said "I'm a geek and pretty much everyone I know is a geek. Geeks are just more interesting don't you think?" and he says "Yeah, LOOK." and he rolls up his sleeve and shows me a tattoo on his forearm. You know Dr. Seuss One Fish, Two Fish, Blue Fish or whatever that one is called something like that? Well he had blue fish from Dr. Seuss tattooed on his fore arm. I look at the guy and say "you do know there is a difference between weird and geek because that well, is leaning more towards weird. Not sure that is really geek." He looks stunned, but really? I'm not buying that as geek. Nope just not.

And I outed myself. Yep. I think that was the first time I publicly admitted to being a geek. And I realized at that moment that I've always been a geek. A closet geek but a geek. And my geekdom has been squished because my ex is anti geek. And for years (see above 18) I kept that part of me under wraps. Oh sure it would peak out sometimes like a slip peaking out beneath the hem of a dress but I would quickly pull it up by it's straps. No, no can't let that show. But, now I'm just letting the geek out. Full force.

The I went to the Whole Foods next to the Barnes and Noble and saw this:



Yeppers that was in the parking lot. And I want to think that was paint but I suspect that is carved into the car. And that heart thing just confuses me because I'm not sure if this says Jesus Christ loves you or Jesus Christ, love you. I guess we are all entitled to get our freak on. But it's this crap that give Christianity a bad name.

What else, well I got to get a move on prepping the house more. Next up I've got to get painting estimate. The interior needs to be painted and I'm going to have to have it carpeted I've decided. So moving on that. I need to get renters in there.

We are all settling in here. The dogs are settling down. We all are really. We have all had a bought of some sort of flu. My dad had it the worse and is almost over it but my mom is at the peak of misery today. My dad hit his peak the other night and came down at midnight to tell me he was ready to go to intensive care. Now. Well, he was miserable and had he taken anything? No. So two Advil and back to bed he went. Son and I had it but much milder and are both over it. Neither of us went to the misery place.

And Steve Jobs died and I really don't want to watch another good company go down the crapper.

A "Sign" of the Times?

So I'm driving down the road the other day and stop at a red light. Over to my right in front of a strip shopping center is a sign waver. He is waving, twirling and moving that sign for a Subway. Bopping to his itunes and making the best of being a sign waver.

Does this work? I'm seeing more and more sign wavers for stores than I ever have. Does it work or is it just the form of advertising that is affordable and is better than nothing. I'm not sure but, it must work on some level or we wouldn't be seeing them. And I think it's just easier for business to actually get people to wave the signs because there are a lack of jobs out there. And that's my best guess.

Then I look over to the left at the strip shopping center across the street. And there is a woman standing there holding a sign. Nope she is not waving this one around although maybe it would help attract attention if she did. No this was a homeless person.

Both these people were holding signs for money. Which makes me wonder if the homeless person wouldn't be better off getting a job being a sign waver.

Which makes me wonder who makes more per hour? The hired sign waver being paid or the homeless person asking for help?

A sign of the times.

Pink Month

October is almost upon on. So watch out for the onslaught of pink because October is breast cancer awareness month.

So, here you are aware.

Happiness is...

... a crock of shit. An illusion. A Hallmark sentiment of consumer bullshit.

Happiness exists as a fleeting feeling. Not as a sustainable state of being that society would have you believe.

We take in. We take in our being with our senses. We see, hear, feel, taste and smell and sometimes those things we take in please us and poof we experience happiness. But it is not a state of being.

Maybe contentment is more sustainable or satisfaction. But we have a right to pursue happiness and it just bloody well doesn't exist but for fleeting moments.

Those monks that sit and meditate for a life time in pursuit of enlightenment and that is just really another word for what they are really meditating for, which is for finding happiness, need to get up off their asses and fucking do something.

And just what brought me to this point of enlightenment?

Tossing out all my crap. Getting the last of my big items taken away. Stuff. Stuff that at one time I thought brought me happiness only to then wake up to find it sitting on my chest like an oppressing presences that I thought I would never get rid of. And I'm still not done. And it feels heavier at times.

So I'm driving over to the house yesterday to let go of these once fulfilled me in some way I thought items that are now trying to drag me under and I stop at a stop light. And who should cross the street but a homeless man. He had a backpack with all his possessions tied to it. Two grocery plastic bags and a quart container half filled with some sort of liquid. Hope it wasn't his pee. He crosses the street with all his worldly possessions easily being carted with him. He owns nothing that requires the worry of maintenance. No car. No house. No stuff that can break down and needs repairs. No worries right? So does he look happy? No. Make that a fuck no. In fact he was probably the most miserable looking son of a bitch I've seen since I've been off chemo row.

Because happiness is a crock of shit and a fleeting moment.

Satisfaction that you were the best person you could be today. I fail miserably at this one too but it's what I'm striving for these days because it feels real.

I need chocolate. Good thing Walmart had the sugar free stuff on sale yesterday. I stocked up.

You Just Don't Know....

You just don't know what the day is going to bring.

Started this morning with a nice walk on the beach with friends. Then I headed over to the house for people to show up to take away stuff.

First woman to show up had wanted both twin beds. She decided to take only one. How she got that one in her car I don't know. She had a small SUV thing. She actually shoved that bed into the back over the back seats and then a couple of inches over the front seat head rests in order to shut the back door. I'm not kidding. How she drove...I guess with her head leaning forward. I think she lived close by.

Next up was the guy to get the large buffet table. This thing was huge. Dude had a dollie and a mini van with his mother in it and his BABY! Dude tipped that bad boy on end and got it on the dollie and tied it up with rope and shoved that thing into the back of the mini van with the BABY in the car seat watching with a look on her face like what the fuck? Yeah that's what I was thinking too. Impressive I tell you. One of the most impressive things I've ever seen! A buffet table measuring 70" x 19" x 31" shoved into a mini van! This piece was from 1968! Heavy.

And then the best for last of course. The third woman. She was a professional! She brought two, yes two trucks and a friend. She took so much stuff!!!! Not everything but man a lot. She just kept saying I'll take it. I'll take it. I opened the garage and told her all this stuff I was going to take to the Goodwill but...I'll take it and she did. All of it. Dang.

I've got more people coming tomorrow to hopefully take the last of the big stuff and then I'll be left with a few things that are going to the curb for large item pick up.

After the pick up frenzy I came home to update free cycle with the taken items and email others for things still up for grabs and in the middle of it all I get a call for a job interview. So on Monday I have an interview. This is at a bank. We will see how that goes.

And there you have it. You just don't know. Now days I wake up, open my eyes and say "hot damned I'm still here let's see what kinds of trouble I can get into today!"

Because you just don't know.

Happy birthday to me and people like free!

It's my birthday. I'm 49 and trying to figure out how that happened.

Had a nice memorable birthday that started with walk on the beach with two dear friends. We came across a comorand...hold on while I check the spelling...make that cormorant bird on the beach with a hook stuck in it's beak and fishing line around his body. Poor thing. One of my friends was able to get a hold of the bird and we took it to the Wetlands Animal Care Center. Hope my birthday bird makes it.

Had a nice hearty breakfast with put hair on your chest coffee. Wowza that was crazy strong. I think I still have a buzz.

Got myself some birthday bling and gift. Will post pictures later. I need to take a pic of the one item still.

Family brought Chinese food for dinner and now I'm just stuffed. Poke me with a fork and call me done.

Only I'm not.

Another thing I discovered today is people love free. I mean LOVE. I put my furniture on free cycle this morning and in two minutes it was an email frenzy of I Want That!. Goodness. Been on the computer emailing pictures to people and trying to keep it straight who put dibs on what first. Crazy.

And productive. I think I have almost everything given away. The bulk of it should be picked up tomorrow.

It will be interesting to see if these people show and actually take this stuff. I'm still skeptical.

But hopeful.

I will report later on the results.

1 year and NED

Yesterday marked one year of herceptin to the day. I started that treatment one year ago. And I can celebrate one year NED. Whose NED? NED is No Evidence of Disease. NED is the medical term for cancer free and quite frankly I like NED better than cancer free because no one knows for sure if they are cancer free or not. So NED is as good as it gets and it feels honest.

Happy one year NED!

Plowing

I'm just plowing along. The house is empty. Well, almost. What is left is going bye bye. So I'm going over there tomorrow to take pictures and put the stuff on free cycle and see if it will disappear!

And the garage. The garage need to be cleaned out. There is not much left but what is in there is pretty much tossable.

Then I will need to address the carpets and get the place painted and rented. I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've told my mom you better really like me living here because I'm never going through this shit again!

Moving sucks and I'm only getting older.

In medical news, I saw Nicole (Dr. Barth's PA) on the second and everything is looking good.

I had my last MUGA on the 6th. that's the heart scan. I will have a MRI on October 11th and see Dr. Guerra my surgeon. Then I see Dr. Barth on December 2nd.

So I'm holding my own and doing well. Getting house rented and then back to the job hunt.

And that was a rather dry boring post but I'm going to get back into the blogging.

We know nothing

We know nothing. Everything we do, is an illusion we can't "see". But, we think we know the world that we flail around in and we make assumptions based on what we think we know and we make decisions and mistakes because of it all.

So why are we so afraid to take risks, to fail, to make mistakes when it's a miracle that we ever get anything right?

Pain avoidance.

Updates

I've moved in with my parents. The main event happened on the 17th. We are settling in except for my pug. High strung dog and high strung mom equals bad combo. So the dog is being boarded because well there's medication for that. Yes folks medication for separation anxiety just for doggies. She is fine unless I'm out of her sight. The vet felt it was best to board her and let them run tests on her which they did and then they started her today on the meds. And I'm going camping and leaving tomorrow and won't be back until Monday. So that gives them five days to watch and see how she does. Hopefully it will work and take her anxiety away until she can settle in. Quiet frankly I'm not against it. It's the right meds for her to be on and without my meds this past year and a half I would have set myself on fire. Xanax, sanity in a bottle. I'm hoping reconcile will be sanity in a bottle for my puggie. Yes. The meds is called reconcile. Vet says they have had great success with it. Let's all pray an keep things crossed.

I still have a ton of stuff to do to get the house ready to rent but, I'm taking this break and going camping with friends to San Simeon and we are going to see Hearst Castle on Saturday. Really looking forward to it.

When I get back I'll start in finishing cleaning out the house and getting it prepped. If I think too much about it, I just want to light myself up so, don't think just do. And I'm going to try not to think about it at all over the next couple of days.

Other pokers in the fire are the Mini Make Faire that my friends want to put on here in the OC next year so I'm getting involved in that. I want the house settled so I can be more focused on it. But, I'm also going to make sure I'm available. This is something I really want to see happen. What is Maker Faire or a Mini Make Faire? http://makerfaire.com/ Well, check the link out and we are going to be putting on a mini one with hopes it will grow into a big one. I see so much value in it and I feel it brings a lot to the community.

Let's see what else? Oh Dr. Barth's called me and asked if I would be willing to see Nicole his PA on the 2nd instead of Dr. Barth as they are trying to decompress his scheduled. I said well I take it my blood work and everything is looking good with me or he would want to see me. She said yes or you are right he would want to see you. I said I'd be happy to see Nicole and celebrate that everything is good. Nicole is good and takes very good care of me so I feel good seeing her. I love Dr. Barth. I really do but, I really like not being in the hot seat and having to see him.

I had my last herceptin infusion Tuesday. Wow. I thought that was going to be the longest year of my life! No such luck it just flew by like the other ones lately. So what up now? I will go on a 3 month maintenance plan. I'll see Nicole on the 2nd and then won't see Dr. Barth or maybe Nicole until December. In the meantime I'll have my last MUGA scan in Sept. which is the heart scan. I'm scheduled for an MRI on the girls 10/11 and I will see Dr. Guerra my surgeon and then I believe I will have a CT scan in October as well. I will confirm this with Nicole on the 2nd. She can write the orders for that.

So the schedule will go something like blood work every three months with a visit with the big guy Dr. Barth. And some scans every six months. The want to do a CT scan every six months and alternate between an MRI and mammogram. So MRI, six months later mammogram, then six months later MRI etc.

Then it will go to blood work every 4 months, then to every 6 and then at some point annually for 10 years. Well that's the game plan anyway.

So it will be decreasing. But I'll be going to the doctors a lot. And no I don't like it. Who does? Makes you wonder. Do you think there are people who like going to the doctors? I don't know. And now I'm developing monkey brain which means it's time to go to bed.

Oh and I'm at war with Verizon.

Verizon sucks ASS. It's official. I hate them. I've had postings on this on facebook but not here. When I get back I'll write my rant on those fuckers and hopefully will have an update and with any luck an actual conclusion.

Oh won't that be refreshing.

And tomorrow is another day.

Feelings and Logic

Dense green tangle mess
Uncertainty abounds
Paths are unclear
Forward
Forward must be the direction to go
For logic dictates it
But uncertainty abounds
For forward is not a direction but a feeling

Feelings are unconnected to logic
Logic produces trust
Feelings are untrustworthy
But feelings are the forward movement
And logic is the fear

Feelings in one hand
Logic in the other
I open the one hand
And clasp the other tightly
I close my eyes and open my heart

And move into the dense green tangle mess

Food Forage

I started my day off by participating in a Relay For Life fund raiser for cancer. I go to walk in the survivor lap. Nice event. Nice people. Good company. Good cause. Nice way to start the day. They did run out of coffee but, I could even over look that. Darn it. I just remembered I forgot to get my plant. Survivors got a nice goodie bag and a plant. Oh well.

Then it was off to the farmer's market. The above picture is my haul this week. Once again here is the breakdown:

Strawberries 5
Beets and beans 4.50
Peanuts 5
Chicken 10
Sourdough bread 4

Total 28.50. Fresh stuff. Good price.

And then I topped the day off with a movie with friends. The Help. I liked it.

The move is still on for Weds. We are pretty much set and most of my boxed stuff is moved and unpacked at my parents.

If you are thinking wow well, remember I threw away tons. Tons. Of stuff. Makes moving easier.

Years ago I heard Cher being interviewed and she said "What do I know? I thought everyone got married, had kids, got divorced and then moved back home."

Control

We have control over nothing.

NOTHING.

Disagree?

Why do you think there are public restrooms?

Because we don't even have control over when we need to shit.

That is all.

Farmer's Market

This is my latest gathering from my local farmer's market. Well, almost as I went yesterday but, took the picture this morning which means the strawberries are almost gong and that's only half the peanuts!


Strawberries (that was a 3 pak) $5
Avocados (JUMBO) $5
Eggs (Fresh texture is amazing) $3.50
Chicken whole legs (Slaughtered on Friday) $6
Grapefruit (organic) $2
Peanuts (freshly roasted!) $5

Total $26.50 not bad considering I went to the grocery store earlier in the week and got a bottle of coffee mate (sugar free) and a few veggies and spent $17! No meat.

Go to you local farmer's market. It's cheaper and better!

Again for you local peeps, this one is located at Ocean View HS in Huntington Beach on Warner between Goldenwest and Gothard. Sat. only 9-1!

See you there!

Last Dance

Just wanted to confirm that my last herceptin will be 8/23.

I will be done!

Can mark that off my to do list.

It's nice to wish

Damn it I can't find my snuggie, monkey mask, boxer shorts or plaid shirt. Guess that means today I have to do something but I wish today I'm not doing anything.

More evidence of how schools fail kids

My son, who has been home schooled from the middle of second grade when I yanked him is now 17. He is currently taking culinary arts through Regional Occupation Program which is a program that offers job prep type classes. This class he is taking also has an internship which many of the classes do. It's been a fabulous experience for him. He is loving it.

But, he is puzzled and outraged by the fact that the majority of the kids in the class are in it because the class is worth 10 high school credits and is a 6 week class. He knows this because the teacher asked each kid in class on the first day why they were taking culinary arts. My son said the majority of the kids said for the credits. 10 credits in 6 weeks is making it so these kids can graduate. But they could care less about culinary arts. So, it's trying at times because well, some of the kids just don't give a damn. And my son does.

Why? Why are these kids having to take something the could care less about in order to get out of high school? Why is the teacher who was an executive chef for 38 years and has an amazing amount of information to share having to babysit during most of the class so the classroom isn't set on fire?

Today I called the ROP office to enroll him in the fall semester for the culinary arts advanced class. He has decided to take that and the same teacher is teaching it. I told the woman who enrolled him that I wanted to compliment the class. I told her my son is really enjoying it. Has been inspired and it has been such a great experience for him. And that he really likes the teacher. She says oh, well he is rather militant. The kids either respond to it or they don't. He pretty much runs that class military style because of the teens he has to deal with. He is a fantastic teacher because he has control over the class at all times and doesn't put up with any fooling around. And he has had kids pull knives on him and has had to take them down. He's a great teacher.

Well, okay....um.. thanks. Not feeling warm and fuzzy now. Talked to my son and he says it's not that bad mom but, I'm not surprised. Great.

And again why? This class is not a required class. You don't have to take THIS class in order to graduate like math or English. This class carries 10 credits and so some kids HAD to take it because of the credits it carries. It's all crazy.

AND this teacher is being praised for being a GOOD teacher because he can take down kids that pull knives on him?

What about the 38 years experience he has to share with the kids?

Chris stays after class sometimes to pick his brains for information. He doesn't seem to have time for it during class.

Today my son said when I picked him up, poor Ben.

Whose Ben?

The lazy kid in class. I feel sorry for him.

What's up with him?

He didn't wear his uniform to class. AGAIN. You have to be in uniform. The teacher took him outside to have a private chat with him. Poor Ben.

Yes. Yes poor Ben. Because either Ben doesn't want to be in the class or Ben is not getting the support he needs to be successful in class or all of the above.

Poor Ben.

Today's Harvest

Today I went to the new farmer's market down the street from my house. For you local readers that's at Ocean View High School on the corner of Warner and Gothard.

There are only a couple of vendors there but, I like that. I get the strawberries from the berry guy. $5 for the 3 pack you see here. Next to him is the avocado guy. He also has some fruit but, I get his avocados. Large 2 for $5. There's fruit, nuts, veggies. The asparagus I got for $2. Pencil thin. I like those. Then there' the chicken lady. Fresh eggs I got the 6 for $1.90 (I gave her $2). They are good! Worth the extra over what the eggs cost at the store. AND the chicken. Whoa. The chicken you see was killed yesterday. Yep. $6 for 2 pounds of whole legs that's thigh plus the legs. There were 5 in the package. This is USDA inspected safe stuff but, locally grown in Anaheim and slaughtered yesterday chicken. So I'm skeptical on the yesterday part until I open the package and there is no smell. No chicken smell. You know that smell that raw chicken has? This chicken doesn't have it. I salt, peppered and garlic the chicken and baked it. Oh... MY....GOD! Best chicken EVER! Tender. Never had chicken that tender. Juicy and the taste. Taste like chicken only I never really knew what chicken tasted like before today. Amazing chicken.

And so I encourage you to go seek out your local farmer's market. The food there will be fresher, better quality and most of it cheaper. My haul today cost me a total of $20. Not bad.

And this is the only kind of hoarding I'm allowed now because it will ALL be consumed!

There is life after cancer

And I'm hoping for one after the trauma of chucking!

Here are the latest chucking finds:




This is a cell phone. A very old cell phone. I think it is the first one we ever had. I found the power cord too. Plugged it in. Holy crap the current date popped up. AND it worked. Well, I called my home number and it rang and then Verizon came on the line and a recording told me there was a problem with my connection and I had to call Verizon. Impressive.

Next up (because there has to be more than one find):



Isn't he cute. Remember these? My dad wants to keep him. Sigh. So he is getting packed. Not chucked. He works too.

And lastly, for now, because who knows what I'll find tomorrow:



And this one is the winner. The granddaddy of hoarding items I tell you. I naming this one the craziness of hoarding award supreme. What was I thinking?

Okay so here we go. This was a wedding gift. That would be 1989. It was given to me by friends of my parents. Sweet really. What is it? A juicer. A cut the oranges or lemons or limes in half and push them down on the electric spinning cone shaped thing and viola! fresh squeezed OJ!.

How many times did I use this juicer since 1989? None.

How many times did I take it out of the box? None.

How many times did I pack it and move it? Twice.

How many times did the gift giver ask me how was the juicer? None.

why, Why, WHY! (go watch the Nancy Kerrigan video below) Because it was a gift. And that's what you do. You haul it with you for all eternity although that is impossible. I know the gift givers would not have wanted me to be saddled with this gift forever. And so it has moved on.

I also have a set of pots and pans that my auntie (my dad's sister) gave me when I got married. I use those. Still use them to this day and they still look brand new. I'm keeping those. Because I use them.

But, if you have something in a box and you only remember you have it when you go to move, it's time to pass that along.

Hi, my name is Pam and I'm a recovering hoarder.

Still Chucking

And it is starting to feel like and endless task! Oh when will the pile cease to exists!

My problem is I keep getting tempted by packing. I start to look at the stuff I want to keep and think I need to box that up. But, really that's a distraction from chucking.

Must resist. Chuck first then I can pack.

Must.....go....chuck....more....

Hoarder or Chucker

Some of us are hoarders and some of us are chuckers. Which one are you? I never thought of myself as a hoarder but I am. I don't look like a hoarder but that is only because I'm a cheap bastard and don't buy a lot of stuff or the place would be filled to the rafters with shit.

But I am a hoarder. Or rather I have a hard time chucking and that is probably also due to the fact that I'm a cheap bastard and hey I paid good money for that and am going to keep it forever.

I'm learning to be a chucker.

It's painful.

Peaches in the Summertime....

This song emerged in the US sometime in the 1700s. It gained over 300 lyrics through the years. The version I know, the first line is peaches in the summertime and apples in the fall. But, I love this clip. Every time I watch it, makes me want to learn to play the dulcimer. Lord help me.


I have a peach tree. It did very well this year in its yield. I just wish the fruit would ripen at a nice rate of two per day but, that's not how it works. So yesterday I pretty much cleaned out the tree and made peach butter. Here are the results:

THE HARVEST






I then sliced and peel the never ending pile and placed them in a pot to cook:




Once the peaches were soft, I placed them into a blender and puree away. Then transferred the yummy smoothness back to a pot to cook until reduced to a butter.




End result!

Looks like something that came out of one end of a baby. Doesn't really matter which end either but, it taste goooood!

But, it was not without some incidents like the fact I really started this project too late in the day. A butter is to be cooked down until thick. Like really thick. The directions that I found on the internet said to cook until you could scoop up the butter with a spoon and turn the spoon over and have the butter NOT fall off. Seriously? About 11pm last night is when I decided it was thick enough. I scooped some up with a spoon, turned the spoon over and....it clung for a second or two before it plopped back into the pot. Close enough I decided since I was going for butter and not tar. I turned off the heat and transferred the butter to a container and into the fridge to cool and called it Goodnight Irene!








Keep singing. Keep making. Keep sharing with others!

I Have Absolutely No Idea

Found this while chucking crap. What is it? I have absolutely no idea. I think it was some sort of tassel? Why did I keep it? I have absolutely no idea. I'm sure I had a reason but, really it just makes me say "why?" "Why?" "WHY?"



What does the ferret going down the pool slide have to do with anything? I have absolutely no idea. None.

Chucking Crap

And so in my last post made about 2 seconds ago I divulged that I was moving in with my parents. This hasn't taken place yet but is in the process starting with chucking crap.

I have moved several times in my life time. But this time is different because I'm not just having to put everything I own in a box and move it. I'm chucking. Just how do you get rid of everything? And it's not that I have to but, there is only so much room at my parents and honestly most of this stuff I have I don't want anymore. I need some clothes, shoes and my hobby supplies and that's about it. I'm going to see just how compact I can make it.

I have made failed attempts in the past to get rid of crap but this time the emotional baggage just isn't there. The stuff I want I really want. No way is this going. And the stuff I don't want poof in the bag it goes. No wavering. No oh, no I can't...so and so gave that to me, I can't get rid of that, oh I'll put it over here and look at it later. Nope just chuck-o-roo!

Painful? Not really. Freeing like weight coming off really.

And I have a 4 step plan.

Step 1. Go through each room and chuck all the stuff I don't want

Step 2. Pack all the stuff I'm keeping

Step 3. Call 1-800 Got Junk and have all the big stuff hauled away.

Step 4. Move the stuff I'm keeping to my parents.

I started with my bedroom figuring that would be the most emotional room as it contains the most of my personal stuff. But, I have a feeling the hardest is actually going to be my son's room. Although I know he is going to say "get rid of it all". I'm going to tackle that one next as I'm almost done with mine.

And so I'm off and chucking.

The Circle of Life

Single, no children, living with parents
Married, no children, working, living on own
Married with child, not working, living on own
Married with child, working, living on own
Married with child, not working, living on own
Single with child, not working, living on own
Single with child, working, living on own
Single with child, cancer diagnosis, not working, living with parents
Single with child, finishing cancer treatment, not working, living on own
Single with child, recovering from treatment, not working, moving back in with parents
Future status; Single with child, working part-time, living with parents

And thus the circle of life. Well, my life anyway and yes I moving in with my parents for a long list of reasons but, primarily because they have asked me to not for their sake but for mine.

Well, the reality is it's for all our sanity.

Sometimes you just need family and all the craziness that entails but all the support it offers too.

And so my musing on life will be focused on multi-generations living together under one roof. Or as I like to call it going European life style.

All you need

All you need are some clothes, shoes and whatever is necessary for your current hobby.

That's all.

The rest is just collected crap.

And...

I'm throwing it all away.

Bye bye.

Maybe some of it will get given away or donated.

But

It's

Going

going


soon to be

gone.


Oh, and a laptop. You need a laptop.

And a cell phone

and

well shit here's how it all starts all over again

the collecting crap part.

Hmmmmm how to prevent that?

It's official

3 more to go.

I saw Dr. Barth today. I have 3 more herceptin infusions left and then I'm done. My how time flies when you are having fun. And even when you are not.

August 23rd will be officially my last one! Yay!

In other happy news, I'm doing great. Dr. Barth is most pleased with me. Tumor markers are all good. I will see him next around the 1st of September and will be going to a every three month schedule with blood draws every three months. I will also be getting CT scan, MRI, bone density, probably one more MUGA although he didn't bring it up, they usually want one after we stop treatment. Those will be done between September and December. Then CT scans annually after that with me seeing him every 3 months. Year 3 every 4 months and then it will go to every 6 months up to year 10 and then annually I guess until he retires.

Anyway as Dr. Barth put it "we will be joined at the hip quite some time".

Too Busy

I've been too busy to blog. This is not a good thing as I have found that writing does something to your brain. In a good way. Well, it's does mine. It helps me work things through. So I really should not be remiss about my blogging.

My son is doing ROP and is taking culinary arts. The boy can use the microwave and the toaster somewhat but who knew he would be so interested. He is loving the class so far. This class has an internship too. So he will be interning in a real live kitchen. It's been interesting to watch the excitement and nerves this past week. Class is everyday and I've been taxi mom.

Still on the job hunt. The right thing just hasn't worked out yet and I'm desperately trying to just go with the flow.

So I've got the boy busy. Trying to get myself busy and put the pieces back together. Although I don't think they can be. I don't think putting the pieces back together can be done. Nope. I think a new path has to be forged. And chopping through the jungle with that machete is tough work. For one thing you can't see where the Hell you are going! What I really want to do is just carve out a little niche and just have some peace for a little bit. Doesn't seem like to much to ask for. Strange how forward is all a mystery. The direction we have no choice but to go in and it's all jungle and we can't see. We look behind us and see the trail we have forged. It all makes sense. We can see the errors, where we got lost, where things went well. But, forward on we must go with all the uncertainty.

Down to the end

Well we are approaching the finish line. I'm pretty sure I can now count on one hand how many herceptin infusions I have left. I think it's three but, it looks like it might actually be four bringing the end Sept 13th. Some controversy amongst the nursing staff so on the 7th I will be seeing the big guy Dr. Barth and find out. And also feel out what's on my plate for the future as far as follow up frequency.

In the mean time I'm still on a job hunt.

And contemplating life.

I just want to get up in the morning, go to a job, do the best I can and feel I contributed, go home and be with my family. Be the best person I can be. Be a good mother, daughter and friend.

Seems like a reasonable and obtainable goal.

I know, I know I'm already doing these things except for the job part. But, there's this weird misplaced twisted guilt thing that happens when you have walked through fire. You feel like you have dragged many through the fire with you. And I have, although I know those that have gone with me wouldn't have it any other way. And even though rationally I didn't ask for the disease, I still feel responsible for putting those in my life through this whole horrific ordeal.

Rationally I know it's all twisted up but emotionally there it is.

Well, the xanax should be kicking in a minute.

Martha Stewart Died

I have a canvass covered gazebo. This past winter the canvass bit the dust. The weather just shredded it. So I looked into getting another one. And the thought just frustrated me because I already know what will happen to the new one. Okay, not right away but, eventually it will be a shredded mess of it's former self too. So I thought I would just go to a fabric store and get something cheap, if possible and sew something up that could be easily removed when the winter canvass shredding weather showed up again.

Then my mother asked me if I wanted these king sheets in a tropical print, she was getting rid of. Oh yes I do. And I decided to use those to cover my gazebo.

I sewed the king sheets together. She had two sets. I sewed the flats, trimmed the elastic off the fitted and sewed them together.

Today I took those sheets out to the back yard and draped them over the gazebo securing them with magical binder clips.

And when I was done I sat under my sheet draped gazebo and wondered at the magic of it all and thought when did Martha Stewart die?

There was a time that draping my gazebo in sheets would have been a horror of an idea to me. Visions of white trash would have filled my mind. Yes. It's true. I will confess. There would have been no way in hell I would have draped sheets on my gazebo. But, here I am. And the gazebo is magical. As I stood under the sheets, the wind would blow through and the sheets would billow up and drift back down. And it hit me. It a ginormous sheet fort! And all these feelings from being inside a sheet fort as a kid came rushing back. It was always a cozy safe feeling place those magical sheet forts.

I'm not sure when I started chucking the Martha Stewart in me. I think it has been a slow process and largely I haven't openly acknowledge it happening. But, with sheets blowing in the wind in my backyard, I'm saying it's official.

Martha Stewart R.I.P.

Are you a parent?

Maybe you never said it out loud but, you thought it. You know you did.

Disaster Preparedness

While on a walk this morning with amazing Amanda, we got to discussing disaster preparedness. I'm not sure exactly how to prepare for a disaster. When the "big" one comes we are all going to be basically up shit creek.

This so called preparedness is just another false sense of control. But, anywho I have my camp gear. Tent, tent shower and etc. It is stored in my garage and can be accessed fairly easily and is well protect in the event of a disaster. I just figure if I can't stay in my house, my ass will most likely be toast anyway. But, well I have a tent. Makes me all warm and fuzzy in a total lie of oh let the "big" one happen I've got my tent, I'll be fine, bring it, way.

No, I'm not stocked up on food and water. And I'm not going to stock up on those items. As I explained to Amanda, I live within easy walking distance of a 7-11. Yep. My disaster plan involves looting. But, then Amanda reminded me that I also live within walking distance of a Winchell's Donut shop. Yeah baby, I'm hitting up the donuts first. Big, one comes, I'm running to Winchell's' snagging all those donuts, then the Plow Boys grocery store and then the 7-11.

I have several shovels. I can have my son carry one and dig out dinner.

So, I'll have shelter, a tent shower and nearby foraging (looting).

Now I really do need to get a luggable loo.

Who am I?

So, the other day my cherished Bequi says to me "Pam, you have to accept that not everyone can take in an amassed amount of information and just go, here." And she holds out her hands. I said, "you mean they can't bottom line it?" We were talking about making breast cancer decisions. Yes. I took in a ton of information including what my doctors had to say and made a clear cut decision on what I wanted to do. And I haven't looked back. I'm as solid in those decisions today as I was a year ago. And isn't that what everyone does? No. No it isn't. So, where has this ability come from? This has been swirling around my brain for the last few days and this is what I've come up with.

I've always had a strong sense of self. Of who I am. A strong autonomy. Sure as I've matured my opinions have changed. Views, beliefs, attitudes and etc. but, the core of who I am has remained the same. Much like a tree, I have a solid trunk and roots. The branches have swirled around in the changing wind and my leaves have dropped and re-grown but, the trunk and roots, I have always been able to depend on. I know who I am. I trust myself.

Today, as I was entering Whole Foods I saw a lesbian couple. The women were seniors. I would hazard to guess late 60s early 70s. Oh dear Lord forgive me, I just senior profiled two women! I'm guilty. But, I didn't ask if they needed help with any stairs!

I'm at the deli waiting for the holy roast beast of happiness to be sliced when the two of them come up and are gandering at the cheese. One of them wonders off to the hot food item counter. The remaining one didn't see her wonder off as she is engrossed in the heaven of cheeses. Then she looks up. She looks around. She is wondering where her partner went. Not a panicked oh my God where did she go, but rather a dang it, I wanted to ask her something and now where is she, look. She caught my eye and I said "your partner is over at the hot item counter.". She glances over and then she looks back at me. And now, her eyes are tearing up and her lip is trembling and I think oh shit, she is about to start crying. And she says brokenly to me "thank you". And I know she is not thanking me for pointing out where her partner went but, rather thanking me for acknowledging who she is. And what do you say to someone you made on the verge of tears? Nothing. I said nothing but held out my arms and we hugged and parted ways without a word spoken.

I don't know when that woman was able to be who she really is or how strong her trunk and roots are but, I suspect this did not happen until later in life. How many doubtful decisions has she had to make because she couldn't trust herself? Because she wasn't truly who she was. I think those of us with strong trunks and roots should try to shelter those without. I don't know how to do this exactly but, a hug, I think was good.

Nursie-Jethro Tull

Tip-toes in silence 'round my bed
And quiets the raindrops overhead.
With her everlasting smile
She still my fever for awhile.
Oh, nursie dear,
I'm glad you're here
to brush away my pain.

HAD

I had herceptin on Tuesday. Amanda joined the entourage. She wanted to watch. And so she did. Until they kicked her out!. Well, it was Tuesday the day after Memorial day and they were closed for the holiday. So it was rather jammed on Tuesday. She had a chair for the first half of things but, then they needed it. So she could have stood but, I told her to go find my parents and son and get a seat. So she did. Which then left me chatting to the couple sitting next to me. Wife had gotten the last small chair sitting around. He was in the chemo chair to my right.

We are chatting it up and he says "I have colon cancer. I had surgery 6 weeks ago and they say they got it all. My lymph nodes were negative. Now I'm on chemo every 2 weeks for 10 rounds for the next six months to prevent it from coming back."

I look at him and say "So, you HAD cancer."

He looks at his wife. He looks back at me. He doesn't say anything.

I then fill him in short version on me finishing with "So, I HAD cancer and am now on treatment to prevent it from coming back. And you HAD cancer."

He says "Does that help?"

I say "Yes it does. It helps you move forward. It helps you live. I say HAD. My family says HAD. My friends say HAD. My doctor says HAD."

He says "Well, yes, my doctor is doctor Rojas and she did say I was cancer free and this is just to prevent it from coming back. So, I guess I had cancer."

And he looks at his wife and she points at him and she says "You HAD cancer. We are using that from now on."

HAD. Such a small three letter word. So much power.

Got HAD?

EPIC FAIL!

My old address book was falling apart. So, I bought a new one. And now I can find the new one but, can't find the old one.

The new one is empty.

I suspect there is a problem here.

If you would like to ever possibly receive something from me in the mail, like a card or possibly a gift....could you email me your address.

Pleeeaaase!

Decandence or Decante?

Aren't they the same thing? Not quite.

I'm in Barnes and Noble today. I'm trying to look at the fiber artist books, that would be knitting and crocheting primarily for me. And to the right coming from the floor I hear "excuse me do you know what decadence means?" I look to my right and down. There sprawled on the floor is a man probably in his early 30s on his stomach prompted up on his elbows looking at a book in front of his face.

Okay first I'm amazed that the no sitting on the floor Barnes and Noble Nazis aren't all over this man. Hell I've been busted for squatting. Squatting for God's sake. Sorry ma'am there is no sitting on the floor we have chairs if you would like to sit down. I'm not sitting on the blasted floor this is a squat. It has been my experience that Barnes and Noble will not tolerate squatters.

So, here is this man sprawled full body on the floor! I swear two minutes earlier I heard an employee telling someone they couldn't sit on the floor. Maybe it's no sitting, no squatting but, a full body sprawl is okay.

But, I digress, "Yes, decadence means, well...." I'm now looking at grown man sprawled on floor and assessing how much of a definition to give. And yes, judging and profiling and trying to be fair but give a general definition that won't have him still wondering what the word means because that could be awkward. For everyone. "well...have you ever had a really rich chocolate dessert?"

"Yeah" he replies.

"Well, that's decadence. The whole experience."

He frowns, looks back at the book and says "I don't think that's what it means."

So help me, I wonder over to look. "Let me see how it is being used.". He shows me. I see the word decante. I don't know what the word means but, it's an astrology book he is looking at and I know it's an astrology term of some sort.

"Oh decante, that is an astrology term." I say.

"Does that mean I'm not compatible with this person?" he asks rather hopeful and with a tinge of desperation.

"Yes, yes it does." I reply.

"So that's why it's not going to work out with us. Ever. Huh?."

"I'm afraid so. That is what it means. So sorry."

"Yeah, darn guess that's why it's not working out with her."

"Yep, that would be why."

And no I don't feel bad. Dude needed some reason why it wasn't working out. Seems like decante is as good of a reason as any. At least it was very apparent it was the reason he was willing to accept.

By the way every sign is subdivided into 3 decans or decantes of 10°, each of which is associated with 3 signs of the same element. And I still don't know what it means except that it's an astrology term. I like not compatible better.

And I still want to know how he was getting away with sprawling on the floor!