I have round two of chemo tomorrow and the anxiety and fears went through the ceiling last night. I hate being scared. Makes me want to punch someone in the nose and then kick them in the teeth while they are down. But, having cancer and not being scared is just not realistic. So, I'm trying to allow myself the fear and then move on. I have found its really easy to move on with a big dose of xanax. Yes sir. So last night while in bed with my mom and having my crying break down, she says let the tears out but take the damned xanax this is why you have to the stuff. So I take .5 mg and 10 minutes later thought oh to hell with this and took another .5 mg. Yea let me tell one 1 mg of xanax is a sweet place to go. Don't worry they come in that strength my doctor had given me .5 so I could have the option of breaking those in half and taking .25 mg or upping to 1 mg if needed. Was still floating a bit the morning and have decided I'd like to maintain that so I popped another .25 mg. Yea and sigh of relief its keeping all that scary crap at bay. Sometimes you just need off the crazy merry go round and a break.
Still don't have a doctor's appt. So I called again this morning. Talked to the woman who does the scheduling. Was nice and all. She, I could tell, was one stressed out puppy. I think someone fucked up and was going to have to go face the music. She is going to call me back but, I guess I'm suppose to see someone before chemo. I told her I'm going to have my chemo tomorrow at 10am was nice but firm about it. I'm cool and not upset, because crap happens but, if my chemo tries delayed because of this, I'll be unleashing the raging inferno of hell on someone and getting my chemo tomorrow.
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