Visitations, Help and Bravery

Visitations. Yea I want to see people and yet right now I'm a mess of germ paranoia. Oh God what if I caught something and my next chemo treatment had to be delayed and then, on and on and on and I die, because all out of control crazy paranoia ends in death. At some point I might be feeling more sane about it all and then again, maybe not. My last chemo is scheduled for June 24th.

Help. There has been an out pour of wanting to help that quite frankly has humbled me. And I want each and everyone of you to know that you are helping. Everyday. I feel the loving thoughts, prayers and energy work that is coming from each of you. I can feel it healing and I feel the connection and know I'm not battling this alone. I sit quietly each day and connect with it and its amazing. I am experiencing sensation in the tumor daily. Its a physical sensation and it is dying because its purpose has been served. That purpose has not been revealed to me yet, but I know I have been placed on a new path of a higher source's choosing. There is healing energy taking its place. I cannot determine yet if I can actually tell if the tumor is smaller. This is because there was so much swelling from the two biopsies that the whole area of involvement felt much larger but what I do feel now is what the area felt like when I first discovered the tumor only things feel softer. It is only day 12 after chemo.

Bravery. Is that another word for insanity? I just wrote to a friend that if I can come out of this as unscathed as possible why not? This comment was made in regards to my surgery decision. Which I feel (perhaps crazily) at peace with. Now you all know I flipped flopped and seriously considered and was willing to become a unicorn and went from that to breast conservation surgery after gaining much more information about my cancer. But, still in the end, I have grade 3, 9 out of 9 SBR score high grade, p53 amplified aggressive cancer. And in spite of that I just refused to make a fear based decision. I'm not second guessing my decision here, I'm questioning my bravery. My oncologist told me there was no reason why I shouldn't have breast conservation surgery and I told him I refused to make a fear based decision and he told me I was brave. Brave? Or just pissed that some possible life threatening cancer could shove me in a corner and have me considering lopping off both my breasts. I can't blame any woman who makes this decision, in fact I can completely understand the decision, but it seemed the more scared I got the more pissed I got and the more determined I was to make a rational decision.
Is that bravery or insanity? Did I make the right decision or the wrong one? I made the one I'm at peace with and no matter what happens in the years to come, I will refuse to have regrets about it. Fuck you cancer, I'm keeping my boobs. Oh T-shirt!