I'm a number person. I like numbers. No guessing. Four is four. We all know what we are talking about. Trying to put some logic into the outrageous fear that comes from the "C" word, no not that "C" word!. And I have come to this conclusion from this past week:
If cancer had a 100% survival rate, then when someone found they had it, bummer, treatment is not going to be fun, yea there's risks to it all but it wouldn't be that gripping fear that has us gasping and grabbing the xananx.
So here's some numbers, about 40,000 women die of breast cancer annually in the US.
About 41,000 people die in car accidents annually in the US.
But no one gasps when we get in the car everyday. Why? why? I'll tell you (because I have all the answers you know) because we have the illusion of control when we are in the car. We are behind the wheel. We have control. Nope. We have the illusion of control.
Illusions and denials. Keeps us from setting our hair on fire.
So here is the bottom line. Cause I like those. I'm going to die......just like everyone else. Is the cancer going to speed that process along? Sure, in some way, how can it not? the wear and tear of the treatments alone is going to to do that but, so can stepping off the curb and being hit by a bus.
Chris wants to go to Gamestop by our house. We are walking. But, damn it, there will be curbs!
Time for another xanax.
You're a wise women.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about death and my 21 year old identical twin boys, PJ and Joey. Joey has type 1 diabetes, PJ doesn't, and that has made their life experiences very different. PJ went through a time when he was suffering from some pretty serious depression, and not dealing with it all that well. He's through it, learned from his experiences, and I'm super proud of him and where he's at. Joey has been depressed, but handled it better, probably because he's had to learn to be tough as nails since he was 11. When PJ was going through that rough spot, I remember thinking how dangerous, and life threatening depression can be. I occurred to me that we had always been worried about how long Joey would live, and yet it's possible that something would happen that his twin brother wouldn't live as long. It's even possible that his diabetes in some way may extend his life. So I think I've stopped with that whole diabetes subtracted from life years thing.
Joey has said he's 21 and he knows what he's going to die of, and how it's going to happen. And that part does suck. Although, he could be wrong even there.
Life is unpredictable, we walk through it assuming that we are immortal, that we're going to be there tomorrow and the next day, and we have to or we'd drive ourselves nuts. But every once in a while life has to give us a good slap, and remind us that we are all actually mortal. And we forget that as soon as we possibly can. Because, like you said, we all like to feel in control.
I think you're going to be fine, but meanwhile, you gotta deal with some sucky, yucky treatments, and I'm very sorry for that.
-Kathy Smith
You bring a very important issue up. which is depression. I think that depression is something very understood in our culture. I think its getting a bit better but, only because there are ads on tv for anti depression pills. We have this attitude of oh suck it up. Tom Cruise just exercise and you'll be fine. BS. I'm not a depressed person and don't suffer from it and I most likely won't much during this whole thing but, if I take cipro the antibiotic oh man,that puts me in a deep depression. I can only handle that stuff for about 3 days and the thought of feeling that way all the time my God! I will watch for signs of depression with me though. Because its bound to pop up during this. But, I'm determined to embrace the sucky. After all it will be fighting for my life.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good to put things in their true perspective; especially scary things. You're right, I never give it much thought when I get in the car. In fact, my car often feels like this safe cocoon, a place to watch the world go by in climate controlled comfort, and a transport for adventure.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to give up that feeling. I heard at an Alanon meeting that "Worry is a last ditch effort at control" Seems sound to me.
Thanks for these posts. A bunch of us are pulling for ya.
April aka anabel in the blogging world.
Oh, you are SO right!
ReplyDeleteThere's also such a push to dealing with it all with a positive attitude, and while I agree that can be helpful, it's a rough requirement to put on someone dealing with something serious like cancer. I'm no expert, but my common sense tells me that when something sucks, being unhappy about it is a natural, healthy reaction. So when you feel like whining, crying, and stamping your feet, go for it! And if when you do go through those inevitable periods when you're feeling sunk, I have a suggestion. When Joey was about 13, and I was having to get up multiple times at night, and nothing we were doing was controlling his blood sugar, I got really depressed. Just sunk right down, but I had stuff to do, so I had to fight it. What I found that was almost magical for me, is that I would go in my room alone, play sad music kinda loud (whatever spoke to me), and ball my eyes out. It was sort of my designated time, and I cried HARD. After a bit of that, I'd be able to wipe my eyes, feel cleansed and go on about my day, not up, but able to do what I needed to do. So if you get there, you might try it.
Joey has learned to complain to people who care about him, and I think that helps a lot. He also hits things (nothing breakable, not out of control), and I think that helps too. PJ has too much of a tendency to bottle it up, but he's getting a lot better.
Cleansing tears. Yep. I do those in the shower. Something about all the water around and coming out in tears that yes its a major release.
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